Celtic Woman, CrossFit and Pandas!

Man. What a weekend.

I am back on the blog today after spending the Memorial Day weekend celebrating our 2^nd Anniversary in DC with Erin. We had a blast and got to experience every single thing we both desired. The highlights…

Starting on Friday evening we went to the Celtic Woman concert with my parents which was fantastic. They put on an incredibly entertaining performance full of songs and dance including some amazing instrument interludes. I love the whole Celtic culture and really find it fascinating.

We then left Saturday morning early up for DC. We decided to spend Saturday exploring the surrounding areas and spending the full day Sunday in the city. So since we couldn't check into our hotel until the afternoon (and made it to DC in good time) we spent the morning exploring NOVA and Erin gave me a tour of the area she lived in when she lived up there. It was fun. Got to see her old house, school and her Dad’s golf course. After that…. It was my turn to pick what we did. It just so happened that the Mid-Atlantic Crossfit Regionals event was being held at the Patriot center at GMU. I COULD NOT let this opportunity pass by. So Erin gracious came with me because she knew how much this meant to me. It was so sick! We explored the vendors, got free stuff and eventually made our way into the event and watched about 5 heats of both men and women. Even Erin started asking questions and cheering! Totally worth it. We then spent the evening in Tyson's Corner and shopped for a bit and Erin picked the grossest Mexican place ever. Epic dinner fail.

Sunday we got up and had the free shuttle service at the hotel take us to the metro station. The driver of the shuttle was a Kenyan native and we had some great conversations with him about Kenya and about our good friend Lemiso from triple r. We went straight to the zoo Sunday morning and it was great! Got to see the pandas in full action eating and climbing around. Ran into a good friend from high school at the zoo which was a pleasant surprise. We got to see the elephants and the lions which were sweet. The “lioness” or Nala as I called her had 2 cubs that were running around wrestling with each other which was really cool. The “papa lion” or Simba as I called him was freaking awesome. At one point the dude stood up and let out the most legit roar ive ever heard. #awesome

We then just explored the rest of the zoo and made secretly made fun of the other tourists that made us laugh. You see some characters in DC. Then we ended up eating lunch at the coolest place ever. Don’t even remember what it was called but it was a café/restaurant that was all open to the outside and served an eclectic array of brunch/lunch items. We forgot it was Sunday so we were stoked to see breakfast still being served.

Then we decided to hit the mall area and do the whole monument thing and walk around to see the sights. It was pretty cool being there for memorial day weekend because they had a bunch of events and concerts and stuff around. The coolest thing we got to experience was “Rolling Thunder”. Basically its 1.5 millions motorcyclists from around the US who ascend on DC for a ride to the Capitol. Literally the police shut down I-495 and people lined the exits and over passes waving and cheering the riders on. It took them from 9am to 4pm to get all the bikes through the loop. It was freaking epic. From Vienna to the Capitol Building around the National Mall to the Lincoln Memorial the roads were shut down and 9 hours of continuous motorcycles. We spent some time people watching at the Washington Monument which is always fun in DC. After a brief annoyance of having to wait 45 minutes at the metro station waiting for our shuttle… we finished off the evening eating dinner  then hitting the hot tub and pool in the hotel.

We slowly got up Monday and hit the road stopping in Short Pump along the way. Before even getting home we stopped at a good friends house for a little pool party/cook out for her birthday which was actually kind of nice. After driving for 5 hours jumping in a nice chilly pool on a hot sunny day was totally refreshing. We hit the grocery store on the way home and FINALLY made it back and got to relax.

All-in-all it was a great weekend and being able to spend a fun stress-free weekend without any real plans holding us to a set schedule was totally refreshing. Albeit we totally missed Church on Sunday and all our friends.

Now its back to the grind. All though SOL’s are over for Erin which is fantastic. If you’re not married to a teacher you have no idea how wonderful it is when SOL’s are over!

Weekend = Success.   

