The Perfect Storm

The Perfect Storm.

So today I was going to talk about how you begin to handle and deal with eating disorders. But I am going to put that on hold. I haven’t told the entire story. I think it is important to not only explain the Anorexic side of the coin but also the other issues in the mix that literally created the Perfect Storm inside my head.

1. 1.       Addiction
2. 2.       Anxiety
3. 3.       Perfect Storm

Addiction

                For most of my life I have struggled with addiction. Thank goodness I was terrified and also smart enough to stay away from hard drugs because it could have been all over long ago. But one common addiction that was had been present throughout my life was my addiction to food. Bingeing on food and late night secret fridge/cabinet raids were a common event growing up. I remember as a kid I would get more excited going to my friend’s houses not only to hang out with them… but they had different snacks! Sleepovers were great. My parents never bought real soda but most of my friend’s did. YES! Of course ill come over to hangout today your mom buys Coke and BBQ chips.  At my own house it became super easy as I grew up. Once my parents went upstairs for the night it began. I turned the TV down low so I could hear to make sure they didn’t come down for something…. Slooooooooowly open the fridge or cabinet (or usually both) and go to town. I became a master at silently opening bags/casserole dishes/tin foil covered brownies. I also got clever and would combine small amounts of many ingredients so that it wasn’t so obvious as “who ate all the brownies!” Second Helpings during meals were not an option, they were required. How could you only eat one serving! I usually didn’t stop until I was completely stuffed. Also thank goodness I was a relatively active fat kid growing up otherwise I would have been massive. As I grew up I would stay home from my sisters soccer tournament weekends by myself. This was awesome. I was in total control. I learned to cook. I was in control of the food. I would copy my moms recipes. Except they weren’t for the family… they were for me. Why alter the amounts for just one?!?! I knew id eat it…

For those of you who used to go out to dinner with me knew I would usually grab an order of wings or an appetizer before eating my burger and fries. Chinese buffets became my go to restaurants. 2…3…4… plates. Couldn’t stop. College came around… dining halls… endless buffets…heaven. But enough about food. Alcohol was just as bad. I could not possibly drink alcohol without the sole purpose of blacking out. Stop at a Buzz? What the heck was the point of that! Some nights id stay in and drink alone. It was a nice escape. Once it hit my lips… it was all over. I struggled with addictions to many other things but im going to stop there. You get the point. I have an incredibly addictive personality. It was my escape. I didn’t have to feel like the fat kid for a few hours. I didn’t have to think about how much I didn’t want to be who I was turning out to be. I hated myself. Eating gave me a feeling of euphoria. Alcohol made me forget about things. So id wake up. Stuff my face all day. Drink at night. Repeat.

