Beware the Ides of March

I conquered March. or did March Conquer me?

I did it!!!!!!!!!!! 31 days away from the gym. I am really excited to start back up. As I explained a few weeks ago I went ahead and decided to for-go the dream of diving into the world of crossfit. It still pulls me back every time I see a post  or a picture or something related to crossfit. So many times ill be sitting on the couch with Erin and ill be reading something and sure enough some reference or article related to crossfit will pop up and ill let out an “ughhhh”. I still want it really bad. But I decided against it for now. So that’s that. I originally thought this hiatus from the gym was going to be a grueling marathon of negative emotions and honestly thought I wouldn’t make it. The first week sucked big time. As time went on I began to be ok with it. There were some days which were harder then others. I maintained all my eating and meal portions to stay the same as when I was working out so I can honestly say I did not quit working out but also go on a major calorie cut. Physically I will definitely say my body has changed. I definitely have more cushion around the mid-section and my definition around my core has diminished. This has been tough to watch! I have jiggles again where my “lose extra skin” around my lower belly seems to have softened up again. All of this I am surprisingly ok with because I know its all over now and I can totally re-focus and begin what I have decided to call “Phase 3” Fat Matt – Phase 1, Skinny Matt – Phase 2, New Matt – Phase 3.

I have created a few new fitness goals which I am excited to pursue. I do plan on trying to “bulk” a little and put on some lean muscle and possibly/hopefully get the definition back in my core. But at the same time I am not totally concerned about it. Instead of numbers/body weight/body fat goals I have decided I want to just be able to do certain things. I want to be able to do 10 strict pull ups. I want to be able to do a muscle-up, Handstand pushups and I want to be able to snatch my body weight. I AM ALSO GOING TO SEE HOW LONG I CAN GO WITHOUT WEIGHING MYSELF!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH this will be tough. There are scales all over the gyms. But im going to give an honest effort. I think this has been the most beneficial part of taking a month off. I have not weighed myself since Feb 28^th. NO IDEA what I weigh. I am going by clothes fitting and visual results. The other major goal I have for this new Phase… is just to have fun. I don’t want to be tied to the gym anymore. If I want to work out with weights… I will. If I want to run… I will…tennis….other sports….crossfit stuff… whatever. No tie-downs. JUST HAVE FUN!

Mentally this has been kind of a different story. It has created a bit of a identity crisis. For the last five years I have indentified myself as a gym rat and was totally consumed with making sure I went 5-6 days a week and hit my target reps for each workout. I was recognized by everyone when I came in it was comfortable. There was a day where it kind of sank in when I realized… you know what…. No body notices or even cares that I haven’t been at the gym for two weeks…. The gym NEVER defined ME…. I defined MYSELF this way. So all of a sudden I was sitting then and literally questioned… Who am I? If for atleast the entire month of March I can not identify myself as a gym-goer workoutaholic…. Then what the heck am I? Am I going to be Matt the Tennis player? Matt the crossfitter? Matt the runner? Will I try to rejuvenate my Matt the gym rat…. It was crazy. I brought this issue to Erin one day and she stopped me mid sentence and asked me the toughest question ever… “Why cant you just be MATT.” Holy crap. Such a simple question rattled my brain. What do you mean…. JUST MATT. Ive always seen myself as Matt…. The fat kid. Matt…. The weight loss guru…. Matt…. The gym rat…. Matt the…. Fill in the blank. It was like I was given a blank canvas and someone said you can paint WHATEVER you want when ive only even painted paint-by-numbers and has a patern or a guide to follow. I feel like I just veered of course onto this road….never traveled. Its exciting in a weird way. But also terrifying. Almost so scary that I have thought about giving up on “fitness” all together. Que… the QUITTER. I am determined not to do this. Having signed up to play both tennis and softball this spring I know I wont totally quit… but today I am sitting here thinking about going to the gym after work and I am at a total loss as to what I should/will do?!  WHY? I used to be able to walk in the gym and knew exactly where to go, what to do, for how long, and how many times. It’s incredibly bizarre.

But I will figure it out. I keep telling myself… FUN. FUN. FUN. Its all about having FUN this time. If you walk into the gym and weights do look appealing… walk out and find something else to do. FUN. FUN.FUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! 

Social Media

1000 friends to Loneliness

OK so this is something I find I come back to in my mind all the time. So obviously it means something to me… so I am going to write about it. This was spurred on by a video I watched last night (ironically) on Facebook. It was talking about how the accumulation of friends on social media might actually be causing more loneliness in our lives. The theory was basically (this is solely my interpretation so you may feel 100% opposite which is fine!) that human beings really only have the capacity to genuinely know about 150 people. If you look back into history this is actually kind of apparent. Tribes and groups of people tended be focused on smaller groups, typically centered around families. I think humans are wired for this. Look back… all throughout history the trend has always been… as soon as an area gets too crowded, we move away… we find a less populated area to settle… in American history this was the westward expansion. Back in the day in order to have a genuine relationship with someone we had to physically spend time with them. You had to CREATE memories with people. You might only get a couple phone calls a month, or even further back a couple of letter sent out each year so you made sure even through those indirect means that you included as much detail as possible. When families and friends get together from out of town have you ever noticed how much different your time is spent with them versus when you are just hanging with your friends you see everyday? We tend to unplug, put down the Ipads and Iphones and might actually go a few hours without checking facebook. OK sorta got off topic there…

Let me try and bring it back to the original idea.

Social Media.