Matthew.SOMEONE

Matthew.SOMEONE

My username at work for logging in to most things as well as my email address is Matthew.Simeone…. however the other day I either misspelled or got autocorrected into writing … Matthew.SOMEONE… pushed enter and was redirected to let me know my username was wrong… I stopped… looked at it… and immediately FROZE.

For some strange reason this misspelling of my own name launched me down an identity crisis and emotional free-fall. I literally teared up as I sat there and stared at Matthew.SOMEONE

Matthew.SOMEONE. An immense fear overtook me as I sat there and thought who was this… matthew.”Someone”. I started thinking… when I die… will I be Matthew Someone or Matthew Simeone. I think I sat there for probably twenty minutes as I tried to wrap my head around these thoughts. Who am I? What is my purpose…. why am I here? Why did God create me… put me through everything I’ve experienced and now what do I do with all this? How can I make sure that I am not just another Matthew SOMEONE but Matthew Simeone. Not saying I want to be remembered as a famous ____________(fill in the blank) but even amongst my circle of friends and family. How will they remember me? What will/do they say about me? If I was to ask everyone that I know to write an essay about me…. What would it say?

It really is a terrifying thought. Up until this point in my life I feel like I always have TRIED to be a Matthew Someone instead of Matthew Simeone, going through the motions of life, accepting of being mediocre at many things… and usually giving up on my plans or dreams fearful that someone might judge me a certain way, it may not be “cool” or fit in to the status-quo or it might require a little bit of work.

I think it is important however… not to try so hard to “define” yourself. I really have no desire to be Matthew Simeone the “_______”. I simply want to just make sure that I am Matthew Simeone. The individual. Probably my biggest fear in life and the great thing holding me back from my past is the crippling sense that if I reveal my “individual…ness” that people won’t like me, want to be friends with me, think im weird/strange/different. Now ive spent the last two years on a journey to radically RE-define myself and I think this is even harder then just being yourself in first place and not caring what people think. So all that to say…. Make sure in your own lives…. You are not a Matthew Someone, but a Matthew SIMEONE.  (figuratively) 

Two years!

Two years. I really can’t figure out if it feels like it has been a really long two years… or it has gone by really fast. It’s weird. A TON of stuff has happened since then so in once sense it feel like it has been a long two years because we have experienced so much change and new things… but on the other hand… I still remember parts of that day like it was yesterday. It’s funny and interesting to look back and think about what you remember the most. I don’t remember ANYTHING about that morning. Like it literally doesn’t feel like it happened. I remember waking up making myself try to make as much of the day as normal as possible to not get all anxious. I know I went to the gym… ate breakfast at home… but that was it. The first thing I remember about the day was trying to go find a garter at Party City because the one we ordered didn’t get delivered in time! I know I went to lunch with my groomsmen and I distinctly remember that the 2012 CrossFit Regional games were on TV at the restaurant because I remember just sitting then watching the TV because I really couldn’t focus on the conversations going on around me and my brain was going a million miles a minute.  The whole pre-ceremony happenings are somewhat of a blur as well. I remember we had a long time to change and take pictures and I wasn’t allowed to wander around because Erin and the girls were out and about. From about the time the pastor came and got me to get ready… is when time started FLYING. The ceremony went by so fast. I remember small moments specifically. But again so much of this was a total blur. I do remember that I pulled off the clutchest moment ever when I kissed Erin on the forehead after our first kiss J I also remember the entire audience let out a huge “awwwwww” after that. The most bizarre emotional moment that happened was one that NOBODY else saw. There was a moment after we walked down the aisle together that we had to loop around the church and wait to take pictures and as we were walking, before any of the wedding party caught up to us, I bursted into an all our cry fest and Erin and I just held each other and I told her I don’t know why I’m crying… “I just love you!”

I remember that moment the most vividly of the whole day.

