Thank You

Final thoughts on a Friday

So I have been in an orientation class all day today so this blog is going to be short. And its Friday. Everything should be shorter and easier on a Friday J

I want to thank everyone for the responses this week. The love and support you have shown Erin and my mom after reading the posts has been amazing. I can honestly and will admittedly say that I have created a living hell for all those people who have cared about me the most. They always say you hurt the most, those closest to you. I have proved that 1000 times over. I have also received feedback and answers from both my Dad and my sister however both have asked me to keep them confidential. I am respecting their requests. I will say they were not easy to read. I asked for honesty, and I got it. Seeing how different people are handling this whole situation has been interesting. It has also been very painful. Its hard to hear about the ways you hurt those that care about you the most. It is hard to read the comments that people write that say stuff like “I wish I would have known so I could have been there for you” or “I am soo sorry for saying this, or doing that, or not being here when you were in the midst of this” … NONE of you owe any form of apologies. You would have NEVER known. I kept everything in. Nothing is anybody’s fault.  So please promise me that none of you feel bad for anything you did or felt like you could have done differently. I am doing everything in my power to focus straight ahead. Looking back will do nothing but send me into a backwards spiral. One foot in front of the other. I am tackling each day, each step, each emotion, each meal, each person one at a time. So once again… thank you for your support. But more importantly thank you for showing so much care and love to my family and Erin. They need and deserve it more than I do. They are all wonderful. I am so truly blessed. Keeping that in mind is what keeps my chin up and eyes on the horizon.

Erin's Perspective: Being Married to an Eating Disorder.

From Erin:

Describe Me from your perspective during the height of my struggle.

Withdrawn, yellow, unresponsive, blank, angry, preoccupied, guilty, shameful, skinny, sickly, lack of energy, painful, lack of social interaction, bored, manipulative, harsh, busy, disengaged

When did you know/think something was wrong?

Right after Christmas 2012, I had noticed that there was something different.  There was a lack of interest in really anything that was going on.  Any food we ate, Matt always modified it, or simply just didn't eat what was made for dinner.  On occasion, Matt would make dinner for "both of us," but he would have a separate dish for himself.  For example, he would make chicken parmesan and would bread the chicken I ate, but his, he would just eat plain.  This slowly escalated into just COMPLETELY separate meals.  I would eat a normal dinner, one we had shared for YEARS together, and Matt would eat an acorn squash. THAT'S IT.  No chicken, no beef, no side, NOTHING.  Then, it became like a game for him.  If he could convince me it tasted good (read: he could manipulate me to think he really believed it was good) then he had succeeded.  He would become very defensive when we talked about eating in general.  He never wanted to go out to dinner anymore, any meal we shared at someone else's house, I was required to call ahead to see what we were having.  It became a complete game to Matt.  Anyway he could get me to do something that he didn't have to do, or get me to buy into what he THOUGHT was good, he won.  And, I could tell on his face, he knew he had won.  

With the exercise, he had become completely consumed with it.  He woke up ran or went to the gym, went to work, and went to the gym again.  He thought I had no idea, but when you live in a 800 square foot condo, and you are a super light sleeper, you hear EVERYTHING.  When I found out he was going to the gym twice, he bought weights and lifted weights on our patio for several months...but, surely he wasn't going to the gym.  Exercise, health, and fitness is ALL he talked about.  And, if the subject was ever changed, he would get mad, or be very disinterested.  It didn't matter who was talking, if it was important or not, he did NOT want to talk about anything else but fitness and healthy eating.  Several times, he tried to convince me to go Paleo, or following whatever diet fad he was following.  I'd do it for a couple of days and realize how utterly ridiculous it was to force food I didn't like into my body.  Then, I'd give up, but Matt kept going.

His body started showing extreme signs of malnutrition.  His waist became a small size of 29, maybe even 28 at his lowest.  He became very sickly, and complained all the time of aching body parts, or just simple fatigue.  But, he would never stop.  Matt started to get an obvious yellow tint to his skin, which to anyone that knows anything about anything medical, that typically signals something related to the liver. It took almost 5 months to convince him to go to the doctor, just to address that ONE symptom, never mind the lack of definition to his arms and legs, the concavity of his chest and face, and his lack of emotion for anything in life, including his family, his friends, or me.  But, the list goes on, you name a symptom of anorexia, Matt had it.

Did you feel like any part of this was caused by you?

Honestly, up until recently, I had convinced myself this was all my fault.  I had secretly slipped into my own depression and withdraw.  "Why couldn't this be fault?" I remember laying awake thinking after many sleepless nights.  I had watched him continue to spiral into this complete and all consuming addiction, and I didn't stop it.  It had to be because I was a terrible wife, I loved my kids at school too much, I spent to much money on my classroom, I loved hanging out with my friends more than him, I spent too much time shopping, etc.  You name it, I had convinced myself that this was the reason Matt was going through this.  It was ALL. MY. FAULT.  It had to be.  LOTS of family and friends would call me and ask about Matt having cancer, or some illness, and what was I doing or saying to him.  Many times, I internalized these comments or conversations, but ultimately, it was the phone call from a sweet and loving friend that Matt overheard that really was the tipping point.

But, then, a sweet friend and I had an intimate conversation one day, and I'll never forget her telling me, "This is not your fault.  You have no impact on these choices, but I know you think you do, because that's how you are."  Then, after breaking down, it was only then that I kind of realized I did not cause this.  But, that was November of 2013.  So, after ten months of beating yourself up over what you allegedly caused your husband to go through, those feelings, emotions, guilt, and shame take a long time to go away.  After much prayer, and talking to friends and family (I swear, I seriously have THE BEST!) I was finally beginning to realize, I can certainly help Matt through this, but this was NOT my fault.  This was not an overnight process. It took SEVERAL sleepless nights, tears, and prayers to get to that point.

What was the most frustrating part of how I reacted to your comments/concerns/conversations?

Matt was not nice.  He would act like I was completely ridiculous for making the comments that I was making, and would react in anger or withdraw when things were brought up.  He found success in being a size small, and what an insult if a medium was accidentally bought.  Conversations were almost always one sided.  His responses were simple, or even one word answers.  He would wake up before I did, EVERY morning, even on the weekends.  Each day of our married life, I woke up, in my bed, alone.  I would eat breakfast alone.  Social events, I found, I was making excuses as to why Matt couldn't come.  Then, I got tired of that and just started saying, "He doesn't want to come."  I think although that was a reflection on Matt, I felt personally responsible.  He never wanted to do anything, or go anywhere, but had some how manipulated the situation to make ME feel as if I didn't want to go anywhere.  And then, I began believing him.  That's probably the most frustrating part of the whole ordeal.  Matt was convincing and manipulating me to believe things that simply weren't true.  And, I was letting it happen.

Socially, he shared no interest in anything anyone was talking about.  Unless it was the latest paleo recipe, or the newest exercise to maximize your ab workout, Matt didn't not want to talk. He didn't want to talk about anything.  Ever.

Describe how/if my actions hurt you.

What a question.  I think the biggest thing, the thing that hurt the most is probably the withdraw.  The attitude of, "I have checked out.  I'm not here, I don't care about anything but eating healthy and exercising."  He had become very emotional, for lack of a better word, about everything.  Small situations were often blown out of proportion for no reason. Waking up, eating, and doing things, lots of things alone, hurt.  It was a struggle, a real struggle.  I think back to last summer, and wonder, if things were different, how would the ultimate outcome have changed?

BUT.... 