I really think social media is destroying our society. Not that I am saying it is totally bad. There are some great uses and benefits from it. Like providing means to stay updated with friends and families that live out of town. BUT……………….hold on. This “benefit” might also be a massive detriment. Now that we can follow others lives on facebook or whatever, it allows us to perceive that we are staying up-to-date with there lives without putting any effort into the relationships. Now we can “know” 1000 people without “knowing” any of them. Its sad. I am totally a victim of it too. I cant tell you how many times ive been like … hmm I wonder how Johnny is doing… maybe I should call him… or I can just check his facebook…. O look! He went to the beach yesterday and had a birthday two weeks ago and his family took him to Olive Garden. I know everything about his life… no need to call. SERIOUSLY I do that all the time. I could tell you soo much about soo many people yet I don’t know the first thing about any of there lives. I know all the THINGS. PLACES. STILL SHOTS of there lives… but I don’t know them. I don’t know what they enjoy, there personality, its easy to fake a smile or only post the positive statuses, or the pretty pictures. We can edit, delete, fake, lie with everything we post. We are creating fake lives for everyone to “know” of us. I did it. I faked smiles everyone we took pictures and posted them on facebook. I would write a status or an update and take a few minutes to get the wording JUST RIGHT so people would think all is well! When really the last 2 years have been some of the darkest periods in my life. Go look at my facebook… would you know? NOT A CHANCE! We have the power to edit everything. Hence the concept of us feeling more lonely as a whole. Everyone knows how crappy you feel when you totally lie to someone about how you are doing. You feel empty, guilty, LONELY. Why do some many more people seem to be depressed nowadays. We have fabricated (EDITED) our lives to appear so wonderful to everyone else. When we really step back… we realize… crap… my life is not really like that at all. Or man I wish I really did feel like my status says! Or… dang! Look at all the fun THEY are having!

WHICH……………………………….brings me to the single one thing I despise about social media.

We have created OCD. No not Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Obsessive COMPARISON disorder.

Like I said earlier social media allows us to edit anything we put out there before we hit “post”.

This… like I said … allows us to hand pick the best pictures, best quotes, best anything.

I don’t care what anyone says… we have all seen posts or something from someone and been like MAN! Their lives are so much better or so much more fun than mine. Look how many cruises they took this year, or how in the world can they go to the beach every day! I want their job! We all see everything everyone else is doing and I think it is just a natural reaction by humans to feel like we need to “keep up with the Jones’s” It irritates me. Of course im about to wrap this up and use Facebook as a platform to spread my blog so I feel like I am completely contradicting everything I just said. But seriously social media taking over our lives. Many of us can not do anything without posting something about it. We tend to miss so many moments in life because we have to try to hard to get a picture of it so we can post it on facebook and prove we were there. ENJOY LIFE! Put the stupid phones away and LIVE!

Ok sorry about the rant. Sometimes I get in these phases of life when I just want to unplug from everything and live the simple life. Go to work, come home, spend time with those that I am close too and love, and enjoy all the wonderful pieces of creation that God has blessed us with. I think it is sad that if the internet was to shut down many of us would not have a clu

I am still here! NOT QUITTING!

Well, well, well.

It has been a hot second since I’ve written a blog. I am determined not to quit so I wanted to write one today. That is one of my biggest life focuses right now. NO QUITTING. I am not really going to lie. Life has been a whole lot better as this crazy month begins to come to a close. I have genuinely just been focusing on enjoying life. My therapy has been very successful as well. I do have a wonderful counselor who I am enjoying my time with. We have talked about many interesting things and have brought about some findings that have made living much better. For example last week we ended up possibly discovering that I have a decent case of ADD. It makes total sense. We looked at some documents and studies and stuff and after reading them it became pretty obvious. It has helped to read into ways to handle ADD and steps I can take to continue to be productive and manage my work and life. One thing I found that helped me out this weekend during the crappy cold rainy/snowy Sunday afternoon was work on a puzzle. I bought a 1000 pc puzzle and started it yesterday. Talk about relaxing. I do pretty well when I have something I can mindlessly focus on that I actually enjoy. However doing other mindless activities don’t suit me very well. Watching TV/Movies or playing games on the computer really does nothing for me and I get super bored. But the cool thing about the puzzles, is that I can kill two birds with one stone. Like I said a long time ago I love certain artists. However paintings are stupidly expensive. SO I came up with a tacky solution. I will specifically pick puzzles of my favorite paintings/artists and once I complete them, I plan on framing them. So I get the enjoyment of putting it together, and I get a 20x30 “painting” for 9.99. WIN WIN!

My therapist brought up and interesting point. She said there may be some correlation between ADD and eating disorders. We didn’t go too deep into it however if you think about it… it actually makes perfect sense. ADD makes you not be able to focus very well on certain tasks. Eating Disorders tend to totally occupy your mind and your thoughts. So when you put the two together… you have a situation where you struggle to focus on things to begin with …  and you have something that is trying to occupy every moment of your thoughts.  So each time you get off track or lose focus… you pulled into the thoughts created by the eating disorder. Take that crap storm and add in a little depression… which makes you not really want to do anything at all… and you get a lack of focus…on things you don’t even care about….all while your brain is being pulled towards those thoughts of foods/calories/weight issues… whatever. SUCKS! So I have found I need to find things that I am able to focus on for longer periods of time to help control all those things. So far… puzzles seem to be doing the trick. They are challenging. Take a long time. And I get a reward of a painting I enjoy. So for now… that’s my strategy.  Still trying to figure out something to help keep focused at work.

On another note… I am really stoked for this spring. I joined a USTA men’s tennis league and a co-ed softball league with members of our church. I am looking forward to the tennis because I plan on actually taking that relatively serious. Ironically despite my sincere hatred for baseball… I am super excited about softball. I am doing that solely for fun. I couldn’t care less about the win or lose or if I strike out every single time. Its just all about fun and fellowship. And those people who take it way to serious and get all bent out of shape about REC softball… I will for sure laugh at you. You’ve been warned. ;)

I made a massive decision last week as well. I am for-going my ultimate dream. Crossfit. As of the week before last I had full support from Erin and others on fulfilling my dreams of joining a crossfit gym and going all-in. I made a huge 180 last week the more I thought about it. Actually a sermon at church sparked the change of heart. I started thinking that maybe this was one of those situations where I convinced myself that I wanted it sooooo badly that I convinced myself that this is what I was supposed to do. I pretty much realized that if I was going to do it… I was going to have to do it. Everyday. In order to get my monies worth. I also realized that one of things I don’t want to do is get totally obsessed with it. I know I would. Guaranteed. Plus I am looking forward to this next phase of my “fitness life” to be totally free. What I mean by that is if I was doing crossfit… I would be doing crossfit. Not doing it… I could wake up one day and say “today I am going to the gym” or “today I feel like taking a nice long easy run” or “ I have a tennis match tonight so im going to take it easy today” and just do whatever I want. Also I want to start seeing about training people and almost develop a little side job. In the few people I have helped lose weight, or work out with… I(they) have had huge success. So not being chained to a crossfit gym will allow me the potential to maybe start a little something.

