Identity

Identity

Wow. What a weekend. Emotionally. Physically. Exhausting.

We will start on the Physical aspect and work into the Emtional.

This weekend starting on Friday… I decided I was going put myself through a massive massive mental test. I took Friday, Saturday and Sunday off from the gym/working out. Erin and I did take a walk on Sunday since it was so gorgeous outside. I am not going to lie it has been very difficult. I have been fighting it in my head big time. Every so often I wonder how much weight did I gain this weekend. I bet I wont be able to lift as much, or I am going to be so out of shape when I get back, I must have lost so much ground…etc…etc. Really really tough. The strange side effect of this hiatus has been how incredibly sore and painful my legs feel right now. I wonder if I have been working out for so long, so consistently, so intense that my body (legs specifically since I pretty much do squats in some form at every workout) doesn’t know what to do with a rest period. I cant figure out if they are in pain because they are vigorously trying to rebuild the muscles that I break down everyday or is it something else? Not sure. But they are tight and sore. I have also challenged myself this weekend to eat more “normally?” if that’s the right word. I care deeply about nutrition. So by  eating “normal” foods by societal standards can be difficult for me. For instance, we went to Mexican on Friday night before going to the Admirals game. Mexican food and I don’t get along. On Saturday, Erin and I went to Panera for dinner and I got a full sandwich and actually ate all the bread. Sunday we went to my parents for lunch and grilled personal pizzas for all of us. Yes, I actually ate pizza dough. CARBS! 3 days in a row I ate, for my standards, a massive amount of carbs. So between an exercise hiatus and a heavy carb weekend, I have been very anxious and concerned about my weight and my physical health. I made it through. I feel ok, besides the muscles soreness, but I will say it did effect my sleeping. I think it was the anxiety of feeling out of control, despite putting myself through this test. I am not going to lie but I cant wait to get back into the gym for a good work out. Partly, yes I feel like I need it, but partly because I do genuinely enjoy it. So like I said physically its been tough but self inflicted.

Emotionally this has been a crazy weekend. I had a really good lunch/coffee date with my Dad and we had a very open, honest and frank conversation. We dug into some stuff from the past, talked about the future, and just had a good conversation. It was a nice pep-talk. Needed. Heres what it successfully opened up in my mind.

My Identity. Right now my identity is a number on a scale, a size of clothes and the number and weight of my power clean and squat. Why? Except for the fact that I have told everyone my weight, and my clothing size does anyone care? Please tell me. Do you care? Have you ever one time thought if you had to describe me- you would say “oh yah, that’s Matt Simeone… 150lbs, size small t-shirt, 29x30 fitted jeans, and just completed the crossfit “filthy 50” workout in 40 minutes”…? I hope not. If you have… we need to talk because that is weird. But seriously. If not a sole on this planet sees that as my identity then why do i? why does the scale or Old Navy dictate who I am? I want people to say “Ya… that’s Matt Simeone… he’s a loving husband, God-fearing man, outdoor enthusiast, who enjoys painting, being physically active, and loves experimenting in the kitchen with foods and unique things” Why WHY WHY WHY can I not think of myself like that. For some reason I (granted some of it is personal ambition and something ive always wanted to have) feel like if I do not have a 6-pack and a shredded physique after all these years of working out and weight loss, then I have failed. I feel like people will judge me on that. Why do I think people would or even should notice? I feel like if I was to go to the beach, take my shirt off, and not look like superman then people will sit there and say… HAHAHA all that hard work… cant even see his abs…. FAILURE!

That’s not me. I am not my abs. I am not 22” biceps. I am not Mr. Diesel Legs. I am Matt Simeone. Unfortuantely this has translated lately into… Matt Simeone: obsessive compulsive, horrible disengaged husband, neglecting Son(in-law), Selfish, judging, self-consumed who can sometimes fake a smile and pretend ive got it together. But I don’t. And that’s not me. Well it is… but not what I want. I don’t want to be like this. I hate the scale. I hate looking at clothing tabs for identity. I have the most amazing wife and great family(ies) that I totally take advantage of. This sucks. I want to climb to the top of mountain and scream as loud as I can and just tell the world “SCREW YOU”(maybe some different words if nobody is listening) you will not define me. Yes I like working out but why do I feel like I have to prove something or impress someone each time im in there? Who am I even trying to impress? I have no idea. Why cant I just work out for me. Do what I enjoy. That’s it. Why cant I just ENJOY everything. Unfortunately I know/have to assume, that if I try to abandon all these feeling, I will most likely gain weight… (welcome back mental games) but still. Why does it matter. Would any of you look down on my or look at me and consider me a failure if I gain 10lbs? Would you think I am a poser now because I cant claim I lost 130lbs anymore? Of course not. And if you did. You suck and I don’t want to be your friend anyway… but seriously why do I feel like that’s how the world would look at me. I don’t know. But I hate it. And it will stop. I want to be the fun, free, loving, care-free person I was at one point. My past is my past. Even my weight loss is past. My journey is behind me. I did it. I did what most people cant, wont, and would never be able to do. I should be happy and proud and see life as a wide open adventure full of promises and wonderful things. I want to get back into playing tennis. I want to casually play golf. I want to coach a little kids soccer/basketball/ shoot even baseball team which I hate! I just want to live again. Work out for fun and because I enjoy it. Not be tied to a gym and having to work out for 90 minutes and have to do atleast 50 reps of 4 different kinds of squats. I want to swim, I want to do some road biking. I need to free my mind of the viewing working out as a necessity. That’s why I don’t ever do anything I want to do. That’s why I have a half finished painting in on my easel. All things must come AFTER the gym or must fit around the gym which usually end up getting neglected because I am tired, or I must eat my meals at certain times to maximize performance. My life is chained to the scale, the gym, and the clock. Not my wife, family, friends, church. Not anymore. This is going to be really hard. Really freaking hard. But I am ready to bury the dead. Bury the past. Open my eyes, wake up, and (figuratively) stick two fingers up to the old me and move on. I hope by my birthday ( 2 months) my life is radically different. My description of my self is radically different. I can not do this on my own. I am asking all of you, any of you, who ever reads this to help. I will fall. I will stumble. But I promise to grab everyones hands, get back up, dust off, and keep running straight ahead. Time to start checking off life’s bucketlist items. Time to re-build friendships, create new friendships, love, support, and appreciate God’s masterful near perfect creation that is my wife and love again. Love everyone. Love ME.

5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we^[c]also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.