Ultimately, I was hurting because Matt was hurting.  He was suffering, so I was suffering.  In a lot of ways, although I do not have the eating disorder, in many ways, I felt like I did.  I remember not sleeping through the night, or sleeping with one eye open because I was afraid to fall asleep for fear of waking up because my husband had not survived through the night.  I remember waiting, wishing, hoping, praying SOMETHING was going to change before we hit rock bottom.  But, as with Matt's DUI, rock bottom had to be found in order to make a change. In order to realize there is more to life than eating, calories, and exercise.  Realize that life is beautiful, and short.  Each day is a gift.

Were you surprised by this? What have you learned?

Not at all.  This was not a shock, this was not a surprise, this was totally expected.  Kind of.  If you would have asked me May 19, 2012, our wedding day, if this would have been my life in a year, I would have said, "You are CRAZY?!"  But, when living through it, the signs were all there, every. single. one.  I knew it.  I knew there was a problem.  Deep down, although I wanted everything to look put together, I knew things were falling apart.

What have I learned?  MORE than I can express in writing.  But, I'll try to do it justice.  I learned:

-Eating disorders are real.  They are alive, and they will rear their ugly head in any life, no discrimination.

-Eating disorders are much more mental than people realize.  It is a complete mind game.  This is what makes the preoccupation of the mind in conversation and relationships so apparent.  How can you be consumed by the 'eating disorder thoughts' and have a conversation about ANYTHING unrelated to that, AT THE SAME TIME?  You can't.

-You need your friends and family more than ever in this sort of crisis.  There is nothing that can go unsaid, there is nothing that you can hide or not mention.  You have to be completely transparent.  You have to let it go, say what you need to say, be honest, be real, be genuine.  You can't carry it alone, and God doesn't want us to, anyway.  But, you also have to be willing to step way out of your comfort zone, and talk about the intimacies of a new marriage in a 'non- new marriage' light.  What Matt and I are experiencing is atypical of newly married couples, but it's what we are dealing with.  That doesn't change our marriage, whether it is new or old.

-It's okay to cry.  It's okay to be upset.  It's okay to be tired.  It's okay to feel like you don't have it all together.  Because in reality, I felt all of those things, at the same time, for several months.

-We serve a BIG God.  A God that doesn't promise it is going to be an easy ride, but a God that says He will NOT leave us.  MANY appointments I went in praying, "God, this could be it.  They are going to take him away, he's going to be institutionalized.  I won't see him for months, if ever again."  But, I knew, and held so tightly to the fact that God had it under control.  I didn't have a clue what the ultimate outcome was going to be, but I was NEVER alone.

-Marriage vows are real.  "In sickness and health" never meant more to me.  I didn't not pledge my love for eternity to Matt with an asterisk.  *If he develops an eating disorder, I'm out.  NO! Wrong!  Never.  Not going to happen.  It is in the darkest days that you realize how much you truly love someone.  And, that proved true for me.  It was in the wee hours of the morning, I would be lying awake next to a quietly sleeping skeleton and I would pray, "God, why is this happening?  Why now?  He's so young."  But, that leads me to my next lesson learned...

-What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Enough said.  Although I wouldn't EVER want to go through this again, this experience has taught me more about myself, more about Matt, more about life, and love than any other situation in my life thus far.  I had NO CHOICE but to lean on God.  This was bigger than me, this was bigger than I could handle, and I couldn't do it, I didn't want to face it alone.  My submersion, the submersion of my life into the hands of God was freeing.  I had to wake each day and pray.  "God, I don't know what challenges I am going to face today with this thing, but I know you go before me.  Thank you."  Life would be so different without that reassurance.  Without the understanding that I am saved by the grace of God.  I would have no hope, no strength, no reason to fight.  But, with God, ALL things are possible.

- Our marriage is stronger because of this.  It has to be.  There was no other way.  It was either going to get stronger or it was going to fall apart.  And, quite frankly, falling apart wasn't an option.

Any additional things you would like to address or talk about, please do.

Although this was probably the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life, and although I DO NOT want to relive it, I wouldn't change any of it.  The lessons learned and the amount of growth that has resulted from this cannot be duplicated.  You don't wish these things on anyone, but you learn to make the best of it.  You learn that even when you don't want to face it, you don't want to deal with it, you have to.  You wake up, embrace the day, and tackle it head on.  There is no other choice.

The biggest take away...although this has taken a lot, and has been a complete healing process, there was never a doubt in my mind that I loved Matt more than anything, and he loved me.  He may not always have shown it in the best way, but I knew, in my heart, this was only for a time.  This too shall pass.  It was going to get better.

A Mom's Perspective

I have posed a series of questions to those closest to me and asked them to describe living and dealing with someone consumed with an eating disorder. These are their answers which have not been edited or altered in any ways. I will post these Day by Day one person at a time so you can get a unique perspective from each individual.

Mom:

Describe Me from your perspective during the height of my struggle.

During the worst part of this, you were withdrawn and selfish. You wouldn't do anything that you couldn't control. You didn't come over for dinner for weeks because you couldn't control everything I made. When you did come over, you made your own meal. I wasn't happy about this. Our family dinners have been an integral part of our lives forever and you gave up on them. I don't cook unhealthy meals, so it was frustrating. When we went out, you had to pick the place, so you would be happy. You wanted everything your way and you wouldn't bend for those of us who loved you-selfish!

When did you know/think something was wrong?

Erin and I met at Macy's last June and had a heart to heart about what was going on with you. We both ended up crying in Macy's. She had a long talk with you that night. You promised you would do better. You did not. You kept doing what made you feel good and disregarded our feelings. 

Did you feel like any part of this was caused by you?

As a parent you always wonder what you did and how you could or should have fixed it, but I know that we exposed you to healthy activities your whole life. We didn't drink excessively. We didn't have addictive behaviors. We encouraged you through everything sport and activity you tried. We encouraged you to lose weight and do healthy sports. You had to figure this out yourself. 

What was the most frustrating part of how I reacted to your comments/concerns/conversations?

I became very frustrated with your manipulations. You wouldn't listen to us when we told you you were doing too much running and exercise. You wouldn't listen to us when we encouraged you to find a healthy balance. You made promises and then broke them. You hurt me by not listening. I was watching you disappear before my eyes and I felt helpless. I still do. You are not putting the weight back on fast enough, for me. You continue to try to control every situation. It hurt when you would make your own dinners when I had prepared healthy choices just for you. It hurt when I saw you withdraw from your good friends. It hurts when you find an excuse why you can't follow the advice of people who know more than you. When I hear you say that you like cross fit, so you want to keep doing it, despite it not being what your body needs at this time, it pisses me off. I like hot fudge sundaes and cheesecake, but I save them for very special occasions because they are not what my body needs. 

Describe how/if my actions hurt you.

I believe that people with addictive behaviors are selfish. They find any excuse to make the situation right for them. I went through this with an alcoholic father who justified everything he did because he enjoyed it. Thinking about others or putting their needs first, isn't  a consideration. Of course, always putting others before ourselves is equally damaging. There has to be a balance and I don't believe you've found it. 

Were you surprised by this? What have you learned?

Because I'm your mom, and moms want their children to be happy, caring and productive members of society, this has been difficult. I'm not surprised by my feelings. The night before Meg's party I thought my heart was ripping out of my chest, it hurt so bad. We were all hurting and I felt helpless. I'm the one who is supposed to fix all the hurts and make them go away and I couldn't. I still can't. I see you feeling happier, but it don't see you looking healthier. I feel like there is still manipulation going on. I want you to come to dinner and eat a meal without dissecting every ingredient. 

Any additional things you would like to address or talk about, please do.

I am thrilled you are feeling so much comfort and love from your feedback to this blog. I worry about what happens when people aren't commenting as much. You have been excited about what others think and say. I want you to be comfortable with your own thoughts and actions. I want you to engage in a life with Erin that is fulfilling to both of you.