All and All its been a really positive couple of weeks. Not everyday is always peachy… but overall its good. Erin and I took a ride to the beach this weekend and we hit up all the surf shops I used to hang around in high school with George and other friends. Brought back some really good memories and vibes. SO like I said… things are looking good atleast right now. Which is all I can do is focus on right now.

Thanks to everyone who has supported me and encouraged me through the last few months! I love you all. Mostly Erin though. :) shes pretty much the greatest person ever!

Cold. Rainy. Monday.

Cold. Rainy. Monday.

YES. Today sucks. On all accounts. But you know what? We are all alive. So its really not that bad of a day!

I had a pretty good weekend. Erin was still getting over her sinus infection so on Friday night I stopped in to a birthday party for a good friend on our behalf. It was great to see so many people from our old church. Reminded me how much I love those people. Changing churches is really hard when you love so many people but you have to go when the Lord calls.

Also on Friday like I posted on Facebook… I made the first step to conquering a major dream of mine. Really excited. And even more excited that Erin is on board.

And finally on Friday I had my second Therapy session. It was great. I really like this lady’s  style. She lets me talk. Lets the conversation flow to where ever it needs to or ends up. She asked me some tough questions that prompted some major thinking. Also it made me feel really good that she did follow through and read the majority of my blog. I was hoping she would however I realize she has many other patients and a life outside of counseling so I would understand if she hadn’t. But it made me feel valued and that she cares. She almost made me cry at one point. Don’t worry. I held it in like a tough guy :) (some things im going to leave out details to protect myself) but she gave me a recommendation that about 6 other of my closest family and friends have told me so it was kind of like a massive confirmation. So I have set a goal in my head and now just need to work hard and pray.  

Saturday was kind of quiet. We went to the SPCA because Erin wants a dog. Not going to happen. But she really wants one haha. We had a great visit with my parents. The weather was gorgeous so we just sat outside and shot the breeze for a while. We also had a fantastic dinner with our good friends Kelly and Ryan. One of those couples that we have no idea why we don’t see them more than we do considering they live walking distance from our house! Must do better.

Sunday church was wonderful as always. Our small group bible study is awesome. I always leave church in such a good mood. The way it should be! I got some much needed painting done around the house. Other then that the weekend was kinda relaxing. Not a whole lot went on. But it was a nice weekend.

Sorry this post isn’t all too exciting. To be totally honest I am having a super crappy depressing day so I figured I would write about all the good things that happened this weekend to help cheer me up.

I am Matt Simeone: The Winner.

I am Matt Simeone: The Winner.

Hopefully the first part of the statement above is no surprise to anyone, however the second part might seem far too optimistic to be true!

But it’s true. I am Matt Simeone and I am a winner. This blog is probably going to seem like a puff myself up… sort of a brag-fest and I will apologize if it comes across as arrogant. But sometimes I think people need to seem themselves as winners. You need to sometimes boast in your successes. Building up your self-confidence, and self-worth, and self-esteem is very important. Yesterday’s post got me thinking a lot. WHY DO I SEE MYSELF AS A LOSER! I AM A WINNER! In my own ways of course.

Confession times…

I will never win a CAA Title like my sister did, or be amongst VA’s talented soccer players. She did. She won that fight. She is a winner. Her Success.

I will never leave home, Join the Navy, Leave the Navy, Work, go to school, and build a family in my late 20’s all at the same time. My Dad did. He won. His success.

I will may never decide mid-career to go back to school while working full-time, raising two teenage kids, to pursue a career advancement. My Mom did. Her success.

I will definitely never be selected to partake in an incredibly competitive major (dental hygiene) get accepted, crush the program, work for a year, hate it, completely change career paths, get through my Master’s with Straight A’s, and get a job right away. Erin did. Her Success.

I will never create Microsoft in my garage and become the richest man on earth. Bill Gates did. His success.

No. None of those will ever come true for me. And you know what. I am 100% ok with that. If I strived to match all those successes, I would be a super rich-teacher-assistant principle-chemical engineer-living in Utah with a Title Ring on my finger named Matt ERINPEGPETEMEGBILL Simeone.

That’s not me. I am Matt Simeone. I took a lost, obese, depressed, kid and made a complete 180 with his life. I lost over 130 pounds. Not a whole of people can say that. MY SUCCESS.

I have inspired families and friends to radically change their lifestyles and dramatically improve their quality of life and help them reach their goals. MY SUCCESS.

I for a second time hit rock bottom, acknowledged I had a problem and am actively working towards fixing my life. MY SUCCESS.

I would never say this about myself but I’ve been told this by enough people but apparently I am an inspiration. I AM AN INSPIRATION. I AM AN INSPIRATION. I need to keep repeating this to myself because I still don’t believe it.

I want to take this inspiration and create something amazing with it. I think there is no doubt that I am passionate and really good at helping others get healthy. I need to stop looking at the successes of others listed above and judge myself by those standards! How can I measure my impact on improving people’s lives, if I am comparing it to winning a CAA title?!?!

I think a huge problem I have created in my head is that I am been viewing my passion with health and nutrition and fitness as a bad thing since I did in fact develop an eating disorder. This is a temporary problem though. I am and will beat this and be back and probably better than ever. I am so ready to impact people’s lives. I can’t let this  blip destroy my hopes and dreams. That’s not fair to me and to my success.

My mom has changed the world through hundreds of kids lives.

My sister has changed the world through inspiring other to let it all go and take massive leaps of faith

My dad has changed the world by raising two fantastic capable kids and has inspired me to be the best Dad I ever can be.

Erin has changed the world by showing people just because one situation doesn’t work… seek God and a million more will come. Now she is blessed with an opportunity to change all these kids to come, lives.

So now its my turn. I can change the world. Not sure if its through fitness and nutrition, or its through my job at VDOT. But I will change the world. I will win. I can do anything I set me mind too. You don’t lose 130lbs over night. It is not easy. It was not given to me. It took a ridiculous amount of work, time, dedication and strength. And I did it. My Success. I WON.

I am a winner.

I am Matt Simeone.

