Vapors

I feel like mentally and emotionally I am running on empty this week. My heart is screaming out. Reality silences it. Dreams grow big. Reality deflates. Passions erupt. Reality douses. My desires are dug out. Reality buries.

Crappy day. Feeling especially beat down by the ghosts of my past. This song pretty much sums its up.

“Tell Me Now” – We Came as Romans

Stuck at a fork in the road,
Which way should I go?
One path leads me home,
The other leaves me alone

The impact of one choice is so endless
Can't even think of how it plays out in time
Through the years, it's still there
Won't disappear
The impact of one choice is so endless
Through all these years, it still won't disappear

So tell me now,
'Cause I don't wanna stay
In the dark for so long
While my whole life gets away
Is the secret out?
Will anybody say
The clearest path to start down,
Or which road is right to take?

Carefully,
I think of
Ways out now
'Cause I don't want to hold in
This burden
Weighs so heavily
the thought of
What I love
Being swayed,
unstable choices I might make

Through all these years, it still won't disappear
Through all these years, it still won't disappear

So tell me now,
'Cause I don't wanna stay
In the dark for so long
While my whole life gets away
Is the secret out?
Will anybody say
The clearest path to start down,
Or which road is right to take?

So tell me now,
'Cause I don't wanna stay
Left in the dark for so long
While my whole life gets away

Is the secret out?
Will anybody say
The clearest path to start down,
Or which road is right to take?

The impact of one choice is so endless
The impact of one choice is so endless

So tell me now, so tell me now
So tell me now,
'Cause I don't wanna stay
Left in the dark for so long
While my whole life gets away
Is the secret out?
Will anybody say
The clearest path to start down,
Or which road is right to take?

Selfies

Selfies

Sometimes I think it is important for everyone to take a “selfie”. So go ahead… grab your smart phone… hold your arm out… or find a mirror… pucker your lips… and snap it. Done? Good.

Hopefully nobody just did that. And for God’s sake if you did… please don’t post it on facebook….or istagram…or twitter… in fact go blow up your phone.

But seriously.

When was the last time you just stopped for a second in the morning, while you’re getting ready, and just starred at yourself. Looked deep into your own eyes and taken a little inventory? I think this is important. I guess it’s a sort of meditation in a way. Just looking at yourself… asking questions of yourself. Are you who you wanted to be? Are you who you feel like you were created to be? Are you going through the motions of life? Or are you creating the motions of life? Are you happy with yourself? Happy with who you’ve become, who you are growing up to be?

I think these are crucial questions to ask yourself. I have been doing a lot of pondering of these questions. I am a text book example of someone who has been just going through the motions in life. I have been struggling to see my life as purposeful. This blog has invited some sense of purpose for me. I hope it still reaches and benefits people. If nothing else I at least hope anyone who reads it enjoys the couple minutes each week it takes to read these. I actually enjoy being open and honest and really have found great joy in writing. But that being said… I still have really struggling finding my purpose in life. I stare into my own eyes and still see so much potential absolutely screaming to come out. I almost compare it to a tiger in captivity. There is a fire burning inside to do something powerful but the world and my past ghosts continue to beat me back to the ground. Regrets plague me. I have been trying really hard lately to accept them and move on. Very hard to do. Each time I give myself a good stare down I see all the things I should have done differently. All the things I wished I could go back and change. So many times in life I’ve wanted to put my fist so far through that mirror and go back and change things thinking I can always come back and rebuild the mirror, piece it back together the way I want it look, I want me to look.

The problem is you can’t. You can never go back. No mulligan’s in life. The sooner you/I accept this and embrace the future… the sooner we become happy. And happiness is the goal of life in my opinion.

Not money, not possessions, not all the other things of this world. Happiness. Happiness can be obtained with and from nothing.

My most recent and frequent prayer has been for God to show me my purpose. Help me remove the blindfolds of my past and steer the ship. The world tells us to fight for the helm and never let it go. YOU/WE have all the control. NEVER GIVE IT UP.

Friends, that is so not the way. Let it go. You must let it go. I must let it go. I’m 3 days away from being 27 years old. I am young. I have so many years to come, so many years to change the world, do good, spread joy. Love. You can’t be the change you want to see in the world if you won’t let yourself be the change you want to see in yourself. The world will beat you down, tell you, you can’t do that… be that… it’s too late… you aren’t good enough, smart enough, this dream is going to take too long, be too hard, cost to much, might require drastic change… STOP

Just stop. Have faith, believe in yourself. Let it go. Leave the worries behind. Have faith. Step out of the boat.

Tonight, tomorrow, right now… sometime soon… take a good long mental selfie. 