To wrap up, I love you with all my heart and I want you to be well, healthy, and happy. 

Mirror, Mirror, On the wall.

"How can someone tell if their perception of self is accurate or not before its too late? when you look in the mirror and see yourself as bigger than you really are... how do you know without someone else telling you? When I first realized I was obese... I was shocked and disgusted. I had been going thru life day to day and hadn't really noticed until it was too late. what are the early warning signs for tipping the scale too far in either direction?"

Perception:

A friend of mine asked me if I would touch on the above topic. This is hugely important. Self-Image can be so destructive. I guess I will start on my views/opinions/experiences with it. This has been probably the single most contributing factor to the cause of my eating disorder. For my entire life I was overweight. I always knew I was. I pretty much just became accepting of it and went on with life not really paying any more attention to it anymore. Besides I had “tried” several times to lose weight and it always failed so I figured well…I guess i'm supposed to be the fat kid. To be honest with you it was never really about what I looked like in the mirror at first. I would see myself as overweight… knew I was…. So no surprise! My self-image became a problem after I dropped a significant amount of weight. For me… looking in the mirror and seeing my body at 160lbs was more painful when it was at 275. Why? This is hard to explain. I have tried many times to explain this to my family or to Erin or even close friends and I get kind of blank confused stares because it is so hard to explain. But the fact was that yes… I lost 130 pounds but I never and really still don’t “FEEL” different. Yes when I go for a run it is wayyyyy easier, I look for a different size on the racks at stores and I can finally bend over and touch my toes. But I don’t FEEEEEEEL different. If you were to blindfold me on day 1 of weight loss and take the blindfold off today, I wouldn’t really know I lost any weight. Yes I look in the mirror and see muscles and bones that I didn’t know existed but if I close my eyes I wouldn't know any difference. I think this is the problem. When I look in the mirror I see visual confirmation that I have lost weight. But how much time out of the day we stand in front of a mirror with minimal clothes on? So for the rest of the day while at work, at the gym, out shopping, hanging out with people, I still almost feel like I am wearing a fat suit. Or every time I meet someone I wonder… do I look fat? What if these clothes are kind of baggy and they make me look even fatter. It is impossible to explain. It just happens. I still find myself “sucking in my stomach” when I meet friends of my parents or new work colleagues all for the fear that I may look fat. Its almost like my mind is still confused. This was especially true last summer. I still hold on to a lot of loose skin around my stomach that would form rolls, still shows all my scars from the stretch marks of being obese, and really really mess with me. I feel like its not fair. I lost 130lbs. 130lbs. I have worked so hard. And I still get left with all this left over baggage. Another area that I struggle with in terms of “self-image” is when I buy clothes. Gosh-Darnit if its not slim-fit or fitted cut I wont even consider it. It’s pretty much a form of confirmation I guess. As long as I don’t have to buy “regular cut” I must be thin. This probably stems from being a little kid and always having to buy “husky”. It was almost offensive. I remember getting Christmas presents last year in the form of sweaters and shirts from family members… some were still XL… WTF! I wear a small or medium if I want to be comfortable! Those little things would set off a firestorm in my brain. Do I still look like a freaking XL? Fine… maybe I do… ill be at the gym for the next 8 months. I mean seriously that stuff crushed me.  Even at my smallest when I was running a lot a few times I would run past a window… look at myself… see this tiny little stick figure of a person… but my leftover belly skin was still jiggling all around on every step… was I still fat? I have no idea.

#### NUMBERS#####

Another area I feel like falls under this topic would be the numbers on a scale. The freaking scale. The scale is my all-time arch nemesis, evil enemy, worst villain ever. Its worse then Syria vs Palestine, Barcelona vs Real Madrid, Yankees vs Redsox the only two greater opponents then me vs the scale would have to be God vs Satan. That stupid thing has had such a grip on me. It can dictate what kind of day I will have. How hard I create a workout. Its awful. Those stupid little numbers. My brain works around numbers. Bank account balances, calories, gas mileage, # of reps, doesn't matter. So naturally the scale would create a problem. The problem is… those little numbers were also my sense of validation. I had been following them for years. Down, down, down, down, down, finally to 146. Then it stopped. I really didn't know how to handle it. Its like I couldn't handle the consistency of the number. Its supposed to be changing! All the time! I let the number on the scale define me. It was how I judged myself. My progress. My success or my failure. Weighing before and after workouts. Wondering… if that extra glass of water at lunch was why I was 0.3 over yesterday? My advice for anyone who does/or fears they may struggle with this is DON’T CREATE A NUMBER GOAL! Find a clothing size you want to be… get there… and just make sure your clothes always fit! I still struggle with it. I don’t weigh myself as much anymore and I get massive amounts of anxiety when I do step on it to check. Normally I can pretty much guess to the tenth of a pound what I will be. But lately as I have been working (yes Mom I know its taking way longer then you want) on putting back on weight it has been so hard. I feel like a failure. I like I have lost credibility. I technically haven’t lost 130lbs anymore. Or did i? I guess I did. But I didn't maintain it. So I feel like it doesn't count. I’m a poser now for claiming I lost what I did. I know its not true… or at least that isn't a fair way to look at it… but its how my brain processes it. Death to you Mr.Scale.

Conclusion:

Ok. So. Here’s my advice. I completely understand there are millions of people in the world struggling to lose weight. And struggling to see the beauty in there own self image. But if I could walk around and say one thing to every single person in the world regardless whether your 100lbs or 400lbs… I would tell them you are Beautiful. Not you WILL BE or you CAN BE but you ARE BEAUTIFUL RIGHT NOW. I understand weight loss is important to many people and I would advise people to do it for the health benefits and reducing the potential for developing health problems later on… (especially kids) but please please please hear me you are BEAUTIFULLLLLLLLLLL. Right now. You body doesn't make you beautiful. Your heart and your soul make you beautiful. I know that’s pretty much an impossible sell nowadays… with the media and models and the idea that skinny is beautiful… but trust me its not true. I was happier, more joyful, more alive, more focused on others and their needs when I was 20lbs heavier and not worrying so much about my weight or my numbers. Beauty comes from within. 100%. We were made in the IMAGE OF GOD. God, Jesus, the holy spirit are the only perfect things in life. That means… we were created in the image of PERFECTION. So whether you are overweight, have thinning hair, have an overgrown tailbone (I do… which is why you will rarely ever see me sit on the ground on my butt… freaking hurts!) or anything “not normal” … those IMperfections as we like to call them… are PERFECTIONS. God made it that way. So it is perfect. And what is a great adjective to describe anything that is perfect??? BEAUTIFUL. So to sum it up… algebraically

If: God = Perfection

And: God Created us in HIS IMAGE

Then: His Image = Perfection

So: US = Perfection.

And as we said earlier… Perfection = Beautiful

Finally: US = Beautiful.

God loves you as he made you. End of.