The Science of Selling myself Short

The Science of Selling myself Short

Went and visited with my Dad yesterday afternoon. Erin had plans to go to the gym with some friends so to ensure I didn’t drive myself nuts at home Jones’n for a workout I decided to go hang with Pops. Had a nice visit and I pitched some ideas I had and he proceeded with the inevitable yet welcome pep-talk that I needed. He’s good at those. To summarize the conversation he proved once again that I always come up with these big ideas and never ever follow through with anything. Case in point… 2 weeks ago I was all stoked on starting to play tennis and join a USTA team. Haven’t done it. I told myself I was going to finally finish up my painting that has been half done for the last year. Haven’t done it. This all came from the part of the conversation that we were having about what kind of stuff I can do outside of my day job to fulfill my dreams of all the things I am passionate about. Such as… Ever since I lost my weight I have had this huge burning desire to take my success and knowledge and put it good use and become some type of trainer, coach, or like health/nutrition advisor to people. A “Fitness Consultant” if you will. Every time the thought gets stirred up I come up with 5000 reasons why I shouldn’t do it or reasons I can’t do it. Basically I am terrified to commit to anything. I think I fear the possibility of failing. I fear the commitment and time things take to materialize. Rome wasn’t built in a day. But in our instantly-gratified world…I think I expect things to just happen exactly how and when I want them too. This is a huge major flaw that has plagued my life for so long. I have lately been doing some digging around in my head wondering why? I think the biggest thing that holds me back is the thought of failing like I said before. I am fortunately (and also unfortunately) surrounded by people in my life that have succeeded in exactly what they set out to do. Erin went through everything it took to be a dental hygienist… hated it…prayed…found her calling… worked her butt off to switch careers and now is the happiest person in the world being an elementary school teacher. My mom was a teacher, went back to school to be an assistant principle, and never looked back. My dad joined the navy at 18 to get out of his small town dead-end life to pursue a future for his family. Served his 6 years, went to school, worked, had me, and provided an amazing living for us all. My sister was one of the most successful soccer players in our area, played in college, won a CAA title, got a degree she wanted, fell in love with Utah, and one day took the biggest leap of faith and moved out to Park City to chase her dreams and loves every minute of it. So the 4 closest people in my life have all at certain points given everything up to pursue a better life, or a deeper passion and have all been incredibly successful. Then I look back at myself… and see how in just about every “big-decision” moment of my life I have done what others have wanted me to do (or so I thought) or taken the easy road. I tend to only pursue things where maybe I know someone who can help me out, or follow a group of friends (Radford), or just simply take the road WELL traveled. Followed the status-quo I guess. I have never once just said F*** it and jumped head first into something. I really do think it’s because I am terrified of being the “one that tried and failed” I know I talk about it a lot but I really do feel a major calling to something fitness related. Not only have I lost 130lbs. Helped Erin lose 90. Helped spark a healthy lifestyle in both of our families, but I have also helped a friend of mine get in really good shape. I think at one point he told me he gained 5lbs of muscle but lost 4 inches on his waste through working out with me. He dreamed of running a half-marathon and so I helped him get on a plan and a routine and he has stuck with it and his race is this Saturday. Not that I am claiming that from him… hes the one who has sacrificed and kept up with the training, but I feel like I was part of the spark and the start that got him rolling. I have helped a lady at my work lose 17lbs in the last 2 weeks and have helped her totally re-invent her diet from daily stops at Hardee’s and buying honey buns from the snack machines to a whole-foods healthy diet and all she does it tell me how much better she feels! I have all the tools and the EXPERIENCE that a lot/most physical trainers or nutrionalists cant say they have. They may have the book knowledge and could crush me on an anatomy exam… but I actually DID it. Sometimes experience is far more valuable then reciting facts. I have also enjoyed the most amazing highs, and the darkest deepest lows that some experience in a weight loss journey. So why don’t I pursue something???? Because I could right now list out a bunch of reasons I could say its too hard. School and courses and certifications or are too expensive, I would have to read, and study and work hard and take exams, and once (if) I finished all that…. I would have to join the world of all the other bagillion trainers out there completing for clients. I would have to figure out where I would conduct my work from. You can’t always just say you will meet at Mt. Trashmore for a workout. Where would I conduct business? How would I charge people? Would I charge people? Where and how would I find people to work with…. All these thoughts combine together in my brain and conclude…. Ahh its not worth it. Way too hard. Screw it. I don’t want to get to be 55yrs old and have all these things I WISHED I would have done. Ben Franklin tried to make a light bulb 2000 times before he got it. I think I would try something for .2000 times before I would give up. I hate it. I don’t want to be like this. It’s pathetic. I refuse to continue to be Matt Simeone the quitter. I want to be Matt Simeone the winner. Another thing that holds me back big time is that I tend to quit or give up if I am not the absolute best at something. I hate to lose. Case in point… Crossfit. I am probably the most obsessed Crossfit enthusiast who has never done Crossfit. Why? It’s Expensive. It’s hard. I will probably not ever be as good as Rich Froning. Confession: I am terrified to paint anything that is not a Paint-By-Number. Why? Because I know I will probably never be able to paint like Thomas Kinkade. So why even bother? I would probably make a fool of myself and it would end up looking more like a Picasso. Why do I set myself to the standards of other people. Why can I not just accept the fact that some people have unique gifts and freakish abilities in some things. Why can’t I be satisfied with what Matt Simeone can do. Maybe its all connected. Maybe its because I feel like my bests or the things I succeed in get trumped by CAA titles, 4.0’s thoughout Master’s programs, My dad’s career successes. MUST STOP JUDGING MYSELF BASED ON OTHER PEOPLE!

So to sum it all up I have perfected the science of selling myself short. Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mark Zuckerberg, Richard Branson, Michael Jordan, Rich Froning, Thomas Kinkade, and Ben Franklin. They all have one thing in common. They set a goal. Worked as hard as possible and did everything they could, gave everything they had, sacrifice everything including pride, and did not take failure or the idea of failing as an option. I must learn from this. I must stop making excuses. Stop worrying. Take a plunge. Go all in. As Mike McDermott (Matt Damon) said in one of my favorite movies ever… “you cant lose what you don’t put in the middle, but you can’t win much either” – Rounders.

Whoa. Not where I thought this blog was going to go. Looks like I made up for not writing yesterday. So anyway… anyone wanna be my first true fitness client??? J

Roller Coaster!

Roller Coaster!

