A Mom's Perspective

I have posed a series of questions to those closest to me and asked them to describe living and dealing with someone consumed with an eating disorder. These are their answers which have not been edited or altered in any ways. I will post these Day by Day one person at a time so you can get a unique perspective from each individual.

Mom:

Describe Me from your perspective during the height of my struggle.

During the worst part of this, you were withdrawn and selfish. You wouldn't do anything that you couldn't control. You didn't come over for dinner for weeks because you couldn't control everything I made. When you did come over, you made your own meal. I wasn't happy about this. Our family dinners have been an integral part of our lives forever and you gave up on them. I don't cook unhealthy meals, so it was frustrating. When we went out, you had to pick the place, so you would be happy. You wanted everything your way and you wouldn't bend for those of us who loved you-selfish!

When did you know/think something was wrong?

Erin and I met at Macy's last June and had a heart to heart about what was going on with you. We both ended up crying in Macy's. She had a long talk with you that night. You promised you would do better. You did not. You kept doing what made you feel good and disregarded our feelings. 

Did you feel like any part of this was caused by you?

As a parent you always wonder what you did and how you could or should have fixed it, but I know that we exposed you to healthy activities your whole life. We didn't drink excessively. We didn't have addictive behaviors. We encouraged you through everything sport and activity you tried. We encouraged you to lose weight and do healthy sports. You had to figure this out yourself. 

What was the most frustrating part of how I reacted to your comments/concerns/conversations?

I became very frustrated with your manipulations. You wouldn't listen to us when we told you you were doing too much running and exercise. You wouldn't listen to us when we encouraged you to find a healthy balance. You made promises and then broke them. You hurt me by not listening. I was watching you disappear before my eyes and I felt helpless. I still do. You are not putting the weight back on fast enough, for me. You continue to try to control every situation. It hurt when you would make your own dinners when I had prepared healthy choices just for you. It hurt when I saw you withdraw from your good friends. It hurts when you find an excuse why you can't follow the advice of people who know more than you. When I hear you say that you like cross fit, so you want to keep doing it, despite it not being what your body needs at this time, it pisses me off. I like hot fudge sundaes and cheesecake, but I save them for very special occasions because they are not what my body needs. 

Describe how/if my actions hurt you.

I believe that people with addictive behaviors are selfish. They find any excuse to make the situation right for them. I went through this with an alcoholic father who justified everything he did because he enjoyed it. Thinking about others or putting their needs first, isn't  a consideration. Of course, always putting others before ourselves is equally damaging. There has to be a balance and I don't believe you've found it. 

Were you surprised by this? What have you learned?

Because I'm your mom, and moms want their children to be happy, caring and productive members of society, this has been difficult. I'm not surprised by my feelings. The night before Meg's party I thought my heart was ripping out of my chest, it hurt so bad. We were all hurting and I felt helpless. I'm the one who is supposed to fix all the hurts and make them go away and I couldn't. I still can't. I see you feeling happier, but it don't see you looking healthier. I feel like there is still manipulation going on. I want you to come to dinner and eat a meal without dissecting every ingredient. 

Any additional things you would like to address or talk about, please do.

I am thrilled you are feeling so much comfort and love from your feedback to this blog. I worry about what happens when people aren't commenting as much. You have been excited about what others think and say. I want you to be comfortable with your own thoughts and actions. I want you to engage in a life with Erin that is fulfilling to both of you.

To wrap up, I love you with all my heart and I want you to be well, healthy, and happy.