Focus on the Family

Focus on the Family

Recently a lot has been revealed to me about the importance of family. In fact I would argue that a whole host of societal problems that are plaguing the country right now could be solved by focusing on the family. Nowadays ours lives are so busy and so full of things going on that often times the good old-fashioned family time is not even an after-thought, Its non-existent. I have always been a huge believer and proponent in the values of the family dynamic in a persons life. How many times do we need to observe the troubled kids from troubled families problem? My heart absolutely breaks for kids in these situations as well as the other family members involved. I really do 100% believe that there is nothing more important in a parents life then their children. I think the hierarchy of life should go God-(immediate)Family-Best Friends-Extended Family-Friends. I don’t think you have to look to hard to see the importance of this. I can’t tell you how many kids I came across working at summer camps for all those years and how you could tell which kids came from which type of family. I think there are many important things that should happen to develop a strong family. You can always make new friends, but you’re stuck with your family. Some of the many things that I (and Erin) have talked about and hold as extremely important to us. Obviously these are solely my opinions and im not saying I am 100% right its just what I believe.

Dinner. Dinners should ALWAYS be conducted TOGETHER void of all forms of media. No TV, no phones, no tablets, no NOTHING! Dinner should be held around a table and should be a time where the family can decompress TOGETHER and share life and share stories and experiences from the day. I come from an Italian family so it was nothing for our family dinners to last for hours. And some of the greatest times and conversations and laughs that I can remember from growing up were around the dinner table. I know this can be difficult with the crazy lives everyone has nowadays (which is another topic I wont even touch right now) but I think time should be made for family dinner. Part of the problem in today’s society is parents and kids don’t have the relationship I believe they should. People don’t talk, don’t ask questions, don’t express thoughts, dreams, interests enough with each other anymore. We are all so pre-occupied. Once you walk in the door from work or school or whatever… it should be family time. At least that’s how I feel.

Piggy-Backing off the Dinner situation – I feel like family nights are hugely important. This does not mean sitting around watching TV or movies all the time… but have fun, go outside, play a game, do a picnic, take a walk, experience life together…. But do it without your phones and devices and DISTRACTIONS. Nothing says “you really don’t care” better then being half engaged and constantly checking your phone or whatever.

Travel- First of all, I totally understand not everyone can financially afford to travel but I’m not necessarily talking about a yearly trip to slope-side Breckenridge or an all-inclusive Caribbean Vacation. This could be as simple as getting in the car and driving to a lake, a local farm or farmers market, beach day, museums, ANYTHING to get out of your comfort zone or get out of the house and the familiar environment to experience the world. Sometimes I don’t even think this requires leaving the house. “Travel” outside and rake the leaves with your kids. Wash the cars, make chores fun! Nothing is more fun as a kid then jumping in a huge pile of leaves with your parents and wrestling your dad to the ground and shoving leaves down his shirt. (until he gets you back exponentially worse the you got him)

Work – Work should- at all costs- stay at work. I know its impossible in todays world but I really feel like we should make every effort to make this a huge priority. I actually think this is the biggest problem in our society. We are 100% connected at all times and with the crappy economy most people have to stay on top of things for security. This is hard for some people… I know Erin either has to stay at work for 80hrs a week or bring home her papers and grade at home. My Dad works from home… so he virtually has no “hours” and it on the clock 24/7. Ask him… although it has its obvious advantages, there are twice as many disadvantages. When people feel like work takes precedence over them they will find something to take precedence over you. Downward spiral from there.

Now…. You might be thinking… what the heck is this blog all about? Your 26, been married for 2 years, and don’t even have kids!

Well… first of all I enjoy writing. A lot actually. But I don’t always enjoy writing directly about myself. I have a lot opinions and views on things and spend the better part of my life thinking about stuff. I am always thinking about ways that I can make the world a better place. How can I impact the world? How can I put a bug in someones head and maybe get them thinking about something they could potentially change and make life better for there and other people’s lives. Also, I think my background has a huge impact on how I view stuff like this. Being involved in both 4H and Triple R summer camps for so many summers, there were actually kids who I could tell reached out to me to be the father-figure that they don’t have. Or spend time, talk, listen, love them like they don’t get at home. I’ll never forgot the day I freaking lost it and totally broke down when I had a kid latch on to me and beg me to let him stay at camp with me for the whole summer. He DID NOT want to go back home. He did not want to go back to his FAMILY. I would be willing to bet there aren’t too many family dinners or outings for that kid.

I personally cannot freaking wait to be a Dad.