Guilt and Shame

Guilt and Shame

I think one of the worst parts of going through an eating disorder is constantly living with the guilt and shame of what you are doing. I can not speak for anyone but myself, but I don’t really think that people with eating disorders DON’T know and realize what they are doing. I think it is impossible not to. You have all the control in the situation so I feel like its impossible to have control over something without knowing it. That being said… you cant help but feel the shame and feel the guilt of what you are doing. I remember so many times sneaking in a morning run before people woke up and feeling so guilty afterwards. But on the other hand it makes you feel good. First of all… there is the thrill of getting away with something… and also there is the reassuring feeling that comes with knowing you accomplished what you needed to for the day. This was especially true on days that were fully planned out and I knew I wasn’t going to get to work out, or knew we were going to a wedding or something and was going to potentially be faced with an “unhealthy meal”.  I remember some mornings during my secret runs that I would be so concerned with Erin waking up that I would play out a million situations in my head of what could happen. I would play out excuses, or formulate my story if for some reason she was awake sitting on the couch at 445am. It never happened. But I was sure I was ready just in case. I remember hiding my running clothes and making sure I had an outfit ready for after my run that I would through on really quick to cover up the fact that I went running. It actually got worse. I started, instead of jogging my little 3 mile loop, I would run to the gym… do the fastest most efficient work out I could possibly create… and then run back home all before she woke up. I would feel so bad. So guilty. So shameful. All that planning took a lot of work. I was constantly living with the fear of people finding out about these things. I would do secret loads of laundry to make sure I always had my running/work out clothes ready. My mind was totally pre-occupied. My life was pre-occupied. Erin and I were talking about this this weekend. She was sharing her frustrations in how absent I was in this time of my life. How I would be present… but not engaged. I was just kind of “there”. Completely pre-occupied inside my head making sure all my exercising/calories/meal times/types of food/everything was balanced as I deemed necessary. The shame and guilt I felt then was unbearable. It was like 50% of my time was managing those awful feelings, and the other 50% trying to make sure I maintained control over everything. Looking back I feel so bad. I sucked life out of everything. My life for sure but Erin suffered worse. Basically our second year of marriage didn’t really happen. Like I said I was just “There”. I checked out in my head which caused her to check out as well. Which was fully deserved. I hold no hard-feelings towards that. Her dis-engagement was due to mine. She tried and tried and tried to help and eventually it became hopeless. Living with guilt and shame and knowing you can not go back and fix or re-do something is terrible.

The feelings create another firestorm within the mind. The feeling of guilt and shame of all the secret things you are doing… make you feel guilty and shameful for having an eating disorder in the first place… which then makes you feel even worse… which basically makes you succumb to the effects of the disorder even more. Effectively it creates a spiral that continually takes you down further and further. Why am I talking about this today? Because I believe the only way to fully heal and get over many of these feelings are to admit them. I have apologized to all those I have hurt, I have promised to work as hard as I can to heal from this, promised to re-build my life, promised to re-build my marriage, but I don’t think ive ever admitted that YES… I do/did feel bad about all these things. Like I said these feelings made me feel worse then I already did… which just compounded the problem. So I felt like an open apology and an open acceptance of those feelings is necessary. Healing can only come from being transparent in my opinion. The more I keep in… the more control I still have. And the more control I have, the more this will continue to be a problem. I have become a master of manipulation.

On a different note…. I have been really praying and trying to figure out the direction to take this blog. I spent a good amount of time this past weekend in Barnes and Noble and I found what looks like a fantastic book on healing from eating disorders. It is called… “8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder”. It is set up into lessons. At the end of each lesson it has a “writing assignment” where you are to journal your answers to the questions being asked about that topic. I feel like this would be a great utilization for this blog. Not only would it provide me with a guide to continue my healing journey, but it would also offer those of you interested in learning about eating disorders, a unique prospective. You would get to learn my answers. I think I am going to do it. Starting next Monday. I still plan to use this week. To do the “interviews” I mentioned in last weeks blog. I feel like I drifted away from the eating disorder topic lately and I want to stay focused on that for now. It is massively important. SO many people have told me that they have shared this with loved ones and friends who are struggling with the same things. So. Done. That’s the plan. Any comments, input, or other ideas are 100% welcome. Also… if anyone has any questions they would like answers about or perspectives on, please ask me. I will be putting together the questions to send to those I plan on interviewing tonight.

Thanks!

Awakening

I wanted to give a general update today. I have had a really good week. I am getting so much encouragement from everyone and I can really feel the positive energy flowing through life. I am beginning to feel alive again. This blog has created such a renewed sense of purpose for my life. I do not want to stop. Its been going on for two full weeks now and I really think it has touched peoples lives. Like I have said that is my ultimate prayer for this thing. One thing I have learned from this is how powerful it is to open up and be transparent. We tend to hold on to so many parts of our lives because we think we are weird, different, strange, the only one who might do or think of something a certain way…. But I promise you are not. I encourage you all to open up. Even if its only to your significant other, or your parents, or just a best friend…. But share your thoughts. Let people in. How in the world can we expect any sort of change or benefit in life if we don’t express ourselves? God has placed each of us on this earth for a purpose. I truly believe that. If we keep hidden some of our passions, dreams, or experiences we are limiting our potential impact on other lives. Maybe that’s the problem. We seem to be living and creating more and more of a selfish society. What’s in it for me? How can I gain from this? What can I do to make sure this situation benefits me the most? I struggle with this. I am a selfish person. Obviously. I have selfishly ignored my families, Erin’s, and friend’s concern for me over the past year. I am fine. YOU ALL DON’T UNDERSTAND. You can’t help me. I got this…

I didn’t care how much pain it caused them. I was doing what I thought was right for me. Screw everyone else. It is so sad. Looking back especially I get upset with myself and I begin to see how selfish I was/am in other aspects of life. That is one of the areas I am trying to change big time.

Anyway… Like I said this has been a good week. This week I decided to follow an eating plan I was given by a trainer at my gym in order to start putting on more weight and breaking the anorexia. I have followed it pretty well. Wont say 100% but pretty close. I struggle with snacking. I don’t find it necessary and feel like it adds an unnecessary amount of calories to the day.   But I have essentially increased my meal sizes by about 50%. I will be honest I feel much better. I feel more energy. I feel like my body is coming out of the starvation mode I have put it in for the last year. Ironically, I am hungrier throughout the day. So I feel like my metabolism is actually working as it should… imagine that! I have better performance in my workouts. Life is improving. Slowly. But surely.

Mentally the last couple weeks have been really good as well. Like I said above… I feel a new sense of purpose. I feel like I may have found a niche.

I have always felt like God created me with a servants heart and I really enjoy serving people in a physical/ill do anything you need type of way but now I feel like this may also be beginning to turn into a type of emotional “builder-upper” type of servant. I feel like God has called me to use my experience to help people. I feel like I should be spreading the awareness for eating disorders/anxiety/weight loss issues… and just all around mental health. I feel like being a GUY in this situation brings in a unique opportunity to really help. Guys don’t struggle from this kind of stuff. Only girls… FALSE.

I have some ideas for the coming weeks I am getting really excited about pursuing. One of which is I plan on “Interviewing” Erin, my parents, my sister, and probably a few others and get their point of view on dealing with/living through this experience with me. No holding back. I have already told them I expect brutal honesty. I would also like to get input from everyone who has read this. What do you want to see? What do you want to learn? What questions do you have? I am putting myself out there. I will answer or address every single thing that comes my way. If you have a loved one dealing with some form of any of these issues… I will meet with them, I will talk to them, I will simply send an email every now-and-then to check on them if they wish. I will do anything. I owe it to them. I care about them. I know how terrible life can be going through this and I want sooo badly for the pain and hardship to end for everyone. Life is wonderful. Life is beautiful. We have so much to be thankful for. Being plagued by a mental illness is the last thing anyone wants to live through. Please. Take my hand. I am offering myself, my experience, my anything… to help.

That being said. I would also just like to give another little shout-out to my biggest fan. I am the luckiest guy in the world to have a wife that has stood by me throughout this journey so far. She is amazing. She is so encouraging to me. So wonderful, loving, beautiful, and awesome. I love her with all my heart. You are the best sweetie :)

So. Since I probably wont post over the weekend I will leave you with a challenge.