Fast Forward to today. Erin had blossomed into such a fantastic, caring and loving educator and has devoted her life to her children. She loves everyone, cares for everyone, would do anything for anyone and her smile brightens any room she enters. I know ive said this before… but I am the luckiest guy ever. She is amazing. I would re-live 5/19/12 everyday for the rest of my life if I could. I wish so much I could honestly say that I haven’t taken her for granted. I don’t think I fully appreciate how amazing she is some days and I hate it. So much of what I have been going through for the last year has affected her and our relationship and I hate it. She doesn’t deserve or need any of that. She has always had my back and her love, support and concern is the only reason I am here today fighting. I couldn’t get through this with out her and the unconditional love she gives me. Shes the best and I love her to death :) 

Interpretation

Interpretation  

One of the biggest things I struggle with in my walk with God is trying to interpret his will. Two contradicting thoughts always plague my brain.

1.       On one hand…. I feel like the feelings, callings, passions, fires that I experience in my heart are hints at what I am supposed to be doing. We are told that we are to follow God’s will and the purpose he has given us. This is usually found through feelings and passions that have been laid on our hearts. These aren’t those “I feel like I should drive a Ferarri” thoughts, they are the “I feel like I am being called to serve a greater/different/specific purpose in life. I feel like God has put me through situation A,B and C for a reason and he is trying to tell me something or point me towards my calling.

2.       Then there is that whole mind set that says…. “God puts you right where you are and puts you through everything you’ve been through for a very specific purpose so sit back and let go of the reigns… He’s got this”. So when you experience those deep feelings, tugs, passions on your heart… are you supposed to act? Wouldn’t you think God would have put you in those situations if you really truly feel like its where you are supposed to be?

So I find myself in a constant state of hesitation and doubt and confused whether or not to act upon those feelings…. Or sit back and just remain where I am because “I am where I am supposed to be”. Surely when the timing is right it will work out. But how do you know if those feelings inside are YOUR feelings or God speaking to you? When is a selfish desire or a divine calling? Obviously this is where fervent prayer comes into play. But even then… you’ve been praying and praying and praying for guidance and direction and things start lining up or happening out of the blue… what do you do? I find it so easy to write those bizarre out-of-nowhere occurrences off as “coincidence”. Do you really hear God’s voice saying “GO” or is that your own voice? We all know that nowhere in the Bible does it really ever say that following God’s plan will be happy go lucky all the time or easy to do, easy to see, easy to follow… but sometimes its hard to accept that God would put you through stuff sometimes when it truly makes you miserable. That feeling of hopelessness or misery… is that just us being selfish and wanting to go off and follow our own plan?.... or is that God telling you “ YOUR NOT WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE….WAKE UP AND LOOK AT ALL THOSE “COINCIDENCES” AND TAKE A HINT!!!”.

I would love some feedback on this one and hear what other people believe, have done, experienced or handled these situations in their own lives.

Dear God,

You are great. You have brought me through every single storm ive encountered in life and each time I have come out on top. You have yet to leave me or forget about me. I love you. I don’t deserve your grace or mercy. I ask that you place your will and your desires on my heart and show me the way. I am ready to let everything go and walk in any direction you lead. All I need is a nudge, a hint, a door to crack open and I am ready. I know I can’t do anything with your guidance and strength. I am ashamed because so many times in my life ive gone out and done what I thought was right or go out about something alone…. With the notion that I am capable on my own. No more.

Also please be with our friend Casby as she is about to give birth to her first child with a husband out on deployment.

Please bless my good friend Ben with a job once finished with school

Please be with a friend’s wife as she is in intensive care in the hospital

Please me with on of our very good friends going through a bumpy marriage phase.

Be with my family as they look to the future to make some pretty big decisions and with my sister as she begins new life change.

And finally please be with Erin and her little students as they prepare to take the SOL tests this month. This is the most stressful month in a teacher’s life so please just comfort them.

Thanks and I love You.

Amen.

Revelations

Revelations

I recently really feel like God has been on revealing spree in my heart. I have come to see and feel many things much more clearly lately. I don’t know why or if He is trying to prepare me for something he has in store for me in the future, but the last few weeks have been incredibly emotional. I have laughed more, cried more, smiled more and been beaten down more in the last few weeks then I have in my whole life… but its been nice. It has really cleared up some questions and feelings I have been experiencing.