“It is finished”

“It is finished”

Yes I am quoting Jesus, however I am also referring to the end of the meaning of holidays. If you’ve ever been around me during the holidays you know I have some serious issues with them. Consumerism and commercialism has completely ruined holidays. I can’t stand it. First of all… I guess I have a slight bias in that I really am not very fond of presents and gifts. My idea of the perfect “gift” for a holiday is quality time spent with someone. It just irritates me. This weekend is a perfect example. This weekend we observe the beating, crucifixion, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Arguable this should be the largest “holiday” in the Christian faith. This is such a special weekend in our faith and I am glad we use it as a time to get together, go to church(BUT PLEASE KEEP GOING NEXT WEEK NOT JUST ON EASTER!) and spend time with our families giving thanks for the sacrifice of Jesus. But where in the world did the Easter Bunny come from? Please don’t even answer that because even if you know the history or the story behind it… its stupid. Why do we have an Easter bunny and pastel colored eggs and candy galore and special “Easter” edition everything? Why did we decide to take another super special day in history and ruin it by creating yet another day that we all seem to think we need to buy eachother gifts and make sure we all get together as a family to eat or have all these big festivals with easter egg hunts, and peeps and candy everywhere? WHY? Where in the world is the connection between how we view the Easter holiday… and its actual meaning? Peeps… do NOT have anything to do with Jesus’s death OR resurrection. It really frustrates me. Don’t even get me started on Christmas.

I love Christmas. I really really do. Probably more then most people. Ask Erin… I am a sucker for the holidays. BUT I cant stand what they have turned into. Presents…. Gifts…. Sales…. Santa?....

What about….. CHRIST?!?! We cant even call it CHRISTMAS and more its…. “the holidays”. I’ve always heard that it was actually Coca-Cola that created the “Santa Claus” as we know him today with the red suit… white beard… big old jolly fella. Makes sense…. Coca-Cola…Red&White… makes you fat… hah! But seriously I just get so irritated at the way we have come to treat the holidays. Stores put out the products MONTHS in advanced. And then it creates a culture of comparison… everyone wants to get the bigger TV or the new lexus or what ever it is. I am going to refrain from even talking about BLACK FRIDAY because I will end up using many explicative’s and probably get myself in trouble. Here’s another thing that really grinds my gears… When people are out to eat during the holidays… and say something like… “it’s a shame these waiters have to work on Thanksgiving” …. THEN GO HOME AND COOK YOUR OWN FOOD! I was so stoked to see that Bj’s and Sam’s were closed yesterday. Everyone always says like “yah the holidays are all about spending time with loved ones…. Unless I need my service then yall better be working!” It makes me mad. Rant over. All that to say… lets remember the reasons behind the holidays. I think July 4^th is about the only holiday we actually celebrate correctly. It’s a celebration. So we celebrate! Memorial Day???.... since when does honoring the fallen service members warrant a “summer kick-off party”??? Seriously. Ugh. Lame.

Anyway. Life is getting much better. My sister comes home tomorrow from being gone since Mid-November so I am looking forward to seeing her… (a little) J

Short and Sweet

“It is finished” probably the greatest words ever spoken on the saddest yet most wonderfully promising day in history. Today we celebrate Jesus’ death on the cross and all He gave for us. He gave his life so we may have ours. Amazing. Indescribable. The ultimate sacrifice.  We must never forget what Jesus did for us in death… BUT…also in life. I love reading the stories of His ministry in the new testament. He portrayed the ultimate example of love. He is love. He may have "finished" his mission as a human-being on this planet... but he is nowhere near finished with us, guiding our lives to carrying out his mission. It's our turn to carry the torch and keep it moving. Jesus is moving in us. 

Here is a weekend Challenge.

In honor of the life that Jesus lived, as followers he has called us to mirror, let’s try and do something nice or unexpected or just show love to someone that might not deserve it or might not be expecting it. It doesn’t have to be huge, expensive or some big “look at me” event. Just do something. Hold the door for someone, treat them to a coffee, buy a doughnut for a homeless person… any thing! As long as it shows you care about them and you do it with a big gracious smile on your face… that’s all that matters. No this won’t end any wars around the world or spur on a massive global revival… but it may just make someone who is having a really crappy day, feel a little bit better. Then who knows… maybe they return the favor to someone else… and it keeps spreading… and maybe it gets all the way to Putin and the Ukraine coming to terms?!?! Unlikely… but you never know until you try! We are called to be the change we want to see in the world. It is such a simple yet at times impossible thing to do. Its hard to love other people. Especially when it comes to sacrificing your needs above theirs. But its doable. And when we do it… good things happen.

But above all else… remember why you are doing it. Because Jesus sacrificed his life for ours… gave up LIFE. Keep that into perspective when you have to stand there an extra few seconds to help that old lady with the door. Its really not that bad. J Go out and love!

A little Update!

Update.

