Mirror, Mirror, On the wall.

"How can someone tell if their perception of self is accurate or not before its too late? when you look in the mirror and see yourself as bigger than you really are... how do you know without someone else telling you? When I first realized I was obese... I was shocked and disgusted. I had been going thru life day to day and hadn't really noticed until it was too late. what are the early warning signs for tipping the scale too far in either direction?"

Perception:

A friend of mine asked me if I would touch on the above topic. This is hugely important. Self-Image can be so destructive. I guess I will start on my views/opinions/experiences with it. This has been probably the single most contributing factor to the cause of my eating disorder. For my entire life I was overweight. I always knew I was. I pretty much just became accepting of it and went on with life not really paying any more attention to it anymore. Besides I had “tried” several times to lose weight and it always failed so I figured well…I guess i'm supposed to be the fat kid. To be honest with you it was never really about what I looked like in the mirror at first. I would see myself as overweight… knew I was…. So no surprise! My self-image became a problem after I dropped a significant amount of weight. For me… looking in the mirror and seeing my body at 160lbs was more painful when it was at 275. Why? This is hard to explain. I have tried many times to explain this to my family or to Erin or even close friends and I get kind of blank confused stares because it is so hard to explain. But the fact was that yes… I lost 130 pounds but I never and really still don’t “FEEL” different. Yes when I go for a run it is wayyyyy easier, I look for a different size on the racks at stores and I can finally bend over and touch my toes. But I don’t FEEEEEEEL different. If you were to blindfold me on day 1 of weight loss and take the blindfold off today, I wouldn’t really know I lost any weight. Yes I look in the mirror and see muscles and bones that I didn’t know existed but if I close my eyes I wouldn't know any difference. I think this is the problem. When I look in the mirror I see visual confirmation that I have lost weight. But how much time out of the day we stand in front of a mirror with minimal clothes on? So for the rest of the day while at work, at the gym, out shopping, hanging out with people, I still almost feel like I am wearing a fat suit. Or every time I meet someone I wonder… do I look fat? What if these clothes are kind of baggy and they make me look even fatter. It is impossible to explain. It just happens. I still find myself “sucking in my stomach” when I meet friends of my parents or new work colleagues all for the fear that I may look fat. Its almost like my mind is still confused. This was especially true last summer. I still hold on to a lot of loose skin around my stomach that would form rolls, still shows all my scars from the stretch marks of being obese, and really really mess with me. I feel like its not fair. I lost 130lbs. 130lbs. I have worked so hard. And I still get left with all this left over baggage. Another area that I struggle with in terms of “self-image” is when I buy clothes. Gosh-Darnit if its not slim-fit or fitted cut I wont even consider it. It’s pretty much a form of confirmation I guess. As long as I don’t have to buy “regular cut” I must be thin. This probably stems from being a little kid and always having to buy “husky”. It was almost offensive. I remember getting Christmas presents last year in the form of sweaters and shirts from family members… some were still XL… WTF! I wear a small or medium if I want to be comfortable! Those little things would set off a firestorm in my brain. Do I still look like a freaking XL? Fine… maybe I do… ill be at the gym for the next 8 months. I mean seriously that stuff crushed me.  Even at my smallest when I was running a lot a few times I would run past a window… look at myself… see this tiny little stick figure of a person… but my leftover belly skin was still jiggling all around on every step… was I still fat? I have no idea.

#### NUMBERS#####

Another area I feel like falls under this topic would be the numbers on a scale. The freaking scale. The scale is my all-time arch nemesis, evil enemy, worst villain ever. Its worse then Syria vs Palestine, Barcelona vs Real Madrid, Yankees vs Redsox the only two greater opponents then me vs the scale would have to be God vs Satan. That stupid thing has had such a grip on me. It can dictate what kind of day I will have. How hard I create a workout. Its awful. Those stupid little numbers. My brain works around numbers. Bank account balances, calories, gas mileage, # of reps, doesn't matter. So naturally the scale would create a problem. The problem is… those little numbers were also my sense of validation. I had been following them for years. Down, down, down, down, down, finally to 146. Then it stopped. I really didn't know how to handle it. Its like I couldn't handle the consistency of the number. Its supposed to be changing! All the time! I let the number on the scale define me. It was how I judged myself. My progress. My success or my failure. Weighing before and after workouts. Wondering… if that extra glass of water at lunch was why I was 0.3 over yesterday? My advice for anyone who does/or fears they may struggle with this is DON’T CREATE A NUMBER GOAL! Find a clothing size you want to be… get there… and just make sure your clothes always fit! I still struggle with it. I don’t weigh myself as much anymore and I get massive amounts of anxiety when I do step on it to check. Normally I can pretty much guess to the tenth of a pound what I will be. But lately as I have been working (yes Mom I know its taking way longer then you want) on putting back on weight it has been so hard. I feel like a failure. I like I have lost credibility. I technically haven’t lost 130lbs anymore. Or did i? I guess I did. But I didn't maintain it. So I feel like it doesn't count. I’m a poser now for claiming I lost what I did. I know its not true… or at least that isn't a fair way to look at it… but its how my brain processes it. Death to you Mr.Scale.

Conclusion:

Ok. So. Here’s my advice. I completely understand there are millions of people in the world struggling to lose weight. And struggling to see the beauty in there own self image. But if I could walk around and say one thing to every single person in the world regardless whether your 100lbs or 400lbs… I would tell them you are Beautiful. Not you WILL BE or you CAN BE but you ARE BEAUTIFUL RIGHT NOW. I understand weight loss is important to many people and I would advise people to do it for the health benefits and reducing the potential for developing health problems later on… (especially kids) but please please please hear me you are BEAUTIFULLLLLLLLLLL. Right now. You body doesn't make you beautiful. Your heart and your soul make you beautiful. I know that’s pretty much an impossible sell nowadays… with the media and models and the idea that skinny is beautiful… but trust me its not true. I was happier, more joyful, more alive, more focused on others and their needs when I was 20lbs heavier and not worrying so much about my weight or my numbers. Beauty comes from within. 100%. We were made in the IMAGE OF GOD. God, Jesus, the holy spirit are the only perfect things in life. That means… we were created in the image of PERFECTION. So whether you are overweight, have thinning hair, have an overgrown tailbone (I do… which is why you will rarely ever see me sit on the ground on my butt… freaking hurts!) or anything “not normal” … those IMperfections as we like to call them… are PERFECTIONS. God made it that way. So it is perfect. And what is a great adjective to describe anything that is perfect??? BEAUTIFUL. So to sum it up… algebraically

If: God = Perfection

And: God Created us in HIS IMAGE

Then: His Image = Perfection

So: US = Perfection.

And as we said earlier… Perfection = Beautiful

Finally: US = Beautiful.

God loves you as he made you. End of.