Guilt and Shame

Guilt and Shame

I think one of the worst parts of going through an eating disorder is constantly living with the guilt and shame of what you are doing. I can not speak for anyone but myself, but I don’t really think that people with eating disorders DON’T know and realize what they are doing. I think it is impossible not to. You have all the control in the situation so I feel like its impossible to have control over something without knowing it. That being said… you cant help but feel the shame and feel the guilt of what you are doing. I remember so many times sneaking in a morning run before people woke up and feeling so guilty afterwards. But on the other hand it makes you feel good. First of all… there is the thrill of getting away with something… and also there is the reassuring feeling that comes with knowing you accomplished what you needed to for the day. This was especially true on days that were fully planned out and I knew I wasn’t going to get to work out, or knew we were going to a wedding or something and was going to potentially be faced with an “unhealthy meal”.  I remember some mornings during my secret runs that I would be so concerned with Erin waking up that I would play out a million situations in my head of what could happen. I would play out excuses, or formulate my story if for some reason she was awake sitting on the couch at 445am. It never happened. But I was sure I was ready just in case. I remember hiding my running clothes and making sure I had an outfit ready for after my run that I would through on really quick to cover up the fact that I went running. It actually got worse. I started, instead of jogging my little 3 mile loop, I would run to the gym… do the fastest most efficient work out I could possibly create… and then run back home all before she woke up. I would feel so bad. So guilty. So shameful. All that planning took a lot of work. I was constantly living with the fear of people finding out about these things. I would do secret loads of laundry to make sure I always had my running/work out clothes ready. My mind was totally pre-occupied. My life was pre-occupied. Erin and I were talking about this this weekend. She was sharing her frustrations in how absent I was in this time of my life. How I would be present… but not engaged. I was just kind of “there”. Completely pre-occupied inside my head making sure all my exercising/calories/meal times/types of food/everything was balanced as I deemed necessary. The shame and guilt I felt then was unbearable. It was like 50% of my time was managing those awful feelings, and the other 50% trying to make sure I maintained control over everything. Looking back I feel so bad. I sucked life out of everything. My life for sure but Erin suffered worse. Basically our second year of marriage didn’t really happen. Like I said I was just “There”. I checked out in my head which caused her to check out as well. Which was fully deserved. I hold no hard-feelings towards that. Her dis-engagement was due to mine. She tried and tried and tried to help and eventually it became hopeless. Living with guilt and shame and knowing you can not go back and fix or re-do something is terrible.

The feelings create another firestorm within the mind. The feeling of guilt and shame of all the secret things you are doing… make you feel guilty and shameful for having an eating disorder in the first place… which then makes you feel even worse… which basically makes you succumb to the effects of the disorder even more. Effectively it creates a spiral that continually takes you down further and further. Why am I talking about this today? Because I believe the only way to fully heal and get over many of these feelings are to admit them. I have apologized to all those I have hurt, I have promised to work as hard as I can to heal from this, promised to re-build my life, promised to re-build my marriage, but I don’t think ive ever admitted that YES… I do/did feel bad about all these things. Like I said these feelings made me feel worse then I already did… which just compounded the problem. So I felt like an open apology and an open acceptance of those feelings is necessary. Healing can only come from being transparent in my opinion. The more I keep in… the more control I still have. And the more control I have, the more this will continue to be a problem. I have become a master of manipulation.

On a different note…. I have been really praying and trying to figure out the direction to take this blog. I spent a good amount of time this past weekend in Barnes and Noble and I found what looks like a fantastic book on healing from eating disorders. It is called… “8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder”. It is set up into lessons. At the end of each lesson it has a “writing assignment” where you are to journal your answers to the questions being asked about that topic. I feel like this would be a great utilization for this blog. Not only would it provide me with a guide to continue my healing journey, but it would also offer those of you interested in learning about eating disorders, a unique prospective. You would get to learn my answers. I think I am going to do it. Starting next Monday. I still plan to use this week. To do the “interviews” I mentioned in last weeks blog. I feel like I drifted away from the eating disorder topic lately and I want to stay focused on that for now. It is massively important. SO many people have told me that they have shared this with loved ones and friends who are struggling with the same things. So. Done. That’s the plan. Any comments, input, or other ideas are 100% welcome. Also… if anyone has any questions they would like answers about or perspectives on, please ask me. I will be putting together the questions to send to those I plan on interviewing tonight.

Thanks!