Strange Day.

Wow. Yesterday was a bizarre day. I was super busy running around all over Virginia beach for meetings which was kind of nice to break up the monotony of sitting at my desk all day. As I wrote about yesterday, I am having a huge problem figuring out what the heck I want to do. I went to the gym again yesterday and went in with a plan… followed the plan… and that was pretty much it. I didn’t mind it. But I wouldn’t say I really enjoyed it. Didn’t hate it. But wasn’t super awesome. So anyway I did my work out went home, ate dinner, and decided to sit down and really try and nail out this puzzle I have been working on lately. I wasn’t feeling totally super after my workout, but wouldn’t have said I felt sad by any means. I think it all took a downhill spiral when I went upstairs after dinner to change into my comfy nighttime clothes (pjs). I still struggle when I take my shirt off and see all the flabbiness of lower stomach that I once worked so hard to get rid of. Its not a huge deal… because I can also notice that my face and my color look much fuller and better then it did 3 months ago, and I feel better physically as well… but still you all know my issues with my stomach. SO anyway, as I began to work on this puzzle… I found myself getting more and more sad/depressed as time when on. There were many times I literally almost started crying. I have no idea why. I put on the most positive music I could find on spotify and tried to focus on anything that would make me feel better but I couldn’t. I never actually broke down, but I would have bet money at any given second I was about break down like a little kid and just cry. I felt beat down. I felt defeated. I felt horrible. I do believe in spiritual warfare and I truly believe that the devil was unleashing an attack on me last night. I know that sounds weird to some people. But I think its true and it happens. I felt like there was no reason to continue to pursue anything I have been thinking about recently and just wanted to quit it all. Quit working out, quit the sports, quit setting goals and pursuing my true passions in life, quit it all. Going right back to the old Matt… fat, lazy, and unmotivated sounded awesome. I don’t know why. I am not one of those people who can reach a certain point or level of something, then fall down a few steps, and get right back up and get to that point again. I always get down on myself and feel like whats the point. It took my years to get there, I don’t want to wait that long again. I guess you could say I respond well to instant gratification and not prolonged gratification. I don’t know. I am just struggling so hard dealing with this whole gym situation. I think the only way I can make this work is to follow some sort of plan. I do well with structured things. If its written out… ill do it. If it is not, and I have to just wing it…. I tend to slack off and just do the bare minimum. I think the other problem as far as the gym is concerned… is I am trying really hard to not overdue it like I was. I am also trying to not work my legs super hard considering what I found out after trying to play tennis after a leg workout. Not good. So im pretty much lost in the gym right now. I have pondered the idea of only going a couple times a week and bringing back more cardio/running stuff. I enjoy being outside. I enjoy running/biking/walking/tennis… outdoors things. Sitting on a bench pushing weights up and down really isn’t my cup-o-tea.  See this is why its good to write down all your thoughts and feelings and work through emotions and feelings publicly. I just jotted down a little weekly schedule on a piece of paper for my fitness plan. And looking at it I am pretty happy with it. Each day is different. Its formulated to work around my tennis matches.

Switching gears.

I know I said I was going to focus on diet and nutrition today. I don’t really feel like getting all into that one. So ill push that to next week. I did some research today and I actually thing I found the root to a lot of my physical pains, fatigue, sleep issues, and anxiety. I need to do some more reading on this so im not going to discuss just yet incase I am wrong but I think I found some things I need to drastically clean up with my diet. But on a general diet and nutrition note… I made a big step yesterday! I went to harris teeter and bought some apples and grapefruit. I phased them out of my diet last year because I had convinced myself that they were far to high in carbs and sugar. DUMB. They are delicious. And I will eat them. In fact the one happy thing about last night was my delicious ice cold juicy grapefruit that I had with dinner. So anyway im going to end it here. I feel like todays blog once again is all over the map. NO EDITING though! So I apologize if its hard to follow. Pray that tonight is a better night. I have softball practice so that should be fun.