So as we all know yesterday I had a pretty good day. Of course there was a blip of time when I thought I spoke too soon. For some odd reason I got in a rather down and depressed mood yesterday afternoon. I stopped by my father-in-laws golf course and hit a bucket a balls to enjoy the weather. I was really excited about it all day. So I did it. I tend to get these sweet ideas and then never follow through with them so I was proud of myself for actually going and doing something instead of just going home. But for some odd reason I got there and just felt like crap. I didn’t even hit that bad considering I pretty much never play golf. I do remember that I started to feel slightly nauseous and I have no idea why. I just had this overwhelming crappy feeling which really sucked because I was looking forward to the driving range. Anyway…. Erin came straight home since she is still pretty sick. I picked up dinner at Burrito Perdido over off Cedar Rd. Cool little place. Anyway as the night went on I began to feel better. Erin and I had shared some good conversations. We talked a lot about my next phase in this fitness journey. I am seriously considering trying Crossfit. Yes. I know its expensive. Yes. I know it is intense. But it is something I have been wanting to do for over a year and I feel like I am almost ready to try it. This is another one of those things that I have always talked about, always wanted to try, and always never followed through. Remember I am a dreamer… then a quitter. I never follow through with my dreams or things I want. I always find some reason to convince myself that I shouldn’t or cant do something and hold myself back. So we talked about that for while and she told me she fully supports me and anything I want to do as long as my eating changes and everything else continues to improve. She really is wonderful. Anyway so yah I have no idea why the one thing I was planning on doing yesterday for fun… ended up being a bust and put me in a bad mood?! Was it because I was by myself? Was it just because the out-of-nowhere nausea feelings? It was just bizarre because I started feeling better as soon as I got home. One more random note and then its time for the Thomas Jefferson Hour on NPR… my favorite radio hour of the week! … but today during the first part of lunch I sat outside in our courtyard and just sketched a picture of our gazebo. Drawing puts me in a good mood I decided. Especially while sitting outside when its sunny and 77!!!

SO to wrap this up today… I wanted to touch on one more thing. I went back and reviewed the previous blogs. I am kind of struggling right now with finding anything “eating disorder” related to write about. Probably part of this is due to the fact that these last days have been really good. I almost am hesitant to bring it back up and explore more things while I am going through this positive time. So as things pop into my brain I will continue to explore and write about them but for now I am going to be focusing on the positive things in life and try and keep the momentum going! So if you find any of this boring and not what it used to be then I apologize. I plan to keep writing though. I am sure there will be many more ups and downs to explore…

Winds of Change?

Winds of Change?          

So I have no idea what is going on. But Today has been a fantastic day. I don’t know why. Its almost strange. This weekend was actually really good as well. Erin is really sick but despite that it was actually a pretty enjoyable weekend. She was able to do things during the days for the most part and we kinda took it easy for the evenings/nights. Friday we stayed in. I actually painted. I have not painted (a picture not the house) in months. It was very nice. Saturday we did not do a whole lot. Ran some errands… (i actually went and bought a skinny dip ice cream!!!!! This is huge for me…) but we did have a wonderful dinner and coffee date with 2 of our very good friends Kim and Kyle. They just got back from Lesotho on a missions trip and are getting married soon so we had lots to talk about. Not to mention I seriously had the best coffee I have ever had in my entire life. Sunday we had a good lunch with Erin’s mom, grandma, and sister and church was awesome as always. Definitely helped that the weather was great. Seriously though… I am doing everything I can to actually be pessimistic and  manage my expectations and thoughts however I feel like something is beginning to change. Like each day this weekend my overall mood and mindset has continually become more and more positive. Like I said I am trying to keep telling myself this is not over you may just be having a good stretch of days… but man I feel good. I don’t know if maybe I just got a good night sleep last night? Maybe it’s the turn of the weather? Maybe I genuinely am just starting to get better? I have no idea. But I like this feeling. I have kept up my part of the deal and this is day 10 of my gym-less streak. I definitely miss it. But at the same time this has been a really nice break. I am actually looking forward to going back and getting on a schedule and routine and start going after my new goals. Erin and I watched the 2013 re-run of the Crossfit Games yesterday afternoon. Even she was into it! I told her just wait… by Christmas I will look like Rich Froning. ;) I feel like this blog is about my bragging but I really don’t care because I want to enjoy this time of positivity. I noticed I laughed a lot this weekend. I joked around a lot more. I went to Panera and did not freak out thinking about what I was eating. Shoot like I said I freaking bought an ice cream this weekend. On a non-work out day! UNHEARD OF. I haven’t weighed myself for 10 days. And of course I think man what the heck is the scale going to say… but at the same time… my clothes fit the same. I still look the same in the mirror. I feel the same. I am not eating a billion calories extra so I think this 10 day test so far has given my brain a huge dose of re-assurance that MATT YOU WILL NOT GET FAT IF YOU MISS A FREAKING WORKOUT OR EAT AN ICE CREAM ONCE A WEEK! CHILL OUTTTTTTTTT A LITTLE. Like I said I am actually really excited to get back to the gym because I am excited to start eating more food. SO many foods I have removed completely from my diet out of all those old fears… I am going to start bringing them back. I have been using this time reading countless articles and plans and guides on body building or just muscle building in general and so many of the foods I removed are essential to working out. So all of this to say… it was and still is a really good last few days. I am trying to enjoy them as they are here because who knows what could happen tomorrow. Thanks to everyone out there who has read this blog so far and encouraged me, loved me, supported me. I am trying really hard not to jump the gun. But I feel bits of Matt coming back :)

Keep me O Lord, from the hands of the wicked; preserve me from the violent man, who have purposed to overthrow my goings. Psalm 140:4

