Beware the Ides of March

I conquered March. or did March Conquer me?

I did it!!!!!!!!!!! 31 days away from the gym. I am really excited to start back up. As I explained a few weeks ago I went ahead and decided to for-go the dream of diving into the world of crossfit. It still pulls me back every time I see a post  or a picture or something related to crossfit. So many times ill be sitting on the couch with Erin and ill be reading something and sure enough some reference or article related to crossfit will pop up and ill let out an “ughhhh”. I still want it really bad. But I decided against it for now. So that’s that. I originally thought this hiatus from the gym was going to be a grueling marathon of negative emotions and honestly thought I wouldn’t make it. The first week sucked big time. As time went on I began to be ok with it. There were some days which were harder then others. I maintained all my eating and meal portions to stay the same as when I was working out so I can honestly say I did not quit working out but also go on a major calorie cut. Physically I will definitely say my body has changed. I definitely have more cushion around the mid-section and my definition around my core has diminished. This has been tough to watch! I have jiggles again where my “lose extra skin” around my lower belly seems to have softened up again. All of this I am surprisingly ok with because I know its all over now and I can totally re-focus and begin what I have decided to call “Phase 3” Fat Matt – Phase 1, Skinny Matt – Phase 2, New Matt – Phase 3.

I have created a few new fitness goals which I am excited to pursue. I do plan on trying to “bulk” a little and put on some lean muscle and possibly/hopefully get the definition back in my core. But at the same time I am not totally concerned about it. Instead of numbers/body weight/body fat goals I have decided I want to just be able to do certain things. I want to be able to do 10 strict pull ups. I want to be able to do a muscle-up, Handstand pushups and I want to be able to snatch my body weight. I AM ALSO GOING TO SEE HOW LONG I CAN GO WITHOUT WEIGHING MYSELF!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH this will be tough. There are scales all over the gyms. But im going to give an honest effort. I think this has been the most beneficial part of taking a month off. I have not weighed myself since Feb 28^th. NO IDEA what I weigh. I am going by clothes fitting and visual results. The other major goal I have for this new Phase… is just to have fun. I don’t want to be tied to the gym anymore. If I want to work out with weights… I will. If I want to run… I will…tennis….other sports….crossfit stuff… whatever. No tie-downs. JUST HAVE FUN!

Mentally this has been kind of a different story. It has created a bit of a identity crisis. For the last five years I have indentified myself as a gym rat and was totally consumed with making sure I went 5-6 days a week and hit my target reps for each workout. I was recognized by everyone when I came in it was comfortable. There was a day where it kind of sank in when I realized… you know what…. No body notices or even cares that I haven’t been at the gym for two weeks…. The gym NEVER defined ME…. I defined MYSELF this way. So all of a sudden I was sitting then and literally questioned… Who am I? If for atleast the entire month of March I can not identify myself as a gym-goer workoutaholic…. Then what the heck am I? Am I going to be Matt the Tennis player? Matt the crossfitter? Matt the runner? Will I try to rejuvenate my Matt the gym rat…. It was crazy. I brought this issue to Erin one day and she stopped me mid sentence and asked me the toughest question ever… “Why cant you just be MATT.” Holy crap. Such a simple question rattled my brain. What do you mean…. JUST MATT. Ive always seen myself as Matt…. The fat kid. Matt…. The weight loss guru…. Matt…. The gym rat…. Matt the…. Fill in the blank. It was like I was given a blank canvas and someone said you can paint WHATEVER you want when ive only even painted paint-by-numbers and has a patern or a guide to follow. I feel like I just veered of course onto this road….never traveled. Its exciting in a weird way. But also terrifying. Almost so scary that I have thought about giving up on “fitness” all together. Que… the QUITTER. I am determined not to do this. Having signed up to play both tennis and softball this spring I know I wont totally quit… but today I am sitting here thinking about going to the gym after work and I am at a total loss as to what I should/will do?!  WHY? I used to be able to walk in the gym and knew exactly where to go, what to do, for how long, and how many times. It’s incredibly bizarre.

But I will figure it out. I keep telling myself… FUN. FUN. FUN. Its all about having FUN this time. If you walk into the gym and weights do look appealing… walk out and find something else to do. FUN. FUN.FUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!