Do's and Don'ts

What can you do?

What can YOU to do help someone suffering from an eating disorder? Anxiety? Depression?

The truth is I really do not know. I am not a doctor. I am not a counselor. I haven’t really “studied” these types of things. However I am living it. So I can only tell you what experiences I have had. Everyone is completely different and handles things in different ways. I wanted to share some ways that may help you guide others out of these awful things. And also what has and has not worked for me.

First: You need to get your person to admit they are suffering. I was in denial for a realllllllllly long time. I was in control. I didn’t have a problem. No way. I was totally fine. False.

It took many months of Erin and family members talking to me, getting mad at me, being really brutally honest with me and still many months went by that I completely ignored them all and just went about my business. I hurt a lot of people. Most notably Erin. But that’s a story for another day. This step is by far the hardest. Persistence is key. However with persistence you must be patient. Unless your person is literally about to hurt them self you must be patient. Constant nagging made me want to run as far away from all those trying to help me. As hard as it can/will be sure to always show them love. We need love more then anything. We obviously are going through a period of life where we do not love ourselves so hearing and feeling that those close to you really truly love you does help. At least it did for me.  Like I said this part is tough to give advice on because every single person will react differently. But just make sure you are loving these people and not just getting frustrated and mad at them.

In my story… It finally clicked in my head and I sought help. I finally approached Erin and my family and told them I needed to see/talk to someone and begin the healing process. For me it was 2 things that made me turn the corner. 1 was an article I read that I literally cried for like 30 minutes after I read it. (no I don’t even remember was it was called and I have never been able to find it) and the other was people started literally calling Erin and asking me if I was sick or had cancer or something but I looked so terrible. That’s not cool.

So lets say your person has finally admitted they have a problem and need help. You need to get them to share with you the best way you can help them. Do not assume you know what they need. This sort of happened to me. Erin and I met with a very close family friend who happens to be a psychologist. We had a fantastic break though conversation and he recommended that I speak to someone more specialized. So I did and I hated it. Erin and I went and sat down with this psychiatrist and it did nothing but make me really angry and made me want to through in the towel on seeking help. He prescribed me ZOLOFT after I agreed to try it. I don’t think it did anything so I stopped taking it. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine anyway. So  back to square one for me. Counseling was not my thing. For me the biggest help was just talking. Once I finally felt comfortable I began opening up to everyone. I knew I needed help. I knew I had a problem. But I really didn’t want to talk to someone who knows absolutely nothing about  me. It made more sense for me to begin talking and confessing things to those who know me and know my past the best. So I began trying to be more honest with Erin. I had some conversations with my parents separately, and together. It felt really good. I confessed a lot. And they listened. Many times not saying much just allowing me to talk. I think that is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing you can. Let. Them. Talk. Ask open ended questions. Listen. Allow the conversation to flow however that person wants it to go. Encourage them. Erin encouraged me to start this blog. My parents encouraged me to open up to them. Ask them how you can help. Love them. Make sure they know you are in there corner. Often time we convince ourselves we are all alone. Nobody understands. So try to understand. Don’t get frustrated or make your person frustrated because you just don’t understand. You probably wont understand to be honest. But just try. Another thing that helps/helped me was just being away from the “stimulant” of my issues. For me its food. With the addiction/anxiety that food brings over me… its best sometimes for me to just stay away. Asking me to go meet for dinner is probably not the best option. It can be. I enjoy going to dinner with friends. But id rather go bowling, go for a walk, paint a picture, just something to keep my mind busy. So encourage your person to get out and do things or get involved in something so that they can keep there mind at bay for a little while. My church has helped a great deal with this.

Also see if you can encourage your person to talk to others that are suffering with similar issues. Every time I meet someone going through a similar situation and continually find that I am NOT alone it helps me. I feed off of others success and learn from there past experiences. All the feedback I have been given from this blog has had a massive impact on my healing. I feel so much love and encouragement from everyone. It makes me want to heal not only for me but for all of you. Especially my biggest fan … Erin.

This is my DO NOT DO list. Here what upset me or discouraged me.

1.       DO NOT NAG. Do not harass them if you feel like it is taking to long for them to make changes. It can take a long long time. It has for me. I have been on this journey for healing for months now and I have only gained 5 pounds and the numbers on the scale still scare the crap out of me and It has taken a long time to get over many of my food fears.

2.       DO NOT CALL OUT IN PUBLIC. Not going to mention any names here… but 2 people in particle found it necessary to call me out a lot. “You need to eat a sandwich” “EAT CARBS” “ALL YOU DID WAS EAT TURKEY AND VEGGIES” “YOU BARELY TOUCHED THAT ROLL” “OMG MATT JUST EAT A FREAKING COOKIE”. All those comments really upset me. Specifically while we were sitting at Thanksgiving dinner. Like I said wont mention any names but many times people very close to me what call me out like that in front of others  and it would make me super mad.

3.       DO NOT FORCE ANYTHING. Kinda  going off the previous one… for me when we would go out to eat or something instead of telling me I need to order a cheeseburger instead of a salad made me mad. Encourage a more subtle change. I know my parents didn’t seem very happen when I never went back to counseling after only one visit. It didn’t work. Im sorry. But harping on me to go back is just going to make me mad.

4.       DO NOT TALK TO THEM IF YOU ARE NOT ENGAGED. The worsttttttttttttt thing you can do is encourage them to talk and open up and then be preoccupied. This happened a few times to me. I finally got the courage to talk about something and my audience was clearly not listening and made me feel really discouraged.

5.       DO NOT FIRE BACK YOUR OPINIONS. Even if they say something that may be wrong or you didn’t mean it like they took it… just shut up and keep listening! You don’t know why and you wont understand sometimes why your person might have received something you said or did they way they did. Don’t go on the defensive if it really doesn’t matter. See why they took that way, accept it, apologize even if you don’t really thing you should… and more on to keep the conversation going.

I think the bottom line is to just love and encourage. I know recently I was having a really good day and someone told me… “you look kind of sick again” …. BOOOM. Discouraged. However the conversation continued and in context it actually helped me by the end. They were just looking out for me. And I understand that. So just be patient, persistent, and if you are going to commit to allowing the person to seek your guidance and help… you have to be in the game for the long haul. Don’t give up if it doesn’t happen over night. It wont.

I feel like this post is somewhat confusing. One thing I am trying really hard NOT to do… is go back and extensively edit my posts. I want them to flow out of my heart. The more you go back and edit and change and insert and delete stuff, I feel like it contaminates your true feelings. So I apologize if certain posts go all over the place or don’t make sense.

Also PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ask questions if you have them. Like I said it helps to engage people for me. I want to heal. But more then that I want to help others in healing. So please don’t hesitate to ask questions. Call/text/facebook/email I don’t care. Just ask me!