Second times a charm: Therapy

Second times a charm: Therapy

Just a quick update this afternoon. I wasn’t sure where I was going to take today’s blog. I had some ideas. But I need to process some thoughts before I felt ready to write about them. So anyway yesterday after work I had my first….second Therapy session.  The first time I tried it back in November it was not good. I don’t really feel like I was ready to talk then. I had just admitted all this to my families and I guess myself for that matter. So it was just too early in the process to jump right in. The other thing I didn’t really like about the last one was he seemed very ready to get me on a medication. I am not a big fan of medication. Yes I will pop an advil if I have a headache bad enough. But I try to avoid them. So meeting with this guy for 1 hour and him immediately coming to the conclusion that I need Zoloft seemed a bit rushed to me. This lady is not a doctor so she cant directly prescribe anything which I like. I am sure she will be able to recommend medications to my PCP or something but we didn’t get into all that. This time around I just felt 100000x more comfortable. The last guy’s office was super busy and papers and books allllllllllllllll over the place and it guess I just never felt good in there. This lady’s office was smaller, one entire wall of her office was a full height/width window looking out at a pond, which brought in a comfortable amount of natural light given the overcast day. She didn’t have any other lights on in the office other then a weird “orb” shaped light that slowly changed colors. Probably some crazy mood light thing but I found myself always looking at it. Specifically during the purples and greens. Not sure why. The office also had an incredibly strong scent plug in or something. It reminded me of Sea Breeze or Ocean Walk from yankee candle. It was also very neat. She didn’t have a traditional desk. So I think it helped that it didn’t feel like an office. Just big couches, a couple chairs and bookshelfs and her Macbook Air that she used to work with. She is very soft spoken and calming. Like she matched the feel of her office perfectly. Calming, neat, clean, safe I guess. I was really nervous about working with a woman I wont lie. I felt like it was going to be straight up Soprano style.  She actually grew up in Little Neck and went to FC. So we shared a nice common ground right off the bat. So anyway it started out good. She asked me how I wanted to start the process and basically said we could just dive right in and I could just start talking… or she could begin by asking questions and hopefully prompting a discussion from them. We did the ladder. It was nice. Because I had no idea where to start if I had too. Some questions I answered a simple yes or no but others sparked lengthy discussions. It was pretty much an overview of the general issues I am facing but I am hoping/excited to begin to more specifically dig into each one. She even agreed to try her best to read this blog. I told her I totally understand she probably has a ton of other patients and a life outside of work and a family and stuff… but I think the only way a therapist would really be able to help is if they read it. It is an incredibly detailed outline of my life and struggles. It is so hard to remember everything once a week for an hour so I think this would be incredibly helpful. I guess you could say it could give her a massive head start on decoding my past and present.

Anyway… just a quick update today.

Also I would like to put out a major prayer request for those prayer warriors out there… My mom’s Mom is in the hospital after being rushed there last night for some heart problems I think. My mom got a phone call yesterday around 4pm and by 8pm she was in the air flying to up Mass. So be praying that it is nothing serious and for healing. And for the family to receive peace through all this.

And also Pray for Erin. She has been slowly developing a cold or sinus infection this week so pray for speedy recovery!

Live life to the fullest

Perspective

Today I am giving therapy a second shot. I am looking forward to it. Now that I alteast have some sort of idea on what to expect I am a little more comfortable this time around. I still has a bit of an anxiety attack if you will last night around dinner time. I still ate it. And ate dessert. But it is tough. I have to really force myself to eat them and force myself to remember… you ENJOY this food! It tastes good. Its still healthy. Your not sitting down at dinner all of a sudden this month bingeing on pounds of chicken wings and Chinese food, and ribs and cheese fries. You will be fine. It helps when I am busy. The more time I have where I don’t have anything to do after work or nothing planned the harder I have to work to not think about food and calories and not going to the gym this month and gaining weight. So… CALL US TO HANG OUT J

Anyway… all that has sparked some thought. Hearing some stories about a mission’s trip to Lesotho that 2 of my good friends just got back from made me really consider some stuff. I do not have problems. Well… sorta. I do have some mental issues I need to work through. But they are fixable. Some of these people in Lesotho… they have problems. They aren’t always sure if/when/from where there next meal is going to come from. They don’t know what they might encounter on there 4 mile daily journey to get WATER. Hungry Lion? Poisonous Snake? Tribal Enemy? All to get WATER TO SURVIVE. How dare we sit around and complain. The other day I was upset because my Ipad was dead and I wanted to read something and my phones screen was just too small. WTF. Are you kidding me. There have been times when I was working on my something on my Macbook, listening to music on my Ipad, and texting friends on my Iphone. And yet I still find things to complain and whine about. I still get down on myself for stupid insignificant things. In some ways I envy those people. They have an incredibly hard and miserable life at time but also so remarkably simple. They have nothing. Yet they praise God and worship him 10x harder then I do when im sitting in my air conditioned church drinking my free coffee. I have a wonderful life. I am blessed beyond measure. Yet I take advantage of it all. i/we have come to expect these luxuries. I have so much to be thankful for. I find myself sitting around all grumpy and upset about not being able to work out or mad because I cant eat what and when I want to and yet I fail to look around and see all the amazing things in life. Last night I just stood on my front porch and watched the sunset. Such an amazing and simple act that brought so much more joy in those 3 minutes then any facebook game or tv show. This morning on my walk the sunlight is starting to show a little towards the last 5 minutes or so. The colors, the way they illuminate the clouds, God’s paintbrush is remarkable. I think we all need to stop. Take some time. Reflect and acknowledge all the simple things in life. The stuff we don’t have control over. The stuff that literally like clockwork… happens everyday and we ignore it. I don’t care what kind of day you are having if you actually stop and watch the sunset go through each one of its “stages” it will make you feel better. You know all the yellows, then orange, then pinks, then reds, sometimes purples…. Its amazing. No wonder some of these tribal people or remote poor villages have the strength to worship God the way they do. They pay attention to these spectacular things that God creates. They don’t get bogged down in the spoils of life that we have. When you go to bed does that TV show really bring you joy? Or did sitting on the beach or a mountain with some friends just doing nothing but taking creation all in, did that bring you Joy? I bet you remember that longer.

My mission and goal for this next phase of my life as I continue to heal is to enjoy all things. The little things. Live life to the fullest. WHO CARES what time dinner is or if I did 10 or 100 squats at the gym. They are insignificant. I want to love all things. I want to SHOW love to all things and all people. Especially my beautiful amazing wife who I have put on a back burner to all other things for so long. God created an amazing world and gave us life. Time to experience it. 

I'll Praise You in this storm...

"I want to live simply. I want to sit by the window when it rains and read books i’ll never be tested on. I want to paint because I want to, not because i’ve got something to prove. I want to listen to my body, fall asleep when the moon is high and wake up slowly, with no place to rush off to. I want not to be governed by money or clocks or any of the artificial restraints that humanity imposes on itself. I just want to be...boundless and infinite." ~unknown~

I'll Praise You in this storm...