Do something kind for someone. Anything. To anyone. Anywhere. Spread some love. Create joy in someone’s life. If each of us do this and each person responds with their own act of love towards another person…. We can actually legitimately change the world. Maybe not in a massive “cure for cancer” type of way….but the world needs some happiness. Spread it. 

The greatest night of my life.

The worst greatest night of my life.

This is not exactly where I planned on today’s post going but I feel like I need to share the last piece of the puzzle to my past that has shaped the last 7 years for me.

August 31^st 2007 – I set out on weekend getaway to Radford to see my friends for one last time before the semester got underway. I was stoked. A weekend full of friends, keg parties, keg parties, and keg parties. I drove up by myself on Friday morning and was ready to party. That night was wild. I really have no idea how much I drank. But it was enough to black out. Skipping all the details of the party… it was wild. I was hammered. Apparently… I decided I was hungry. I don’t remember this. But was told after the fact. (Clarification: This was when I was still at my heaviest and I had a tendency to go on a binge drinking session… followed by a binge food session… so me wanting some pizza the usual after a super drunk night) But this time I must have decided I wanted to pick out my own food… so I was off to Walmart. Yep. Got in my jeep… apparently paid no attention to the curb or sidewalk that stood in the way of my car and road I needed to go on.. but I was off! I remember “waking up” inside Walmart. WHOA. How in the world did I get here. No idea. But there was tons of food in here and I didn’t have time to figure out why or how I was there. I bought a pizza and was off. I remember not having a shirt on and an employee told me I needed to go home and put some clothes on. Anyway… Pizza. Check. Like an idiot I decided I was totally fine to drive back home. It was only a few miles. Ill be fine. I drove home like a champ. Really. I was 300 feet from my friends apartment when it happened. Blue lights. Sirens. Oh S**T. Sure enough he pulled up right behind me. DONE. That’s it. This is going to really suck. He informed me he was not pulling me over for any driving infractions… and that I was actually driving respectively. OK… thanks…. But for real lets get to the point. I am pulling you over because your vehicle was involved in an incident and witnesses told us you may have been drinking.

“Have you been drinking Sir?”

“Umm… Yes Sir…”

“How much would you say you have had tonight?”

“Umm… enough”

So then I proceeded with the standard stuff. Field Sobriety test. Say the ABC’s backwards from W to C….. HAHA! Yahhhhh right.

Walk the line…. Tripped on my final couple steps.

That was it. Handcuffed. Shirtless. Fat kid. Huge crowd of people watching this event go down. Stuffed into the back of the cruiser.

My life was over. How had it come to this? Why me? What did I do? WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL MY PARENTS?

Long story short… I blew a .24 at the scene. (unofficial) Blew a .14 at the police office (.15 is mandatory 30 days in jail and way worse penalties) Someone was looking out for me.

Off to the Jail. Spent the night. Freezing cold. 4x8 concrete cell all by myself. Water all over the floor. Had to borrow an “Inmate” shirt from them because I didn’t have a shirt. Car was impounded. My life came crumbling down in a matter of a few hours. I had hit rock bottom.

This is where it may get weird for some of you. Only Erin, and a few close friends know this part of story because I never thought people would believe me. But it was at this moment lying on the floor, freezing cold, crying, freaking out, hating myself… I said “Im sorry” I felt so compelled to just start praying for forgiveness. For help, for a hand to guide me out of this. I knew God, I knew Jesus, but quite obviously put them on a back burner. I didn’t need them. I was doing fine with out them. My life was GREAT! HA. Yah…. Right.

I cant accurately explain this part without you thinking I am crazy… or dreaming… but at that moment the door was opened. Not the jail cell door. But the figurative door. The second chance. The restart I needed. I felt this overwhelming presence around me. I became comfortable. Warm. A sense of Hope. This was not a dream. I was awake. I know I was awake because I didn’t sleep another peep that night. I knew what it was. It was God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. He found me. He reached out his hand and rescued me. I literally left like he picked me up, brushed me off, and said something to the effect of “Matt… you messed up. That was really stupid. Your lucky I didn’t let you hurt anyone. Here is your shot. CHANGE this. This lifestyle is not for you.”

At that moment I got on my knees and just prayed. Again. I was sorry. I wanted this to end. I wanted this to change, to never happen again. I re-dedicated my life to Christ that night. I felt better. Not good. I was still in jail. But I had a teammate. I would get through this. I wasn’t alone anymore.

Anyway… one of my best friends came and picked me up the next afternoon. Made the inevitable phone call home. Cried. A lot. Cried with my mom on the phone. Endured the wrath of a disappointed father. The worst thing in the  world by the way.

So I made it home. Went to court got charged with a DUI. Did the mandatory AA meetings, Alcohol and drug abuse classes, suspended license for a year, paid the fines, lost the trust from my family, and began the long hard journey to rebuild my life. March 2008 I made the most important phone call of my life. I was looking for a summer job that didn’t require driving. Called Caleb Kuenzli, he got me an interview at Triple R Ranch, by the grace of God they for some reason hired me as a boys counselor (because im sure I sounded like a great role model for kids!!!) for the summer and the rest is history.

Looking back that was the GREATEST worst night of my life.

Saul to Paul.

I hate the fact that I had to hit rock bottom to accept the truth that Jesus is our Lord and our Savior. I knew it the whole time. I just ignored it. I ignored God. Still makes me angry at myself. But that’s my story. We serve an amazing God. He will meet you at best or your worst. He will not look down upon you. He will meet you in a meadow, or meet you in a canyon. He just wants us to love Him. Love HIM. I truly feel like he puts some of us in crappy situations and rescues us to show the world His never-ending grace. 

Find What You Love

Find What You Love

I think one of the most important aspects to healing is focus. Specifically WHAT you are focusing on. Obviously the default answer would be to solely focus on God and his will and all should work out fine. And I agree. We should always set our sights on God and I believe when you do this… it will help shift your focus to what I am about to talk about.

When suffering from an eating disorder/anxiety/depression/OCD what ever it is… you tend to focus on nothing but that. You become all consumed with what you are suffering from. I know for me it is primarily focusing on food/calories/exercise. I explained previously the conversations and battles that went on(sometimes ill admit they still do) inside my head. Most of the time it is unavoidable. You really cant CONTROL it per say… how ever there are things you can do that I found help.

Find your passion.

Find your niche.

Find your purpose.

Find out the situations in your life that trigger the negative responses or the relapses or the moments that sink you back into the dark times. AND DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO REPLACE THOSE WITH A NEWLY INSPIRED FOCUS.

This is where you (the person from yesterday that is seeking to help a loved one) become very important. Do everything you can to encourage the sufferer. If they are having a good day and ask to maybe go do something…. DO IT! If they come to you with an idea or a thought or anything that they seem excited about… ENCOURAGE THEM. (obviously  use some discrection. Probably not a good idea to encourage an anorexia sufferer to sign up for the 100k Ultra-marathon) But for example, in my situation… I told Erin one day I was really nervous and scared but felt like I needed to have a really honest, tell-all, confession conversation with my Dad. Erin encouraged me and after the hour long, tear-filled, standing outside in our backyard in the freezing cold one night, I felt great. I genuinely think that this one conversation sparked my quest for healing. So that being said the take-away from this is you never know what or when someone might turn the corner. You never know the stimulous that will spark the desire for change. Or atleast the understanding for the need to change. This blog is another perfect example. I was scared to death to start this. I was ready in my mind to quit on Day 2. I knew I would. I always do. This was going to be the most embarrassing One-Post Blog ever. But hearing, seeing, feeling and experience the love and encouragement from everyone who has been following me, has inspired me. I found my purpose. I found my niche. I found my passion. Right now I feel as if I am put on this earth to help others heal and beat what ever it is that is holding them back.

