Meltdowns, Panic Attacks, and an Inspiring Ending.

Meltdowns, Panic Attacks, and an Inspiring Ending.

So… this week has been incredibly interesting. Started off pretty good on Monday. Tuesday hit absolutely rock-bottom. Like all the way down. I don’t know what happened. I was sitting In my office… started thinking about playing my tennis match… and I started getting anxious, nervous, emotional and panicky. The thought of playing tennis started to make me sick to my stomach and nauseous. I literally sat in my office praying for rain. I found myself literally sobbing in my office. Sitting there almost uncontrollably crying. It took multiple phone calls to my Dad and some calming words and reassuring to finally get me to calm down. But I totally lost it. Why? I had fun playing tennis. I was excited about it when it started… so what the heck was this all about? We will look into this in a little bit… but I ended up not playing. Instead I went to Bible Study with Erin and had a fantastic time. Weds was a little bit better of a day as a whole. I did experience a bit of a anxiety attack Weds evening. Again no idea why it happened but I got home from the gym and literally had to lay down on the ground and focus on my breathing trying to calm down. Finally I told Erin I had to get outta of the house so we went on a little drive… came home ate dinner… and then went out for another drive just to get out of the house. I don’t know what happened. I literally felt like an animal caged. Like I was trying to break from something and couldn’t. Anyway Weds night did get better. Then we come to yesterday. Yesterday may turn out to be the most significant day of my life. I had a therapy session and probably got more out of this session then all the rest combined. I actually didn’t have one scheduled this week but out of desperation on Tuesday, I called and scheduled a last minute appointment. We started by trying to get dialed in to why the emotions came out regarding tennis. We explored and probed many aspects and came up with a chart that highlighted the emotion experienced, followed by what may have caused each and why I felt that way. Some good stuff came out. I feel like I am coming alive again. I went camping this past weekend and for the first time in years… I feel like I am developing some solid friendships. I haven’t had many friends over the past few years. I have held everyone at arms length. Now I am working on bringing people back. Finding new friends. Our church life group has had such and amazing impact on my life. Some of these new dudes I genuinely love and care about a lot and have become so happy to be around them. I think that’s one thing with Tennis. It was taking away an opportunity for me to fellowship with our new friends. I feel comfortable, welcomed, loved and supported around the couples in our life group. Developing these relationships means exponentially more to me then a few tennis matches. And oddly enough it turned out one of my buddies has a couple health concerns and he was curious about ways he may be able to help control these things… BINGO! Now we are speaking my language. So I got to try and help and encourage someone I care deeply about… so yes… tennis is a no go anymore. Things happen for a reason. Proof.

Anyway… back to my therapy session… we got really deep into some emotions I have been experiencing and some dreams and passions that are on my heart. We talked about taking baby steps into pursuing those passions and ways I can incorporate them into my everyday life. I really feel like the fire has been sparked and all its going to take is one little splash of some gasoline and this is going to explode out of my heart. I just need someone or something to provide that gas. I got into my car and once again started crying my eyes out but this time it was more positive. Yes I do feel like I am being held back by decisions ive made in my past… but at the same time I feel like for the first time in my life… I can see a door opening. The path is becoming visible and I can feel the tug on my heart. I feel like I know my purpose. I don’t know exactly how to get there or where the door leads too, but I think its opening. My heart and my arms are hide open reaching out and im praying so hard that something grabs a hold of them. I look around and see the potential that exists in the world and our community and all I want is to get it out. Create a change. Impact lives. Make the world a better place. I never ever want to see or hear about someone regretting a decision or a situation in their lives. Those ghosts still haunt me and I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy. I feel for the first time im ready to face the world head on am stronger then these demons that plague me. God… if your ready… I am ready.

One last thing. Never ever underestimate your impact on something that may seem “bigger then you”

I did something yesterday… I wont say what… but I reached out to someone much much much bigger then me and just sent a message of encouragement and praise and let them know that I was praying for them and they have impacted my life and inspired me to be the person I see myself being. They actually responded. Genuinely. And reminded me how much it means to THEM when people encourage them and just simply remind them that people are praying for THEM and the reassurance that they actually are an inspiration. So whether its your sibling, best friend, stranger, or favorite celebrity…. If you pray for someone or are inspired by someone…. TELL THEM.