Erin's Perspective: Being Married to an Eating Disorder.

From Erin:

Describe Me from your perspective during the height of my struggle.

Withdrawn, yellow, unresponsive, blank, angry, preoccupied, guilty, shameful, skinny, sickly, lack of energy, painful, lack of social interaction, bored, manipulative, harsh, busy, disengaged

When did you know/think something was wrong?

Right after Christmas 2012, I had noticed that there was something different.  There was a lack of interest in really anything that was going on.  Any food we ate, Matt always modified it, or simply just didn't eat what was made for dinner.  On occasion, Matt would make dinner for "both of us," but he would have a separate dish for himself.  For example, he would make chicken parmesan and would bread the chicken I ate, but his, he would just eat plain.  This slowly escalated into just COMPLETELY separate meals.  I would eat a normal dinner, one we had shared for YEARS together, and Matt would eat an acorn squash. THAT'S IT.  No chicken, no beef, no side, NOTHING.  Then, it became like a game for him.  If he could convince me it tasted good (read: he could manipulate me to think he really believed it was good) then he had succeeded.  He would become very defensive when we talked about eating in general.  He never wanted to go out to dinner anymore, any meal we shared at someone else's house, I was required to call ahead to see what we were having.  It became a complete game to Matt.  Anyway he could get me to do something that he didn't have to do, or get me to buy into what he THOUGHT was good, he won.  And, I could tell on his face, he knew he had won.  

With the exercise, he had become completely consumed with it.  He woke up ran or went to the gym, went to work, and went to the gym again.  He thought I had no idea, but when you live in a 800 square foot condo, and you are a super light sleeper, you hear EVERYTHING.  When I found out he was going to the gym twice, he bought weights and lifted weights on our patio for several months...but, surely he wasn't going to the gym.  Exercise, health, and fitness is ALL he talked about.  And, if the subject was ever changed, he would get mad, or be very disinterested.  It didn't matter who was talking, if it was important or not, he did NOT want to talk about anything else but fitness and healthy eating.  Several times, he tried to convince me to go Paleo, or following whatever diet fad he was following.  I'd do it for a couple of days and realize how utterly ridiculous it was to force food I didn't like into my body.  Then, I'd give up, but Matt kept going.

His body started showing extreme signs of malnutrition.  His waist became a small size of 29, maybe even 28 at his lowest.  He became very sickly, and complained all the time of aching body parts, or just simple fatigue.  But, he would never stop.  Matt started to get an obvious yellow tint to his skin, which to anyone that knows anything about anything medical, that typically signals something related to the liver. It took almost 5 months to convince him to go to the doctor, just to address that ONE symptom, never mind the lack of definition to his arms and legs, the concavity of his chest and face, and his lack of emotion for anything in life, including his family, his friends, or me.  But, the list goes on, you name a symptom of anorexia, Matt had it.

Did you feel like any part of this was caused by you?

Honestly, up until recently, I had convinced myself this was all my fault.  I had secretly slipped into my own depression and withdraw.  "Why couldn't this be fault?" I remember laying awake thinking after many sleepless nights.  I had watched him continue to spiral into this complete and all consuming addiction, and I didn't stop it.  It had to be because I was a terrible wife, I loved my kids at school too much, I spent to much money on my classroom, I loved hanging out with my friends more than him, I spent too much time shopping, etc.  You name it, I had convinced myself that this was the reason Matt was going through this.  It was ALL. MY. FAULT.  It had to be.  LOTS of family and friends would call me and ask about Matt having cancer, or some illness, and what was I doing or saying to him.  Many times, I internalized these comments or conversations, but ultimately, it was the phone call from a sweet and loving friend that Matt overheard that really was the tipping point.

But, then, a sweet friend and I had an intimate conversation one day, and I'll never forget her telling me, "This is not your fault.  You have no impact on these choices, but I know you think you do, because that's how you are."  Then, after breaking down, it was only then that I kind of realized I did not cause this.  But, that was November of 2013.  So, after ten months of beating yourself up over what you allegedly caused your husband to go through, those feelings, emotions, guilt, and shame take a long time to go away.  After much prayer, and talking to friends and family (I swear, I seriously have THE BEST!) I was finally beginning to realize, I can certainly help Matt through this, but this was NOT my fault.  This was not an overnight process. It took SEVERAL sleepless nights, tears, and prayers to get to that point.

What was the most frustrating part of how I reacted to your comments/concerns/conversations?

Matt was not nice.  He would act like I was completely ridiculous for making the comments that I was making, and would react in anger or withdraw when things were brought up.  He found success in being a size small, and what an insult if a medium was accidentally bought.  Conversations were almost always one sided.  His responses were simple, or even one word answers.  He would wake up before I did, EVERY morning, even on the weekends.  Each day of our married life, I woke up, in my bed, alone.  I would eat breakfast alone.  Social events, I found, I was making excuses as to why Matt couldn't come.  Then, I got tired of that and just started saying, "He doesn't want to come."  I think although that was a reflection on Matt, I felt personally responsible.  He never wanted to do anything, or go anywhere, but had some how manipulated the situation to make ME feel as if I didn't want to go anywhere.  And then, I began believing him.  That's probably the most frustrating part of the whole ordeal.  Matt was convincing and manipulating me to believe things that simply weren't true.  And, I was letting it happen.