3 years ago today I asked Erin to be my wife. We were standing there watching the planes take-off and land at the airport… actually watching my parents plane take off on their way to Massachusetts. I actually didn’t really have a plan. Typically how I do things. Not really that I didn’t have a plan… or want to have a plan… but like many other areas or situations in my life I wanted it to be so nice and so perfect that I gave up even trying for fear of not succeeding. So I just went ahead and kept the ring on me… and figured an opportunity might present itself. It did. And it was a cool/cute/hilarious story. Anyway… you really just never know how life is going to turn out. One thing that is for sure… God is good and he definitely provides. I asked Erin to marry me before I even had a job! We were both in school and looking back I would have told myself it was a bit too early because finances were tough for a while. But I think it set us up to be very financially responsible now and we learned some good lessons. Sometimes you wish you had a crystal ball to show you exactly how things are going to turn out to make sure your ready. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately?... we don’t. So we gotta be ready for anything. Life is an adventure. You wake up and just gotta face what comes at you. You just never know. We never knew that for the better part of our first two years of marriage we would be dealing with some incredibly difficult issues that NOBODY wants to have to deal with in the honeymoon phase. Life if supposed to be fun, spontaneous and exciting during this point… not dark, boring and emotional. I would bet Erin didn’t really want to have to deal with this. And she has. Which is why I love her and know without a shadow of a doubt… she’s the one. Many women in today’s world would have left me a LONG time ago. Not Erin. She is amazing. The good thing is… life is turning around. We had a nice date-day on Saturday where we went to Williamsburg and we(Erin) hit the outlets. I will say… I was a well behaved husband and took advantage of the beautiful sunny day and gratefully sat on the benches and got a nice tan and never complained once! We had a fantastic dinner at Food For Thought. Neither of us had ever been there before and after an hour wait… it turned out to be totally worth it. Freaking delicious! Sunday we went to a beautiful wedding at the Founders Inn. And thank goodness we found a TV that had the Masters on! Got to enjoy the wedding, and see Bubba win… GREAT DAY. However I think the best part about the day was the relationships we got to develop. The couple getting marries lives in the Condo unit directly behind us and we go to church together. We are all part of a newly/nearly married Life Group at church and a few of the other couples were invited to the wedding as well and building these new relationships with other couples in the same phase of life as us, has been hugely beneficial and we absolutely adore these new friends. Sunday was a good day. Saturday was a good day.

Friday? Hahah well… Friday was a good day to… except for softball really sucked. First of all we lost both games by the slaughter rule… secondly… I just did not have fun! I forgot how much I don’t like baseball/softball. I am not 100% sure im going to keep playing… we have enough people on the team that we had to rotate each inning, and for both games we had enough people to create 2 batting line ups. Not fun… and not trying to give up my Friday nights for the next 9 weeks.

But… all that to be said… Life if getting much better. I am learning and putting into practice many good lessons. First of all… I have learned that it is hard to really love others, when you don’t love yourself. So I have been actively trying to “love myself” and keep postitive thoughts, and it is actually working as I feel like I am finding it much easier to love others. I’m enjoying my workouts again, enjoying my food, enjoying church, enjoying my friends and stuff Erin and I have been doing. I have also been dreaming a lot lately. Not the dreams that you have while you are sleeping, but dreaming about things I want to achieve. Dreaming about potential. Dreaming about life and pursuit of happiness. Had an interesting “conversation” with someone I look up to very much recently and it has really got me thinking about things. Cant really go into too many details on this one just yet. But as much as I have enjoyed the hopes and dreams I am also remembering to live, love and take in the present and enjoy Today without worrying too much about tomorrow.

So ya everything is good and I am looking forward to this new phase of me that is starting to show signs of life.

And of course happy “engangement” anniversary to my lovely wife J

Life is Good

Life is Good.

Those t-shirts are so corny yet so awesome. They typically feature a little stick figure person enjoying some form of leisure (usually in the simplest form)  with a big smile on its face. Life is Good, and that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Life is good. Or atleast I can say life is BECOMING good. This has been a great week. I have been trying to incorporate many changes into my life all for the better and all of them are small little tests and challenges I am making to try and see if I cant start to overcome and curb things that cause major anxiety or stress. Here are the main areas I have been focusing on this week.