This poem touched my heart big time. It is exactly how I feel every single morning when I wake up. I start the day so optimistically. I take my morning walk and plan out the day to come. Each morning I try so hard to start with a clean slate. Inevitably as the day goes on the games begin. I try so hard to suppress the thoughts and emotions that control my mind. Each day is getting a little bit better. More like a tiny bit. But better is better. This week has been really tough I am not going to lie. On one hand I have had a great week putting forth a plan and so far sticking to it. However this plan is causing a lot of anxiety. Taking my sabbatical from the gym has been crazy. I knew it would be hard. I know it will continue to be hard. Yesterday I had an anxiety (panic?) attack while sitting in my office towards the end of the afternoon. I started questioning everything. Every single calorie I consumed throughout the day yesterday I counted, double counted, triple counted and starting trying to figure out if each calorie was justified. I haven’t really changed or significantly increased my calories for this month since I am not doing much in the way of working out. I think as the month goes on and I seek therapy these feelings and withdrawal symptoms will hopefully begin to subside but right now it is killing me. For the last 5 years every calorie that I have consumed has been balanced out by a work-out. Changing my mindset away from weight-loss is hard. I have been trying to force things on myself though as small personal tests. Like last night I had pancakes for dinner since it was apparently “Pancake Day”. Granted I made them super high in protein and relatively low-carb I still added flour in the batter and ate the whole plate. I haven’t weighed myself in like 5 days. The thought of what the number on the scale might show is scaring the crap out of me… but im sticking to my plan and not weighing myself. My clothes fit the same. That’s all that matters right now.

I feel like I will break this. I am really keeping an open mind to counseling this time. I know I need it. I have abandoned the idea of doing this on my own. There is no reason not to ask for help when something is beyond your control. And as I have finally began to convince myself… this is out of my control.

God, I wanted to take a moment to openly pray. You are all powerful. You created the heavens and the earth. Your strength is unfathomable. Why do I doubt that I won’t overcome this. I question everyday why this has happened to me. I apologize. I have not relied on you like I should. I have tried to control this. I have tried to control my life. Even when I thought I gave it all to You I think I always still kept a finger on it afraid to let it all go. I thought I was stronger then You. I thought I didn’t need to surrender EVERYTHING to You. You have given me everything I could dream of. You provided a wonderful family, a fantastic wife, friends who love and encourage me and stand with me through this. Why did I think I could do this without You. I am ready to surrender this to You. God when these demons invade my thoughts I will place both eyes on You. You’ve rescued me from the depths so many times before. I pray for peace, I pray for strength, I pray for guidance. I pray that once this storm passes, Your glory will shine through. I love You. Amen. 

Brick by Brick

Brick by Brick

So yesterday was a good day. Almost got derailed by some comments and feedback I received however I pushed through it and don’t think it did much damage. I am just going to forewarn everyone that this month is going to be gnarly. I am thinking it is going to be super hard, super emotional but hopefully super successful. Erin and I had many conversations last night about a whole bunch of things. Here is what we laid out.

I am going to go get another round of lab work taken on Friday just to check to make sure my liver is functioning properly. Many of you have commented on my yellowish tint to my skin so we are just going to check it one last time to make sure everything is fine. I have done this about 5 times and everything came back clear so I am not too worried about it. Just want to be sure. We did some extensive research last night on yellowing of the skin… and discovered something called Carotenesis. Basically its when you consume tons of beta-carotene in your diet and is actually very common in both vegetarians and anorexia sufferers because we tend to consume the majority of our calories from veggies because they are filling and low in calories. 5 highest containing foods of beta-carotene are Carrots, Sweet Potatoes, Spinach, Kale, Broccolli… etc. I eat most of those every single day. SO is that the sole cause of me looking like a banana? Not sure but if its not a liver issue, it could very well be the cause.

I have decided to listen to every bodies advice and go get counseling. I have been making some progress. Being such an independent person I feel like asking for help equates to failing. I hate asking for help. I always felt like I could manage/do most things on my own. And as much as I am determined to beat this on my own (similar to my weight loss which I did all on my own) I realize that this may be too strong for me. So I will seek professional help. I have already contacted a doctor and am trying to get this ball rolling quickly. I think deep down I know I cant do this on my own. Like I said I have made some progress, however I have had many backward stumbles. Hopefully this will help. My last stint with therapy really sucked. But I am going in with an open mind and the desire to get better.

Now. The biggest thing that came out of yesterday is this… Its almost hard for me to type out. Its been about 18 hours and it is already causing a ton of anxiety… I know that because this morning as I did my work, I chewed through an entire pack of gum by 11am. But I am determined to follow through with this for both my mental and probably more importantly my physical health…

I am not going to the gym for the entire month of March. Yep. You read that right. Since 2009 I have been going to the gym for pretty much atleast 5 days a week and I am finally going to take a month off. My body probably needs about a years worth of rest to fully re-build but we are going to start with 1 month. I am still allowed to take my morning walks and anything other then the gym (playing tennis, going for a bike ride, other forms of exercise are acceptable) just no going to the gym. I also need a mental break. I have been getting so bored with working out I do it out of necessity. I am actually looking forward to April  and having a fresh start to something. I am going to take this month like I said to heal, and also re-focus on my fitness goals going forward. Will I start training for a race? Maybe start road biking? Or just maybe try to follow a muscle building plan? I have no idea. Its exciting to think of actually training for a purpose. Not because I feel like I have to simply burn the calories.

So yah. This is going to be super hard. Super testing. But I am hoping to take the month to focus on other things. I want to finish some painting… both recreational painting, and a couple rooms left in our house. I have some books I want to read. I want to get back into playing competitive tennis. So I am going to hopefully do some fun stuff. Also staying away from the Gym will also keep me as far away from a scale that I could possibly be. I am going to TRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY to not weigh myself for this month. Just going to make sure my clothes still fit by the end. Not that I really anticipate blowing up and getting fat in the next 26 days…. But still it does worry me I wont lie and is probably the one thing that is going to mess with my head the most.

So as the title suggests I am going to take this brick by brick and really swallow my pride and start to use professionals. Brick One – Health check-up. Brick Two- Therapy. Brick Three- Avoid the gym for a while.

Support will def be needed for this period of time.

Thanks to everyone who has been sending there love and support already and get ready for a ride. 

Identity

Identity

Wow. What a weekend. Emotionally. Physically. Exhausting.

We will start on the Physical aspect and work into the Emtional.