Anxiety

                OK so we are fast forwarding a bit. See yesterdays blog for a snap shot into a mind infected with Anorexia. Now instead of looking forward to a daily food binge…. I look forward to seeing how much I didn’t have to eat to get by. Food became nothing but necessary fuel for life. I found lower calorie substitutes for everything. Like I said yesterday even the thought of consuming sugar or fat or unnecessary carbs would literally make my stomach hurt without even touching them. My biggest fear became being invited out to a meal with friends. If we were not able to pick the restaurant I would begin to freak out. “HOW IN THE WORLD CAN SOMEONE EAT AT OUTBACK! OUTBACK MAKES YOU FAT. They cook there steaks in butter! They give you free ENDLESS useless empty carb filled bread! How can they live with themselves. They are contributing to the worlds obesity problem. I am not going. I wont support that crap.” The one saving grace to going out to eat is every restaurant at least has some form of a salad. Ahhhhhhhhh I could breathe again. Restaurants became manageable. Eating out with the families was also ok. I didn’t feel as bad/awkward/crazy asking the waitress to customize anything I ordered. Now. Being invited to dinner AT a friend’s house or AT an event where a menu/choice was not available was bad news. I would start freaking out days ahead of time. I would even ask Erin… can you ask what’s for dinner? No. She couldn’t. That’s rude and weird. But I still try. I would start planning for this inevitable date with mystery food ahead of time. Extra hard workouts for that week were a guarantee. Cutting calories leading up to the meal was guaranteed. I had to be ready. The food would undoubtedly be cooked by some unhealthy way. What if there is no side salad? What if they don’t put out a veggie plate or a fruit dish? “NOOOOOOO THEY MADE BURGERS. THERE’S NO WAY THEY USED 97% LEAN BEEF. CHICKEN PARMESEAN?!?!?!?!? WTF! THAT’S BREADED! COOKED IN OIL! THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY EAT PASTA? WHAT A NUTRITIONAL WASTE! THEY USED PREGO SAUCE! ALL THAT SODIUM AND PRESERVATIVES THEY EVEN PUT SUGAR IN THAT SAUCE! WAIT WHAT IS SHE GETTING OUT OF THE FRIDGE NOW…. ITS PROBABLY A TUB OF LARD AT THIS POINT! O WAIT….YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS A SALAD. PROBLEM SOVLED.” Yep. That was a common conversation in my head. With the families life was easier. Id just bring my own meals. Yep I was that guy. No shame in that one. I either brought my own food or made my own meal completely separate from everyone else. Like I said in the beginning I literally developed a fear or phobia for certain things. Sugar terrifies me. I don’t care if it’s plain old white sugar/High Fructose Corn Syrup/Agave nectar/Honey doesn’t even matter… if its added to a food I avoid like the plague. I began studying certain diets. Paleo/Plant-Based/Low-Carb/Atkins/Gluten-Free/Grain-Free and started to believe everything I read. One diet would explain how sugar and carbs are the reason for all health problems in the world… so I cut them out. Some diets talk about how animal products cause every cancer known to man… so I cut them out. Some say potatoes are good, others their bad, Beef is awesome/Beef is a cancer death wish/ Dairy products cause cancer/Wheat will kill you/gluten is the devil/ blah blah blah blah blah! I started to believe everything. I was cutting out so many food because of things I read I was pretty much down to veggies. The only common ground between all diet fads. Even fruit is demonized in some diets. Too much sugar! I have memorized just about every single food’s calorie counts, serving sizes, macronutrient ratios (Protien/carbs/fat %) So now I uncontrollably calculate the nutritional breakdown of every single meal or item I put into my body. Its taxing. Its tiring. I don’t really know how to stop or if its even possible. It sucks.

 The Perfect Storm.

The worst part about this whole situation is BOTH of these issues effected me equally and at the same time. It is an epic battle in my brain on a daily basis between my still strong addiction to food versus my anxiety towards food and the anorexia. So now I face this crazy situation of my addiction reminding me of how wonderful all those foods used to be and that amazing euphoric feeling of stuffing my face with the savoriness… and the reminder of how gross and fat and nasty you felt about 30 min after those massive binges and the same euphoric feeling I get when I beat all those craving to eat everything and how the feeling of being hungry instead of stuffed feels wayyyyyyy better. I get reminded of how much better and healthier I will be tomorrow when I avoid all those foods that everyone else eats. Those nasty people! So what happens… I find myself standing over a desert table or buffet line or even just staring down at a salad with a little person on each shoulder whispering the complete opposite thing in each ear. All the while im mathematically calculating the nutrition of the dishes in front of me. And judging everyone around me as I calculate all the food on their plates. “That dude is about to eat like 1200 calories. That’s a whole DAYS WORTH OF FOOD! TELL HIM NOT TO DO IT! TELLLLLLLL HIM!” “ahhhhhhhhh but those wings like soooooo good. Matt you used to eat 24 wings at B-Dubs on wing night! THEY ARE DELICIOUS! And look!! They are hot wings! NONE SUGAR IN THAT SAUCE! FAIRRRRRRRRR GAME!” “SHUTTTTTTTTTTT UP. You know how much salt they have! Forget the fat and skin and that they are fried…. Salt promotes water retention! You will WEIGH MORE TOMORROW!!!!!!! HAHAHAH GOTCHA! YOU WONT EAT THEM NOW! REMEMBER…YOU’RE A SLAVE TO THE SCALE! YOU WERE 147 TODAY! TOMORROW YOU MIGHT BE 147.5!!!!!!!!!!!! HALF A POUND OF WATER WEIGHT! THAT WOULD SUCK! THINK OF HOW MANY SQUATS YOU HAVE TO DO FOR THAT! HAHAHHAHA I GOT YOU! NONE WINGS FOR YOU!!!!!!!!”

All while trying to pretend I am actively engaged in the present conversation or event. Yah right… definitely have no idea what we are talking about! But everyone else just laughed… HAHA! That was so funny?!? (by the way person who just told the joke… you have 1138 calories on your plate and that desert your about to eat adds another 700 with enough fat grams for an entire week…. You should probably just start driving to the hospital.)

Ahh finally home… time for bed. I am starving! “GO DOWN AND EAT FOOD!” “SHUT UP! GO TO SLEEP”