1.       SLEEP! Newsflash for those who don’t know me… I am THE morning person. I love mornings… the earlier the better. Previously my alarm used to be set around 4:30 and to be honest I rarely made it to my alarm. I love getting up when its dark outside. I love taking walks before the sun comes up in the real true dead of night. I don’t know why. I read in a book recently that some people enjoy it because they (I totally fall into this category) are extremely productive in the wee hours. The reasoning behind this was interesting. When you get up that early… its quiet… you know pretty much for certain you wont be getting phone calls, emails, texts, or anything that may disrupt a certain task. The interesting point the author made was it seems like waking up early allows you to take advantage of having the maximum amount of self-esteem before anything else has a chance of getting up and beating you down. Work isn’t nagging you yet, family issues, drama, friend problems…. They are all still sleeping. I found this to be true. I am fresh, awake, clear-minded, and focused in the mornings. However this poses a major challenge by about 8pm when I am DONE and ready to sleep. Its difficult to get up that early and stay awake until 11 or so. So all that say…  I have switched my alarm to 5:30 (latest possible to where I can get every thing that needs to be done) and force myself to stay in bed as long as I can. Some mornings this is tough. Minutes creep like hours between 430 and 530 when I can only manage to fall back asleep for 10 min at a time. BUT I AM TRYING. And to be honest it feels great. I do miss my morning walks, and still take one from time to time, but the extra hour of sleep albeit.. only an hour… I notice a major difference.

2.       DIET! YES I EAT FOOD! And lots more of and I am really starting to bring in some variety. Previously I was literally eating ONLY chicken, broccoli, green beans, eggs, protein powder, and strawberries with dinner. Now I still have my major hang ups with certain foods. Sugar…unless its nature form (fruits/veggies) is still something I do not believe is a necessary part of anyone’s diet. I still avoid gluten/simple carbs as much as I can and try and get my carbs from the good healthy variety (again fruits and veggies). But still I have been bringing in many more forms of fruit and added back my greek yogurt from time to time. I eat oatmeal again which I must say is delicious and I have missed it. Besides bringing back foods into my diet I am also trying to get rid of all the junk I eat. Also… if you haven’t tried the PB2 peanut butter stuff… its amazing. I mix a huge dish with my dinner fruits and eat the crap out of it.  What I mean by junk is all the artificial sweeteners and artificial flavor enhancers and stuff. I have depended on those such things SO HEAVILY in my previous quest to get the most flavor/taste for the least calories. Splenda and all those artificial things are one of the leading causes of depression and anxiety….HMMMMMM connection? So all in all I’m just trying to get rid of the fake stuff and incorporate a nice balanced whole foods approach. The other night a made a quiche that was so freaking delicious I ate the entire thing. A 9” pie baking dish… destroyed. Eggs, veggies, my soy cheese, and a grapefruit… probably the best meal I’ve eaten in a long time.

3.       WATER! Yes how simple is that! I used to track my water and liquid intake like a hawk… Why? Liquid is heavy, heavy is weight, weight makes the scale go up, my mind would get all jacked up. Yes… I know its only water and you pee the excess out anyway… but still… it messed with my head.

4.       FUN! Ive talked about just trying to have fun. Life should be fun. When life is fun… and fun is good… Life is GOOD! Tennis is a blast. The gym is fun again. Ive totally blown all expectations out the door and working out is fun again. I go in… focused… excited… with a new goal, to just enjoy the individual workout that day. I have no weight goals anymore, no “must see my abs again” goals, no “I must be able to clean and press five billion pounds this year, I just go in… do my thing… work on my weaknesses and go home. Its fun. And it feels so much better this time around.

5.       GUM. Yes chewing gum. I am making a conscience effort to scale back on chewing gum. Its always been used as my nervous comfort “food” and pretty much if I am not eating a meal… I have a piece of gum in my mouth. Its also been a way for me to enjoy a “sweet treat” or “sweet TRICK” in my brain to curb my cravings for food while I was dieting. Its all just artificial junk and sweeteners and serve no purpose what-so-ever. This is honestly the hardest thing I am trying to do.

Now that things are going better in my own personal life and I am making massive strides to positive changes, I need to focus on being the best possible husband I can be. Erin is amazing. Erin is beautiful inside and out, and I am beyond blessed to be married to her. I have not been the best possible husband I can be. Not even close. I admit it. I have been non-existent at times, and was so consumed with me. This must stop. She deserves so much more then I have given her. Unfortunately I cannot go back in time and make up or give back the time I wasted, but I can make sure that none of that happens going forward. We have such a wonderful life, wonderful friends, wonderful families, theres no reason why we shouldn’t be having a truly wonderful marriage and life together. We are still so young and so much of life is still ahead of us and there is so much potential for us to do amazing things together. I must change. God as my witness I am going to change. Like I said… you cant change the past… but you can learn from it and make sure the future is good. And that’s my job. Because we all know… Happy Wife….Happy life. J I love you sunshine!

