Expecting Expectations

Expecting Expectations

Welcome back. I had a pretty good weekend im not going to lie. Friday and Saturday I had two KILLER workouts. I know I talked last week about how bummed I was about getting back into the gym. The more I thought about it the more it was revealed to me that this was the root cause of my little puzzle cry-fest. I was able to drop the expectations this weekend that I had set for myself and went it to the gym with a clear head and razorlike focus and did work. Nothing like a great workout. Pretty much sets the whole day up to be awesome. And the best part of Saturday’s workout was I planned it so I was finished right at 1230 so I immediately got to enjoy lunch and the Chelsea match, which we won. GOOD day. We then went to a wedding that evening and spent Sunday performing our normal routine of Church, Bible Study, Lunch, Target, Lowes…. Home. I have a nice little set of plants im growing this year consisting of Stevia, Broccoli, Spinach, Kale, Green Beans, Edamame, Rosemary, Lavender, and some flowers for Erin. Anyway… all that to say it was a decent weekend. OH YA! I had softball practice on Friday. It was….interesting. The range of talent on our teams spans from one girl who didn’t know you needed a glove… to a collegiate baseball player. Batting practice was funny. I actually hit all 20 pitches that came my way so I was pleasantly surprised with that. All-in-all it is going to be fun.

Anyway… on to my next topic I want to discuss. Expectations.

The buddy of mine who actually got me this job with VDOT came and visited me yesterday. We had a nice, surprisingly deeper conversation then what I was expecting. Him and I have a few things in common so he offers a unique set of views on somethings, so I enjoy when he comes to talk. He started throwing some questions at me and kept probing deeper each time I answered. What we revealed was quite interesting. He came to the conclusion that I have a tendency to set unrealistic expectations for everything. Case-in-point… the gym. Getting back in after taking the month off… I EXPECTED to be fresh, energized, ready to kill it again, and even worse I EXPECTED people to notice that I hadn’t been there for a while. None of these EXPECTATIONS came true those first couple days and it set me off into an emotional wreck. I EXPECT things to be certain ways in marriage, and in life, and with family things, work, you name it… I have an EXPECTATION. I am not one of those people who do very well with “wingin it” or just going with the flow. Everything I do… EVERYTHING… is planned out in my brain, and I struggle when things don’t go the way I had planned… or EXPECTED. I envy those who can just wake up and go where ever the wind my take them. I am control freak…and a control freak with massively high and most of the time unreachable expectations sets up for almost guaranteed disappointment. Even with my tennis match tonight. Instead of being super excited to just get out there and play and test myself against new possibly better opponents, I am super nervous that I won’t perform to the standards…. Or EXPECTATIONS… that I have set for myself. Maybe that explains why I have a tendency to quit things or give up before I really get into something. I set the bar or EXPECTATION so high at the early stages of my things that I set myself up to fail. Not that shooting for the moon is a bad thing… we should all go for gold in all things that we do… but in doing so we need to be able to take the set-backs and take the inevitable stumbles or road blocks that will happen… and get back on track with our eyes on the prize. For some reason I tend to stumble over the first pebble in my way and turn around and give up. I didn’t EXPECT that bump in the road so it must be a sign to not pursue. WRONG. I am by far my own worst enemy. I really would love to get deeper into this and see if I can’t uncover the root cause. Why do I set myself up for failure with unreal EXPECTATIONS. Am I trying to impress everyone? Myself? Maybe someone more specific like my parents? Erin? What is it? What causes this. Why do I feel like if you can’t be the best at something, then its really not worth doing? Why do I never give anything enough time or effort or commitment to actually be the best at something. I know I don’t do this. I pretty much gave up on guitar because I couldn’t learn the solo in Comfortably Numb. I can’t figure out how to paint like Thomas Kinkade so I left my canvas on the easel and haven’t looked at it since. Maybe this all ties into the stuff I talked about with “Identity” where I EXPECT myself to be better than others, or the best at something, and when I realize I might not be the “best” (by my standards/EXPECTATIONS) then instead of just allowing me to do something MY way… or allow my own creativity to creep in and make it original… I give up. EXPECTATIONS can be dirty things.

On a totally different un-related note… I want to give a huge shout-out and plug for Erin and her best friend Lyndsey. They were in charge of both planning and coordinating the wedding we were at this weekend and it was fabulous! They did a great job and everything went as planned and ended up being perfect. Tons of hard work and time went into it and by Saturday night they were both exhausted and did fabulous. SO if anyone is looking for weddings planners they are legitimately looking into this as a side job/hobby to do!

And on another note… Erin is wonderful. Watching her on Saturday made me very happy and proud to call her my wife. I am truly blessed. J