The love and encouragement that everyone has shown me has helped me tremendously. As I hear about ways this blog is helping people it makes me want to beat it even more. I can be the living witness that people need. I know I can. I want to be. I have been “tearing down the walls” not for me. But for you. For your loved ones. And for God.

But back to helping people find there purpose. One of the greatest things that helped me was understanding that my passions/interests/hobbies are MINE and not anybody elses. I have always pretended to like things I never did because in the eyes of everyone they were “Cool” or “trendy” or what everyone else was doing. People shouldn’t judge you for what you like. But they will. Some will atleast. But encourage your person to open up. Don’t judge them if they say something weird. Or you find funny, or odd, or out of the box. Even a slight giggle can be detrimental to their confidence. Because in the end CONFIDENCE is what we need to build in eachother. Like I said I always hid my true passions because based on the status-quo they were not cool. For example. I love Celtic Woman. (yes the women singing group) I always have loved that kind of music. I love the storylines to the songs. I love the melodies. Those girls can freaking sing! I love Josh Groban. I love the Piano Guys, Pentatonix. But I would have never admitted that 5 years ago. That wasn’t cool. You’re a 23 yr old dude. Punk Rock/Metal or rap is cool. Not some frolicking Scottish woman singing to bagpipes. Second example for me was painting and my love for art. I love painting. I love drawing. Specifically childrens books and artwork. I would rather read The Polar Express or Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs then the latest James Patterson thriller. But it wasn’t until I confessed these “weird” things to people that I realized I am not weird. My first painting was loved by everyone. I realized I shared interests with so many people but since I never spoke out about them it never knew. Just assumed I was the only one. And when we assume we are the only one or alone is something… we create a false understanding of ourselves and dig into solitude.

So the big picture takeaway… Help your person FOCUS. FOCUS on finding there purpose and passion in life and ENCOURAGE them to pursue with all their hearts. Hopefully with a renewed sense of purpose and life they can begin to spend more time thinking and focusing on those passions and less time focusing on fighting the everyday battles within their minds.

ENCOURAGE a FOCUS on PASSIONATE pursuit of PURPOSE.

And never for to keep your eyes focused on the Lord as well.

Just incase you didn’t know… I love you all. I have heard from people I haven’t heard from since high school. Thank you. It is helping me so much. My life is beginning to feel full again. Thanks again and I love each of you. Hopefully today’s post inspires someone out there to try something new or something they have never had the courage to pursue today. That is my prayer. JUST DO IT! You may never perfect whatever it is. But if YOU LOVE IT and you give it your ENTIRE HEART…. It is perfect.  

Do's and Don'ts

What can you do?

What can YOU to do help someone suffering from an eating disorder? Anxiety? Depression?

The truth is I really do not know. I am not a doctor. I am not a counselor. I haven’t really “studied” these types of things. However I am living it. So I can only tell you what experiences I have had. Everyone is completely different and handles things in different ways. I wanted to share some ways that may help you guide others out of these awful things. And also what has and has not worked for me.

First: You need to get your person to admit they are suffering. I was in denial for a realllllllllly long time. I was in control. I didn’t have a problem. No way. I was totally fine. False.

It took many months of Erin and family members talking to me, getting mad at me, being really brutally honest with me and still many months went by that I completely ignored them all and just went about my business. I hurt a lot of people. Most notably Erin. But that’s a story for another day. This step is by far the hardest. Persistence is key. However with persistence you must be patient. Unless your person is literally about to hurt them self you must be patient. Constant nagging made me want to run as far away from all those trying to help me. As hard as it can/will be sure to always show them love. We need love more then anything. We obviously are going through a period of life where we do not love ourselves so hearing and feeling that those close to you really truly love you does help. At least it did for me.  Like I said this part is tough to give advice on because every single person will react differently. But just make sure you are loving these people and not just getting frustrated and mad at them.

In my story… It finally clicked in my head and I sought help. I finally approached Erin and my family and told them I needed to see/talk to someone and begin the healing process. For me it was 2 things that made me turn the corner. 1 was an article I read that I literally cried for like 30 minutes after I read it. (no I don’t even remember was it was called and I have never been able to find it) and the other was people started literally calling Erin and asking me if I was sick or had cancer or something but I looked so terrible. That’s not cool.

So lets say your person has finally admitted they have a problem and need help. You need to get them to share with you the best way you can help them. Do not assume you know what they need. This sort of happened to me. Erin and I met with a very close family friend who happens to be a psychologist. We had a fantastic break though conversation and he recommended that I speak to someone more specialized. So I did and I hated it. Erin and I went and sat down with this psychiatrist and it did nothing but make me really angry and made me want to through in the towel on seeking help. He prescribed me ZOLOFT after I agreed to try it. I don’t think it did anything so I stopped taking it. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine anyway. So  back to square one for me. Counseling was not my thing. For me the biggest help was just talking. Once I finally felt comfortable I began opening up to everyone. I knew I needed help. I knew I had a problem. But I really didn’t want to talk to someone who knows absolutely nothing about  me. It made more sense for me to begin talking and confessing things to those who know me and know my past the best. So I began trying to be more honest with Erin. I had some conversations with my parents separately, and together. It felt really good. I confessed a lot. And they listened. Many times not saying much just allowing me to talk. I think that is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing you can. Let. Them. Talk. Ask open ended questions. Listen. Allow the conversation to flow however that person wants it to go. Encourage them. Erin encouraged me to start this blog. My parents encouraged me to open up to them. Ask them how you can help. Love them. Make sure they know you are in there corner. Often time we convince ourselves we are all alone. Nobody understands. So try to understand. Don’t get frustrated or make your person frustrated because you just don’t understand. You probably wont understand to be honest. But just try. Another thing that helps/helped me was just being away from the “stimulant” of my issues. For me its food. With the addiction/anxiety that food brings over me… its best sometimes for me to just stay away. Asking me to go meet for dinner is probably not the best option. It can be. I enjoy going to dinner with friends. But id rather go bowling, go for a walk, paint a picture, just something to keep my mind busy. So encourage your person to get out and do things or get involved in something so that they can keep there mind at bay for a little while. My church has helped a great deal with this.

Also see if you can encourage your person to talk to others that are suffering with similar issues. Every time I meet someone going through a similar situation and continually find that I am NOT alone it helps me. I feed off of others success and learn from there past experiences. All the feedback I have been given from this blog has had a massive impact on my healing. I feel so much love and encouragement from everyone. It makes me want to heal not only for me but for all of you. Especially my biggest fan … Erin.

This is my DO NOT DO list. Here what upset me or discouraged me.

1.       DO NOT NAG. Do not harass them if you feel like it is taking to long for them to make changes. It can take a long long time. It has for me. I have been on this journey for healing for months now and I have only gained 5 pounds and the numbers on the scale still scare the crap out of me and It has taken a long time to get over many of my food fears.

2.       DO NOT CALL OUT IN PUBLIC. Not going to mention any names here… but 2 people in particle found it necessary to call me out a lot. “You need to eat a sandwich” “EAT CARBS” “ALL YOU DID WAS EAT TURKEY AND VEGGIES” “YOU BARELY TOUCHED THAT ROLL” “OMG MATT JUST EAT A FREAKING COOKIE”. All those comments really upset me. Specifically while we were sitting at Thanksgiving dinner. Like I said wont mention any names but many times people very close to me what call me out like that in front of others  and it would make me super mad.

3.       DO NOT FORCE ANYTHING. Kinda  going off the previous one… for me when we would go out to eat or something instead of telling me I need to order a cheeseburger instead of a salad made me mad. Encourage a more subtle change. I know my parents didn’t seem very happen when I never went back to counseling after only one visit. It didn’t work. Im sorry. But harping on me to go back is just going to make me mad.