ONE LAST THING! … still haven’t weighed myself. And honestly… couldn’t care less. I walk right by that scale everyday and give a nice two finger salute (figuratively) 

Delightfully Destroyed

Delightfully Destroyed

So last night’s first USTA tennis match was SO much fun. I played Court 2 doubles with our team captain and neither one of us have played more than a couple times in the last year.  So needless to say we were pretty much not prepared at all and got absolutely destroyed! …. Kind of. We took each game to 30-40, 40-30, deuce, but pretty much each time choked on the last point or two of the games… so the 6-1 6-2 score line doesn’t realllllllllllllllllllly reflect the match. Haha (they all say that) But seriously it was so fun. I was really nervous and timid in warm ups and could not get a serve in to save my life. My strokes were ok but timid and reserved. As I warmed up and got used to the level of play that I was up against I def. began to calm down and settle into my game. I choose to serve the first game and get it over with, and after missing almost every serve in warm ups… I got every first serve in through my first game. Really stoked and just the right confidence booster I needed to start the night off. So anyway despite losing fairly convincingly… I found myself having loads of fun and each point we lost I tried to make a point to either give the team credit, or just laugh and smile and keep the mindset of “its just a game!” Another thing that was nice about last night was that Erin and my Dad came to the match. I originally thought this was going to be bad and I was going to feel an immense level of pressure having people watch me. It actually spurred me on to play better and keep a positive attitude. On a different note… I was also super stoked because physically my body felt fantastic. I had tons of energy and virtually no pain or discomfort in my legs. I was a bit nervous because Monday I had a pretty solid upper body workout and wasn’t sure if I had over done it. I made sure to not work my legs much at all, but everything felt great! So all-in-all it was a great night of tennis and I cannot wait until next week!

Expecting Expectations

Expecting Expectations

Welcome back. I had a pretty good weekend im not going to lie. Friday and Saturday I had two KILLER workouts. I know I talked last week about how bummed I was about getting back into the gym. The more I thought about it the more it was revealed to me that this was the root cause of my little puzzle cry-fest. I was able to drop the expectations this weekend that I had set for myself and went it to the gym with a clear head and razorlike focus and did work. Nothing like a great workout. Pretty much sets the whole day up to be awesome. And the best part of Saturday’s workout was I planned it so I was finished right at 1230 so I immediately got to enjoy lunch and the Chelsea match, which we won. GOOD day. We then went to a wedding that evening and spent Sunday performing our normal routine of Church, Bible Study, Lunch, Target, Lowes…. Home. I have a nice little set of plants im growing this year consisting of Stevia, Broccoli, Spinach, Kale, Green Beans, Edamame, Rosemary, Lavender, and some flowers for Erin. Anyway… all that to say it was a decent weekend. OH YA! I had softball practice on Friday. It was….interesting. The range of talent on our teams spans from one girl who didn’t know you needed a glove… to a collegiate baseball player. Batting practice was funny. I actually hit all 20 pitches that came my way so I was pleasantly surprised with that. All-in-all it is going to be fun.

Anyway… on to my next topic I want to discuss. Expectations.

The buddy of mine who actually got me this job with VDOT came and visited me yesterday. We had a nice, surprisingly deeper conversation then what I was expecting. Him and I have a few things in common so he offers a unique set of views on somethings, so I enjoy when he comes to talk. He started throwing some questions at me and kept probing deeper each time I answered. What we revealed was quite interesting. He came to the conclusion that I have a tendency to set unrealistic expectations for everything. Case-in-point… the gym. Getting back in after taking the month off… I EXPECTED to be fresh, energized, ready to kill it again, and even worse I EXPECTED people to notice that I hadn’t been there for a while. None of these EXPECTATIONS came true those first couple days and it set me off into an emotional wreck. I EXPECT things to be certain ways in marriage, and in life, and with family things, work, you name it… I have an EXPECTATION. I am not one of those people who do very well with “wingin it” or just going with the flow. Everything I do… EVERYTHING… is planned out in my brain, and I struggle when things don’t go the way I had planned… or EXPECTED. I envy those who can just wake up and go where ever the wind my take them. I am control freak…and a control freak with massively high and most of the time unreachable expectations sets up for almost guaranteed disappointment. Even with my tennis match tonight. Instead of being super excited to just get out there and play and test myself against new possibly better opponents, I am super nervous that I won’t perform to the standards…. Or EXPECTATIONS… that I have set for myself. Maybe that explains why I have a tendency to quit things or give up before I really get into something. I set the bar or EXPECTATION so high at the early stages of my things that I set myself up to fail. Not that shooting for the moon is a bad thing… we should all go for gold in all things that we do… but in doing so we need to be able to take the set-backs and take the inevitable stumbles or road blocks that will happen… and get back on track with our eyes on the prize. For some reason I tend to stumble over the first pebble in my way and turn around and give up. I didn’t EXPECT that bump in the road so it must be a sign to not pursue. WRONG. I am by far my own worst enemy. I really would love to get deeper into this and see if I can’t uncover the root cause. Why do I set myself up for failure with unreal EXPECTATIONS. Am I trying to impress everyone? Myself? Maybe someone more specific like my parents? Erin? What is it? What causes this. Why do I feel like if you can’t be the best at something, then its really not worth doing? Why do I never give anything enough time or effort or commitment to actually be the best at something. I know I don’t do this. I pretty much gave up on guitar because I couldn’t learn the solo in Comfortably Numb. I can’t figure out how to paint like Thomas Kinkade so I left my canvas on the easel and haven’t looked at it since. Maybe this all ties into the stuff I talked about with “Identity” where I EXPECT myself to be better than others, or the best at something, and when I realize I might not be the “best” (by my standards/EXPECTATIONS) then instead of just allowing me to do something MY way… or allow my own creativity to creep in and make it original… I give up. EXPECTATIONS can be dirty things.

