Awakening

I wanted to give a general update today. I have had a really good week. I am getting so much encouragement from everyone and I can really feel the positive energy flowing through life. I am beginning to feel alive again. This blog has created such a renewed sense of purpose for my life. I do not want to stop. Its been going on for two full weeks now and I really think it has touched peoples lives. Like I have said that is my ultimate prayer for this thing. One thing I have learned from this is how powerful it is to open up and be transparent. We tend to hold on to so many parts of our lives because we think we are weird, different, strange, the only one who might do or think of something a certain way…. But I promise you are not. I encourage you all to open up. Even if its only to your significant other, or your parents, or just a best friend…. But share your thoughts. Let people in. How in the world can we expect any sort of change or benefit in life if we don’t express ourselves? God has placed each of us on this earth for a purpose. I truly believe that. If we keep hidden some of our passions, dreams, or experiences we are limiting our potential impact on other lives. Maybe that’s the problem. We seem to be living and creating more and more of a selfish society. What’s in it for me? How can I gain from this? What can I do to make sure this situation benefits me the most? I struggle with this. I am a selfish person. Obviously. I have selfishly ignored my families, Erin’s, and friend’s concern for me over the past year. I am fine. YOU ALL DON’T UNDERSTAND. You can’t help me. I got this…

I didn’t care how much pain it caused them. I was doing what I thought was right for me. Screw everyone else. It is so sad. Looking back especially I get upset with myself and I begin to see how selfish I was/am in other aspects of life. That is one of the areas I am trying to change big time.

Anyway… Like I said this has been a good week. This week I decided to follow an eating plan I was given by a trainer at my gym in order to start putting on more weight and breaking the anorexia. I have followed it pretty well. Wont say 100% but pretty close. I struggle with snacking. I don’t find it necessary and feel like it adds an unnecessary amount of calories to the day.   But I have essentially increased my meal sizes by about 50%. I will be honest I feel much better. I feel more energy. I feel like my body is coming out of the starvation mode I have put it in for the last year. Ironically, I am hungrier throughout the day. So I feel like my metabolism is actually working as it should… imagine that! I have better performance in my workouts. Life is improving. Slowly. But surely.

Mentally the last couple weeks have been really good as well. Like I said above… I feel a new sense of purpose. I feel like I may have found a niche.

I have always felt like God created me with a servants heart and I really enjoy serving people in a physical/ill do anything you need type of way but now I feel like this may also be beginning to turn into a type of emotional “builder-upper” type of servant. I feel like God has called me to use my experience to help people. I feel like I should be spreading the awareness for eating disorders/anxiety/weight loss issues… and just all around mental health. I feel like being a GUY in this situation brings in a unique opportunity to really help. Guys don’t struggle from this kind of stuff. Only girls… FALSE.

I have some ideas for the coming weeks I am getting really excited about pursuing. One of which is I plan on “Interviewing” Erin, my parents, my sister, and probably a few others and get their point of view on dealing with/living through this experience with me. No holding back. I have already told them I expect brutal honesty. I would also like to get input from everyone who has read this. What do you want to see? What do you want to learn? What questions do you have? I am putting myself out there. I will answer or address every single thing that comes my way. If you have a loved one dealing with some form of any of these issues… I will meet with them, I will talk to them, I will simply send an email every now-and-then to check on them if they wish. I will do anything. I owe it to them. I care about them. I know how terrible life can be going through this and I want sooo badly for the pain and hardship to end for everyone. Life is wonderful. Life is beautiful. We have so much to be thankful for. Being plagued by a mental illness is the last thing anyone wants to live through. Please. Take my hand. I am offering myself, my experience, my anything… to help.

That being said. I would also just like to give another little shout-out to my biggest fan. I am the luckiest guy in the world to have a wife that has stood by me throughout this journey so far. She is amazing. She is so encouraging to me. So wonderful, loving, beautiful, and awesome. I love her with all my heart. You are the best sweetie :)

So. Since I probably wont post over the weekend I will leave you with a challenge.

Do something kind for someone. Anything. To anyone. Anywhere. Spread some love. Create joy in someone’s life. If each of us do this and each person responds with their own act of love towards another person…. We can actually legitimately change the world. Maybe not in a massive “cure for cancer” type of way….but the world needs some happiness. Spread it.