4.       DO NOT TALK TO THEM IF YOU ARE NOT ENGAGED. The worsttttttttttttt thing you can do is encourage them to talk and open up and then be preoccupied. This happened a few times to me. I finally got the courage to talk about something and my audience was clearly not listening and made me feel really discouraged.

5.       DO NOT FIRE BACK YOUR OPINIONS. Even if they say something that may be wrong or you didn’t mean it like they took it… just shut up and keep listening! You don’t know why and you wont understand sometimes why your person might have received something you said or did they way they did. Don’t go on the defensive if it really doesn’t matter. See why they took that way, accept it, apologize even if you don’t really thing you should… and more on to keep the conversation going.

I think the bottom line is to just love and encourage. I know recently I was having a really good day and someone told me… “you look kind of sick again” …. BOOOM. Discouraged. However the conversation continued and in context it actually helped me by the end. They were just looking out for me. And I understand that. So just be patient, persistent, and if you are going to commit to allowing the person to seek your guidance and help… you have to be in the game for the long haul. Don’t give up if it doesn’t happen over night. It wont.

I feel like this post is somewhat confusing. One thing I am trying really hard NOT to do… is go back and extensively edit my posts. I want them to flow out of my heart. The more you go back and edit and change and insert and delete stuff, I feel like it contaminates your true feelings. So I apologize if certain posts go all over the place or don’t make sense.

Also PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ask questions if you have them. Like I said it helps to engage people for me. I want to heal. But more then that I want to help others in healing. So please don’t hesitate to ask questions. Call/text/facebook/email I don’t care. Just ask me! 

Blown Away

I am off work today and am neck deep on painting our upstairs hallway and then have to go to my parents house to take care of the dog later on. So this will just be a quick post.

I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for the love and support that has been shown towards me since last Monday. I am absolutely overwhelmed by the responses I have received. Many of you have told me you have passed along this blog to people who are also suffering with similar issues and I am so thankful. Many of you have also told me that it has helped you admit and dig up some issues that you has suppressed for a long time and have decided maybe now is a good time to work through those. One friend actually told me she was inspired enough to start up her blog again that she stopped writing years ago.  AMAZING. the time IS NOW. dont wait. it will only get worse. trust me. I am here. I am available. Please join me on the journey. Amazing things can and will happen when people stand up and fight things together. I had a conversation with someone last night and we talked about her struggles and how she is dealing with it. I witnessed so much emotion from her, it hurt. I know what you are going through. Take my hand. It is not and will never be easy. But we can all over come things together. 
So please continue to share with family, friends, loved ones, complete strangers, anyone. My story is open for all. I honestly started this thing with the expectation that Erin and maybe my parents and a few friends would read it and think... "wow this kid is crazy". You all have blown my expectations. You have motivated me to continue to write. Like i said from Day 1... I am a quitter. I tend to start things and never finish them. Or never even start. Hopefully this blog can be the catalyst of change in my life. 

Going from here I planned on just sort of keeping this as a "journal" for me to write down whatever is on my mind for the day. However based on responses and encouragement from others I am going to continue to focus on the eating disorders, mental illness, self image and anxiety issues. I think this week I may begin diving into what triggers certain issues and how you (as a friend or loved one) can help those you are concerned about. Also what I have found does and does not work and things you should never say to someone struggling with an eating disorder. 

So again thank you all so much for the love. A bright future lies before us.

"I can see the coming light as the nights will pass and the dawn it clears
Screaming out with all my might for the Morning Star, the Morning Star He nears
I see a new day is coming
I see a new day is near"-wolves at the gate

My Better Half

Today I am going to pause the whole eating disorder discussion. I obviously have many things I am struggling with and many things that on my plate I am actively working through and healing from, but I think it is also important that I highlight and shed some light on the wonderful things in my life.

Today is Valentine’s Day. Personally I think it is a stupid holiday. We should show our love and celebrate those we love everyday. We shouldn’t need a designated holiday to remind ourselves to show some appreciation to those special people in our lives. (I am not saying I do this. I am as guilty as most everyone else at using this day as a day to “step up my game”)

Most everyone who may read this knows my better half… Erin. Erin is one-of-a-kind. She is unique in the way she loves people. She loves everyone. Unconditionally. Literally. Everyone. If there was anyone in the world who would know if Erin truly didn’t care for somebody it would be me. And guess what. She doesn’t. She loves you. Whoever is reading this… she loves you. I promise. Her heart is bigger than the world. I would give anything in the world to have .01% of the love she has for people. I would genuinely argue with anyone who says they have a more loving and caring and passionate wife. I know every guy would say that… but im pretty sure I would win. Erin doesn’t “wear her heart on her sleeve” as the expression goes. She just flat out hands it to you. Every person in the world that has come in contact with her literally holds part of her heart. She loves you. Never met her? Doesn’t matter she loves you. It is amazing to watch. Her smile is contagious. Her patience is unending.  She literally does not know what it means to “not care” about someone. I remember going to her classroom for her Christmas party this year and watching her with her kids. It was beautiful. She found her calling. She isn’t just a teacher to those kids. One of these days im convinced I will get home from work and all of sudden have 24 adopted kids! Selfless. Beautiful. Amazing. I would run out of adjectives before feeling like I could fully describe her.

How in the world did someone like her fall in love with me. I don’t have any idea. And I do not deserve it. I am selfish. She has had to endure all my problems. I have hurt her. Mistreated her. Taken advantage of her unconditional love. Taken things out on her. They always say you hurt worst the ones you love. I have proven that one a billion times. And yet still she stands behind me. She still loves me. Supports me. Picks me up when I fall. Its not fair. I have so much to be thankful for. She tries to bring so much joy into my life and I selfishly and blatantly ignore it while im consumed with other things. It. Is. Not. Fair.

Erin, I am sorry. For everything. Thank you for always being here for me. Thank you for loving me and caring for me. I don’t say that enough. Thank you and I am sorry.

I love you with all my heart. It may not seem or feel like it at times. But I do. I love you. You are the most amazing woman in the world and I am the luckiest man in the world. I know it shouldn’t take something like Valentine’s Day to share these words with you. I am not sure what I would do with you. I am so truly blessed.

As long as I’m living….

Ps. if you happen to have her phone number or are friends with her on facebook or have some means of contacting her…. Send her a little message and remind her of how amazing she is. She would love that. She wasn’t feeling very good this morning. It would definitely cheer her up J

The Perfect Storm

The Perfect Storm.

So today I was going to talk about how you begin to handle and deal with eating disorders. But I am going to put that on hold. I haven’t told the entire story. I think it is important to not only explain the Anorexic side of the coin but also the other issues in the mix that literally created the Perfect Storm inside my head.