On a totally different un-related note… I want to give a huge shout-out and plug for Erin and her best friend Lyndsey. They were in charge of both planning and coordinating the wedding we were at this weekend and it was fabulous! They did a great job and everything went as planned and ended up being perfect. Tons of hard work and time went into it and by Saturday night they were both exhausted and did fabulous. SO if anyone is looking for weddings planners they are legitimately looking into this as a side job/hobby to do!

And on another note… Erin is wonderful. Watching her on Saturday made me very happy and proud to call her my wife. I am truly blessed. J  

Strange Day.

Wow. Yesterday was a bizarre day. I was super busy running around all over Virginia beach for meetings which was kind of nice to break up the monotony of sitting at my desk all day. As I wrote about yesterday, I am having a huge problem figuring out what the heck I want to do. I went to the gym again yesterday and went in with a plan… followed the plan… and that was pretty much it. I didn’t mind it. But I wouldn’t say I really enjoyed it. Didn’t hate it. But wasn’t super awesome. So anyway I did my work out went home, ate dinner, and decided to sit down and really try and nail out this puzzle I have been working on lately. I wasn’t feeling totally super after my workout, but wouldn’t have said I felt sad by any means. I think it all took a downhill spiral when I went upstairs after dinner to change into my comfy nighttime clothes (pjs). I still struggle when I take my shirt off and see all the flabbiness of lower stomach that I once worked so hard to get rid of. Its not a huge deal… because I can also notice that my face and my color look much fuller and better then it did 3 months ago, and I feel better physically as well… but still you all know my issues with my stomach. SO anyway, as I began to work on this puzzle… I found myself getting more and more sad/depressed as time when on. There were many times I literally almost started crying. I have no idea why. I put on the most positive music I could find on spotify and tried to focus on anything that would make me feel better but I couldn’t. I never actually broke down, but I would have bet money at any given second I was about break down like a little kid and just cry. I felt beat down. I felt defeated. I felt horrible. I do believe in spiritual warfare and I truly believe that the devil was unleashing an attack on me last night. I know that sounds weird to some people. But I think its true and it happens. I felt like there was no reason to continue to pursue anything I have been thinking about recently and just wanted to quit it all. Quit working out, quit the sports, quit setting goals and pursuing my true passions in life, quit it all. Going right back to the old Matt… fat, lazy, and unmotivated sounded awesome. I don’t know why. I am not one of those people who can reach a certain point or level of something, then fall down a few steps, and get right back up and get to that point again. I always get down on myself and feel like whats the point. It took my years to get there, I don’t want to wait that long again. I guess you could say I respond well to instant gratification and not prolonged gratification. I don’t know. I am just struggling so hard dealing with this whole gym situation. I think the only way I can make this work is to follow some sort of plan. I do well with structured things. If its written out… ill do it. If it is not, and I have to just wing it…. I tend to slack off and just do the bare minimum. I think the other problem as far as the gym is concerned… is I am trying really hard to not overdue it like I was. I am also trying to not work my legs super hard considering what I found out after trying to play tennis after a leg workout. Not good. So im pretty much lost in the gym right now. I have pondered the idea of only going a couple times a week and bringing back more cardio/running stuff. I enjoy being outside. I enjoy running/biking/walking/tennis… outdoors things. Sitting on a bench pushing weights up and down really isn’t my cup-o-tea.  See this is why its good to write down all your thoughts and feelings and work through emotions and feelings publicly. I just jotted down a little weekly schedule on a piece of paper for my fitness plan. And looking at it I am pretty happy with it. Each day is different. Its formulated to work around my tennis matches.

Switching gears.

I know I said I was going to focus on diet and nutrition today. I don’t really feel like getting all into that one. So ill push that to next week. I did some research today and I actually thing I found the root to a lot of my physical pains, fatigue, sleep issues, and anxiety. I need to do some more reading on this so im not going to discuss just yet incase I am wrong but I think I found some things I need to drastically clean up with my diet. But on a general diet and nutrition note… I made a big step yesterday! I went to harris teeter and bought some apples and grapefruit. I phased them out of my diet last year because I had convinced myself that they were far to high in carbs and sugar. DUMB. They are delicious. And I will eat them. In fact the one happy thing about last night was my delicious ice cold juicy grapefruit that I had with dinner. So anyway im going to end it here. I feel like todays blog once again is all over the map. NO EDITING though! So I apologize if its hard to follow. Pray that tonight is a better night. I have softball practice so that should be fun. 