Socially, he shared no interest in anything anyone was talking about.  Unless it was the latest paleo recipe, or the newest exercise to maximize your ab workout, Matt didn't not want to talk. He didn't want to talk about anything.  Ever.

Describe how/if my actions hurt you.

What a question.  I think the biggest thing, the thing that hurt the most is probably the withdraw.  The attitude of, "I have checked out.  I'm not here, I don't care about anything but eating healthy and exercising."  He had become very emotional, for lack of a better word, about everything.  Small situations were often blown out of proportion for no reason. Waking up, eating, and doing things, lots of things alone, hurt.  It was a struggle, a real struggle.  I think back to last summer, and wonder, if things were different, how would the ultimate outcome have changed?

BUT.... 

Ultimately, I was hurting because Matt was hurting.  He was suffering, so I was suffering.  In a lot of ways, although I do not have the eating disorder, in many ways, I felt like I did.  I remember not sleeping through the night, or sleeping with one eye open because I was afraid to fall asleep for fear of waking up because my husband had not survived through the night.  I remember waiting, wishing, hoping, praying SOMETHING was going to change before we hit rock bottom.  But, as with Matt's DUI, rock bottom had to be found in order to make a change. In order to realize there is more to life than eating, calories, and exercise.  Realize that life is beautiful, and short.  Each day is a gift.

Were you surprised by this? What have you learned?

Not at all.  This was not a shock, this was not a surprise, this was totally expected.  Kind of.  If you would have asked me May 19, 2012, our wedding day, if this would have been my life in a year, I would have said, "You are CRAZY?!"  But, when living through it, the signs were all there, every. single. one.  I knew it.  I knew there was a problem.  Deep down, although I wanted everything to look put together, I knew things were falling apart.

What have I learned?  MORE than I can express in writing.  But, I'll try to do it justice.  I learned:

-Eating disorders are real.  They are alive, and they will rear their ugly head in any life, no discrimination.

-Eating disorders are much more mental than people realize.  It is a complete mind game.  This is what makes the preoccupation of the mind in conversation and relationships so apparent.  How can you be consumed by the 'eating disorder thoughts' and have a conversation about ANYTHING unrelated to that, AT THE SAME TIME?  You can't.

-You need your friends and family more than ever in this sort of crisis.  There is nothing that can go unsaid, there is nothing that you can hide or not mention.  You have to be completely transparent.  You have to let it go, say what you need to say, be honest, be real, be genuine.  You can't carry it alone, and God doesn't want us to, anyway.  But, you also have to be willing to step way out of your comfort zone, and talk about the intimacies of a new marriage in a 'non- new marriage' light.  What Matt and I are experiencing is atypical of newly married couples, but it's what we are dealing with.  That doesn't change our marriage, whether it is new or old.

-It's okay to cry.  It's okay to be upset.  It's okay to be tired.  It's okay to feel like you don't have it all together.  Because in reality, I felt all of those things, at the same time, for several months.

-We serve a BIG God.  A God that doesn't promise it is going to be an easy ride, but a God that says He will NOT leave us.  MANY appointments I went in praying, "God, this could be it.  They are going to take him away, he's going to be institutionalized.  I won't see him for months, if ever again."  But, I knew, and held so tightly to the fact that God had it under control.  I didn't have a clue what the ultimate outcome was going to be, but I was NEVER alone.

-Marriage vows are real.  "In sickness and health" never meant more to me.  I didn't not pledge my love for eternity to Matt with an asterisk.  *If he develops an eating disorder, I'm out.  NO! Wrong!  Never.  Not going to happen.  It is in the darkest days that you realize how much you truly love someone.  And, that proved true for me.  It was in the wee hours of the morning, I would be lying awake next to a quietly sleeping skeleton and I would pray, "God, why is this happening?  Why now?  He's so young."  But, that leads me to my next lesson learned...

-What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Enough said.  Although I wouldn't EVER want to go through this again, this experience has taught me more about myself, more about Matt, more about life, and love than any other situation in my life thus far.  I had NO CHOICE but to lean on God.  This was bigger than me, this was bigger than I could handle, and I couldn't do it, I didn't want to face it alone.  My submersion, the submersion of my life into the hands of God was freeing.  I had to wake each day and pray.  "God, I don't know what challenges I am going to face today with this thing, but I know you go before me.  Thank you."  Life would be so different without that reassurance.  Without the understanding that I am saved by the grace of God.  I would have no hope, no strength, no reason to fight.  But, with God, ALL things are possible.

- Our marriage is stronger because of this.  It has to be.  There was no other way.  It was either going to get stronger or it was going to fall apart.  And, quite frankly, falling apart wasn't an option.

Any additional things you would like to address or talk about, please do.

Although this was probably the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life, and although I DO NOT want to relive it, I wouldn't change any of it.  The lessons learned and the amount of growth that has resulted from this cannot be duplicated.  You don't wish these things on anyone, but you learn to make the best of it.  You learn that even when you don't want to face it, you don't want to deal with it, you have to.  You wake up, embrace the day, and tackle it head on.  There is no other choice.

The biggest take away...although this has taken a lot, and has been a complete healing process, there was never a doubt in my mind that I loved Matt more than anything, and he loved me.  He may not always have shown it in the best way, but I knew, in my heart, this was only for a time.  This too shall pass.  It was going to get better.