1. 1.       Addiction
2. 2.       Anxiety
3. 3.       Perfect Storm

Addiction

                For most of my life I have struggled with addiction. Thank goodness I was terrified and also smart enough to stay away from hard drugs because it could have been all over long ago. But one common addiction that was had been present throughout my life was my addiction to food. Bingeing on food and late night secret fridge/cabinet raids were a common event growing up. I remember as a kid I would get more excited going to my friend’s houses not only to hang out with them… but they had different snacks! Sleepovers were great. My parents never bought real soda but most of my friend’s did. YES! Of course ill come over to hangout today your mom buys Coke and BBQ chips.  At my own house it became super easy as I grew up. Once my parents went upstairs for the night it began. I turned the TV down low so I could hear to make sure they didn’t come down for something…. Slooooooooowly open the fridge or cabinet (or usually both) and go to town. I became a master at silently opening bags/casserole dishes/tin foil covered brownies. I also got clever and would combine small amounts of many ingredients so that it wasn’t so obvious as “who ate all the brownies!” Second Helpings during meals were not an option, they were required. How could you only eat one serving! I usually didn’t stop until I was completely stuffed. Also thank goodness I was a relatively active fat kid growing up otherwise I would have been massive. As I grew up I would stay home from my sisters soccer tournament weekends by myself. This was awesome. I was in total control. I learned to cook. I was in control of the food. I would copy my moms recipes. Except they weren’t for the family… they were for me. Why alter the amounts for just one?!?! I knew id eat it…

For those of you who used to go out to dinner with me knew I would usually grab an order of wings or an appetizer before eating my burger and fries. Chinese buffets became my go to restaurants. 2…3…4… plates. Couldn’t stop. College came around… dining halls… endless buffets…heaven. But enough about food. Alcohol was just as bad. I could not possibly drink alcohol without the sole purpose of blacking out. Stop at a Buzz? What the heck was the point of that! Some nights id stay in and drink alone. It was a nice escape. Once it hit my lips… it was all over. I struggled with addictions to many other things but im going to stop there. You get the point. I have an incredibly addictive personality. It was my escape. I didn’t have to feel like the fat kid for a few hours. I didn’t have to think about how much I didn’t want to be who I was turning out to be. I hated myself. Eating gave me a feeling of euphoria. Alcohol made me forget about things. So id wake up. Stuff my face all day. Drink at night. Repeat.

Anxiety

                OK so we are fast forwarding a bit. See yesterdays blog for a snap shot into a mind infected with Anorexia. Now instead of looking forward to a daily food binge…. I look forward to seeing how much I didn’t have to eat to get by. Food became nothing but necessary fuel for life. I found lower calorie substitutes for everything. Like I said yesterday even the thought of consuming sugar or fat or unnecessary carbs would literally make my stomach hurt without even touching them. My biggest fear became being invited out to a meal with friends. If we were not able to pick the restaurant I would begin to freak out. “HOW IN THE WORLD CAN SOMEONE EAT AT OUTBACK! OUTBACK MAKES YOU FAT. They cook there steaks in butter! They give you free ENDLESS useless empty carb filled bread! How can they live with themselves. They are contributing to the worlds obesity problem. I am not going. I wont support that crap.” The one saving grace to going out to eat is every restaurant at least has some form of a salad. Ahhhhhhhhh I could breathe again. Restaurants became manageable. Eating out with the families was also ok. I didn’t feel as bad/awkward/crazy asking the waitress to customize anything I ordered. Now. Being invited to dinner AT a friend’s house or AT an event where a menu/choice was not available was bad news. I would start freaking out days ahead of time. I would even ask Erin… can you ask what’s for dinner? No. She couldn’t. That’s rude and weird. But I still try. I would start planning for this inevitable date with mystery food ahead of time. Extra hard workouts for that week were a guarantee. Cutting calories leading up to the meal was guaranteed. I had to be ready. The food would undoubtedly be cooked by some unhealthy way. What if there is no side salad? What if they don’t put out a veggie plate or a fruit dish? “NOOOOOOO THEY MADE BURGERS. THERE’S NO WAY THEY USED 97% LEAN BEEF. CHICKEN PARMESEAN?!?!?!?!? WTF! THAT’S BREADED! COOKED IN OIL! THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY EAT PASTA? WHAT A NUTRITIONAL WASTE! THEY USED PREGO SAUCE! ALL THAT SODIUM AND PRESERVATIVES THEY EVEN PUT SUGAR IN THAT SAUCE! WAIT WHAT IS SHE GETTING OUT OF THE FRIDGE NOW…. ITS PROBABLY A TUB OF LARD AT THIS POINT! O WAIT….YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS A SALAD. PROBLEM SOVLED.” Yep. That was a common conversation in my head. With the families life was easier. Id just bring my own meals. Yep I was that guy. No shame in that one. I either brought my own food or made my own meal completely separate from everyone else. Like I said in the beginning I literally developed a fear or phobia for certain things. Sugar terrifies me. I don’t care if it’s plain old white sugar/High Fructose Corn Syrup/Agave nectar/Honey doesn’t even matter… if its added to a food I avoid like the plague. I began studying certain diets. Paleo/Plant-Based/Low-Carb/Atkins/Gluten-Free/Grain-Free and started to believe everything I read. One diet would explain how sugar and carbs are the reason for all health problems in the world… so I cut them out. Some diets talk about how animal products cause every cancer known to man… so I cut them out. Some say potatoes are good, others their bad, Beef is awesome/Beef is a cancer death wish/ Dairy products cause cancer/Wheat will kill you/gluten is the devil/ blah blah blah blah blah! I started to believe everything. I was cutting out so many food because of things I read I was pretty much down to veggies. The only common ground between all diet fads. Even fruit is demonized in some diets. Too much sugar! I have memorized just about every single food’s calorie counts, serving sizes, macronutrient ratios (Protien/carbs/fat %) So now I uncontrollably calculate the nutritional breakdown of every single meal or item I put into my body. Its taxing. Its tiring. I don’t really know how to stop or if its even possible. It sucks.

 The Perfect Storm.

The worst part about this whole situation is BOTH of these issues effected me equally and at the same time. It is an epic battle in my brain on a daily basis between my still strong addiction to food versus my anxiety towards food and the anorexia. So now I face this crazy situation of my addiction reminding me of how wonderful all those foods used to be and that amazing euphoric feeling of stuffing my face with the savoriness… and the reminder of how gross and fat and nasty you felt about 30 min after those massive binges and the same euphoric feeling I get when I beat all those craving to eat everything and how the feeling of being hungry instead of stuffed feels wayyyyyyy better. I get reminded of how much better and healthier I will be tomorrow when I avoid all those foods that everyone else eats. Those nasty people! So what happens… I find myself standing over a desert table or buffet line or even just staring down at a salad with a little person on each shoulder whispering the complete opposite thing in each ear. All the while im mathematically calculating the nutrition of the dishes in front of me. And judging everyone around me as I calculate all the food on their plates. “That dude is about to eat like 1200 calories. That’s a whole DAYS WORTH OF FOOD! TELL HIM NOT TO DO IT! TELLLLLLLL HIM!” “ahhhhhhhhh but those wings like soooooo good. Matt you used to eat 24 wings at B-Dubs on wing night! THEY ARE DELICIOUS! And look!! They are hot wings! NONE SUGAR IN THAT SAUCE! FAIRRRRRRRRR GAME!” “SHUTTTTTTTTTTT UP. You know how much salt they have! Forget the fat and skin and that they are fried…. Salt promotes water retention! You will WEIGH MORE TOMORROW!!!!!!! HAHAHAH GOTCHA! YOU WONT EAT THEM NOW! REMEMBER…YOU’RE A SLAVE TO THE SCALE! YOU WERE 147 TODAY! TOMORROW YOU MIGHT BE 147.5!!!!!!!!!!!! HALF A POUND OF WATER WEIGHT! THAT WOULD SUCK! THINK OF HOW MANY SQUATS YOU HAVE TO DO FOR THAT! HAHAHHAHA I GOT YOU! NONE WINGS FOR YOU!!!!!!!!”

All while trying to pretend I am actively engaged in the present conversation or event. Yah right… definitely have no idea what we are talking about! But everyone else just laughed… HAHA! That was so funny?!? (by the way person who just told the joke… you have 1138 calories on your plate and that desert your about to eat adds another 700 with enough fat grams for an entire week…. You should probably just start driving to the hospital.)

Ahh finally home… time for bed. I am starving! “GO DOWN AND EAT FOOD!” “SHUT UP! GO TO SLEEP”