Fork in the Road

Fork in the road.

Ok. So. Like I said the other day I completed my month hiatus from the gym. I was super excited to get back to however I know I need to do things differently this time so I decided to have my first session back be with my dad and his and my moms trainer. She is a great friend and knows my whole story and has been a part of it from the beginning so I knew she would know how to ease me back into things. It was a decent workout… wasn’t all that challenging to me personally but it is a very different style from what I typically do. I went to my gym on Tuesday for my first workout on my own and managed to tone it back from what I used to do but still found my self doing more of my familiar exercise routines. I finished my workout and that’s when things started to happen in my head. I thought I was going to be all fired up to get back and start again… but I wasn’t. I left the gym… satisfied that I completed my workout… but felt pretty empty. All the same people were there, all the trainers that I got to know, life went on in the gym without me and nobody noticed I was gone. Not that I expected them too… but everyone knows that feeling when something is such a huge part of your life and you suddenly stop… you feel like the world pauses with you. It doesn’t. So like I said I finished my workout… (didn’t weight my self! Still going strong with this one) and went home. I noticeably am weaker, which is to be expected. But the emotional emptiness I felt upon leaving really messed with me. It is not that I didn’t enjoy it… it felt good to sweat and push myself physically… but I questioned why I was in there. What are my goals? I thought I had a huge list of goals that I wanted to accomplish on this next “phase” but I found myself questioning all of them. Why? Am I quitting? Is this me giving up before I have really started again? I don’t know. But I do know one thing that I discovered last night…. Body building and weight lifting DO NOT mix with tennis.

I recently joined a tennis league and am really excited about it. I starts this coming Tuesday. Considering I haven’t played for years and have joined a rather competitive team… I need to get some strokes in. So my dad and I played last evening. It was great. I hit fairly well considering how long it’s been. Tennis is kind of like riding a bike. The mechanics come back pretty fast. But like I said it was super fun and I definitely re-ignited an old passion. However there was one major problem. I could not move. My legs were so sore and worn out from the last two days of working out that I could not get around the court. Tennis is a game of explosive movements and quick feet. My feet felt like bricks because my legs couldn’t move them fast enough. It was awful. I legitimately apologized to my dad multiple times because we were both hitting the ball well, and having fun, but I was so hindered by my legs. This brought me to a major mental road block. I really like tennis. And given the right amount of time and practice I can and will be really good at tennis. The problem is… I can not work out to my previous “standards” and play tennis at the same time. But at the same time the more I thought about it and the more I reflected on my feelings leaving the gym Tuesday evening… im actually ok with that. Going to the gym everyday does nothing in terms of produce “measurable” results. I can get better at tennis. I can win more matches, serve more aces, beat people better than me, shoot even have some freaking fun! I cant really do that at the gym. Yes, I could lift more. But so what? Would any one else be like DANG heard matt added 10lbs to his deadlift!!!.... no. But if people came and watched a tennis match they could visibly see improvements over time. I feel like this is somewhat hard to explain. I am not trying to just take one “Matt the gym rat” and turn it into “Matt the tennis player” because then I am till putting a definition on my so called “identity” but I don’t know I just feel like it would be much more beneficial to myself and my situation if I focused more so on tennis. It is a 1000x more fun. I can do it with other people, I can challenge my self and work on improving my game.

 I think the greatest thing about this past month of no gym has been it has showed me that the gym doesn’t do anything for me. It doesn’t bring me joy. I don’t need to go everyday. Nobody cares if I do. Nobody notices. The chains are beginning to break. I am beginning to see the gym as more of a tool to help me improve areas of my fitness, specifically for the sports and things I actually enjoy doing, versus something I have to do every single day. I can go to the gym now and just focus on improving upper body strength and core rotation muscles to help with my tennis game. Or go and work on shoulders and arms to help with softball. The gym is a tool in the larger picture…. And I think im ok with that. Yes I still have a dream of doing crossfit… but there is no way I could do crossfit 5-6 days a week (got to do it that much to get your moneys worth) and play competitive tennis… and be able to enjoy it. So all that to say… the road back into fitness for me is not at all what I expected it to be like. I feel like im standing at a fork in the road… but all the forks eventually come back together. Its like I just have to learn and experiement with how to manage them all together. Monotony is gone. This might actually be fun!

Tomorrow… I plan on talking about food and diet and my major dilemma with them.