This weekend starting on Friday… I decided I was going put myself through a massive massive mental test. I took Friday, Saturday and Sunday off from the gym/working out. Erin and I did take a walk on Sunday since it was so gorgeous outside. I am not going to lie it has been very difficult. I have been fighting it in my head big time. Every so often I wonder how much weight did I gain this weekend. I bet I wont be able to lift as much, or I am going to be so out of shape when I get back, I must have lost so much ground…etc…etc. Really really tough. The strange side effect of this hiatus has been how incredibly sore and painful my legs feel right now. I wonder if I have been working out for so long, so consistently, so intense that my body (legs specifically since I pretty much do squats in some form at every workout) doesn’t know what to do with a rest period. I cant figure out if they are in pain because they are vigorously trying to rebuild the muscles that I break down everyday or is it something else? Not sure. But they are tight and sore. I have also challenged myself this weekend to eat more “normally?” if that’s the right word. I care deeply about nutrition. So by  eating “normal” foods by societal standards can be difficult for me. For instance, we went to Mexican on Friday night before going to the Admirals game. Mexican food and I don’t get along. On Saturday, Erin and I went to Panera for dinner and I got a full sandwich and actually ate all the bread. Sunday we went to my parents for lunch and grilled personal pizzas for all of us. Yes, I actually ate pizza dough. CARBS! 3 days in a row I ate, for my standards, a massive amount of carbs. So between an exercise hiatus and a heavy carb weekend, I have been very anxious and concerned about my weight and my physical health. I made it through. I feel ok, besides the muscles soreness, but I will say it did effect my sleeping. I think it was the anxiety of feeling out of control, despite putting myself through this test. I am not going to lie but I cant wait to get back into the gym for a good work out. Partly, yes I feel like I need it, but partly because I do genuinely enjoy it. So like I said physically its been tough but self inflicted.

Emotionally this has been a crazy weekend. I had a really good lunch/coffee date with my Dad and we had a very open, honest and frank conversation. We dug into some stuff from the past, talked about the future, and just had a good conversation. It was a nice pep-talk. Needed. Heres what it successfully opened up in my mind.

My Identity. Right now my identity is a number on a scale, a size of clothes and the number and weight of my power clean and squat. Why? Except for the fact that I have told everyone my weight, and my clothing size does anyone care? Please tell me. Do you care? Have you ever one time thought if you had to describe me- you would say “oh yah, that’s Matt Simeone… 150lbs, size small t-shirt, 29x30 fitted jeans, and just completed the crossfit “filthy 50” workout in 40 minutes”…? I hope not. If you have… we need to talk because that is weird. But seriously. If not a sole on this planet sees that as my identity then why do i? why does the scale or Old Navy dictate who I am? I want people to say “Ya… that’s Matt Simeone… he’s a loving husband, God-fearing man, outdoor enthusiast, who enjoys painting, being physically active, and loves experimenting in the kitchen with foods and unique things” Why WHY WHY WHY can I not think of myself like that. For some reason I (granted some of it is personal ambition and something ive always wanted to have) feel like if I do not have a 6-pack and a shredded physique after all these years of working out and weight loss, then I have failed. I feel like people will judge me on that. Why do I think people would or even should notice? I feel like if I was to go to the beach, take my shirt off, and not look like superman then people will sit there and say… HAHAHA all that hard work… cant even see his abs…. FAILURE!

That’s not me. I am not my abs. I am not 22” biceps. I am not Mr. Diesel Legs. I am Matt Simeone. Unfortuantely this has translated lately into… Matt Simeone: obsessive compulsive, horrible disengaged husband, neglecting Son(in-law), Selfish, judging, self-consumed who can sometimes fake a smile and pretend ive got it together. But I don’t. And that’s not me. Well it is… but not what I want. I don’t want to be like this. I hate the scale. I hate looking at clothing tabs for identity. I have the most amazing wife and great family(ies) that I totally take advantage of. This sucks. I want to climb to the top of mountain and scream as loud as I can and just tell the world “SCREW YOU”(maybe some different words if nobody is listening) you will not define me. Yes I like working out but why do I feel like I have to prove something or impress someone each time im in there? Who am I even trying to impress? I have no idea. Why cant I just work out for me. Do what I enjoy. That’s it. Why cant I just ENJOY everything. Unfortunately I know/have to assume, that if I try to abandon all these feeling, I will most likely gain weight… (welcome back mental games) but still. Why does it matter. Would any of you look down on my or look at me and consider me a failure if I gain 10lbs? Would you think I am a poser now because I cant claim I lost 130lbs anymore? Of course not. And if you did. You suck and I don’t want to be your friend anyway… but seriously why do I feel like that’s how the world would look at me. I don’t know. But I hate it. And it will stop. I want to be the fun, free, loving, care-free person I was at one point. My past is my past. Even my weight loss is past. My journey is behind me. I did it. I did what most people cant, wont, and would never be able to do. I should be happy and proud and see life as a wide open adventure full of promises and wonderful things. I want to get back into playing tennis. I want to casually play golf. I want to coach a little kids soccer/basketball/ shoot even baseball team which I hate! I just want to live again. Work out for fun and because I enjoy it. Not be tied to a gym and having to work out for 90 minutes and have to do atleast 50 reps of 4 different kinds of squats. I want to swim, I want to do some road biking. I need to free my mind of the viewing working out as a necessity. That’s why I don’t ever do anything I want to do. That’s why I have a half finished painting in on my easel. All things must come AFTER the gym or must fit around the gym which usually end up getting neglected because I am tired, or I must eat my meals at certain times to maximize performance. My life is chained to the scale, the gym, and the clock. Not my wife, family, friends, church. Not anymore. This is going to be really hard. Really freaking hard. But I am ready to bury the dead. Bury the past. Open my eyes, wake up, and (figuratively) stick two fingers up to the old me and move on. I hope by my birthday ( 2 months) my life is radically different. My description of my self is radically different. I can not do this on my own. I am asking all of you, any of you, who ever reads this to help. I will fall. I will stumble. But I promise to grab everyones hands, get back up, dust off, and keep running straight ahead. Time to start checking off life’s bucketlist items. Time to re-build friendships, create new friendships, love, support, and appreciate God’s masterful near perfect creation that is my wife and love again. Love everyone. Love ME.

5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we^[c]also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.