I'll Praise You in this storm...

"I want to live simply. I want to sit by the window when it rains and read books i’ll never be tested on. I want to paint because I want to, not because i’ve got something to prove. I want to listen to my body, fall asleep when the moon is high and wake up slowly, with no place to rush off to. I want not to be governed by money or clocks or any of the artificial restraints that humanity imposes on itself. I just want to be...boundless and infinite." ~unknown~

I'll Praise You in this storm...

This poem touched my heart big time. It is exactly how I feel every single morning when I wake up. I start the day so optimistically. I take my morning walk and plan out the day to come. Each morning I try so hard to start with a clean slate. Inevitably as the day goes on the games begin. I try so hard to suppress the thoughts and emotions that control my mind. Each day is getting a little bit better. More like a tiny bit. But better is better. This week has been really tough I am not going to lie. On one hand I have had a great week putting forth a plan and so far sticking to it. However this plan is causing a lot of anxiety. Taking my sabbatical from the gym has been crazy. I knew it would be hard. I know it will continue to be hard. Yesterday I had an anxiety (panic?) attack while sitting in my office towards the end of the afternoon. I started questioning everything. Every single calorie I consumed throughout the day yesterday I counted, double counted, triple counted and starting trying to figure out if each calorie was justified. I haven’t really changed or significantly increased my calories for this month since I am not doing much in the way of working out. I think as the month goes on and I seek therapy these feelings and withdrawal symptoms will hopefully begin to subside but right now it is killing me. For the last 5 years every calorie that I have consumed has been balanced out by a work-out. Changing my mindset away from weight-loss is hard. I have been trying to force things on myself though as small personal tests. Like last night I had pancakes for dinner since it was apparently “Pancake Day”. Granted I made them super high in protein and relatively low-carb I still added flour in the batter and ate the whole plate. I haven’t weighed myself in like 5 days. The thought of what the number on the scale might show is scaring the crap out of me… but im sticking to my plan and not weighing myself. My clothes fit the same. That’s all that matters right now.

I feel like I will break this. I am really keeping an open mind to counseling this time. I know I need it. I have abandoned the idea of doing this on my own. There is no reason not to ask for help when something is beyond your control. And as I have finally began to convince myself… this is out of my control.

God, I wanted to take a moment to openly pray. You are all powerful. You created the heavens and the earth. Your strength is unfathomable. Why do I doubt that I won’t overcome this. I question everyday why this has happened to me. I apologize. I have not relied on you like I should. I have tried to control this. I have tried to control my life. Even when I thought I gave it all to You I think I always still kept a finger on it afraid to let it all go. I thought I was stronger then You. I thought I didn’t need to surrender EVERYTHING to You. You have given me everything I could dream of. You provided a wonderful family, a fantastic wife, friends who love and encourage me and stand with me through this. Why did I think I could do this without You. I am ready to surrender this to You. God when these demons invade my thoughts I will place both eyes on You. You’ve rescued me from the depths so many times before. I pray for peace, I pray for strength, I pray for guidance. I pray that once this storm passes, Your glory will shine through. I love You. Amen.