One area I really feel like God has been working in my heart has been my quiet time with Him. I really feel like I have been having tons more conversations with Him. This has been huge because I have always struggled with keeping up my prayer life. The more I talk… the more I hear him talk. Which is good. Because I need Him right now big time.

Another area I have been really focusing on is continuing to seek the desires and passions inside my own heart and not worrying about what others think. I guess its kind of back to the whole “identity” issue that I have always struggled with. Learning to be me without being ashamed has been really freeing. I can pursue what I want and what I need without the overwhelming feeling of being judged ot looked down upon.

Another area has been showing me who I need to be dedicating my time for. For a long time ive always just “served” my wife but never really gave her my time. I did things for her, made her breakfast, bought her favorite groceries… but struggled to actually love her. At the end of the day… none of those things matter. All that matters is that she knows and feels my love. My true love. Not my service or my husband duties… but my genuine love. This is a major work in progress. But I do really feel like as I continue to straighten out other areas of my life… this issue has begun straightening itself as well.

Husbands must love there wives as Christ loves the church. Unconditionally.

Going along with the love and time theme… he has really been revealing the people in my life that deserve my time. I have spent more time hanging out with others in the last month then I have in the last 2 years, and it has been incredible. Our church group has been such a major encouragement to my life and most of them probably don’t even know it. I am so thankful for them.

Lastly, God has been totally exploding passions out of my heart. I am slowly but surely getting tuned in to my ultimate dream and passion. As I said on Friday I feel like certain things have happened for a reason. The only analogy I can come up with is its like having a massively huge bon fire all built and ready and a tiny tiny little spark has been lit at the bottom…. The only problem is…. There’s also a gigantic thunderstorm (my past demons, decisions, self-doubt, self-confidence, nonexistent courage) just waiting at the horizon to blow over. I am scared, nervous, lost and have no idea where or when or truly even if… to begin the pursuit, but I feel like these things aren’t happening for nothing. I am still prayerfully seeking guidance and not jumping on any impulses just yet. So if I could get some prayer warriors to lift these up… I would be so grateful.

I still am convinced we can change the world if we all follow our hearts and pursue fully our passions and dreams.  

Meltdowns, Panic Attacks, and an Inspiring Ending.

Meltdowns, Panic Attacks, and an Inspiring Ending.

So… this week has been incredibly interesting. Started off pretty good on Monday. Tuesday hit absolutely rock-bottom. Like all the way down. I don’t know what happened. I was sitting In my office… started thinking about playing my tennis match… and I started getting anxious, nervous, emotional and panicky. The thought of playing tennis started to make me sick to my stomach and nauseous. I literally sat in my office praying for rain. I found myself literally sobbing in my office. Sitting there almost uncontrollably crying. It took multiple phone calls to my Dad and some calming words and reassuring to finally get me to calm down. But I totally lost it. Why? I had fun playing tennis. I was excited about it when it started… so what the heck was this all about? We will look into this in a little bit… but I ended up not playing. Instead I went to Bible Study with Erin and had a fantastic time. Weds was a little bit better of a day as a whole. I did experience a bit of a anxiety attack Weds evening. Again no idea why it happened but I got home from the gym and literally had to lay down on the ground and focus on my breathing trying to calm down. Finally I told Erin I had to get outta of the house so we went on a little drive… came home ate dinner… and then went out for another drive just to get out of the house. I don’t know what happened. I literally felt like an animal caged. Like I was trying to break from something and couldn’t. Anyway Weds night did get better. Then we come to yesterday. Yesterday may turn out to be the most significant day of my life. I had a therapy session and probably got more out of this session then all the rest combined. I actually didn’t have one scheduled this week but out of desperation on Tuesday, I called and scheduled a last minute appointment. We started by trying to get dialed in to why the emotions came out regarding tennis. We explored and probed many aspects and came up with a chart that highlighted the emotion experienced, followed by what may have caused each and why I felt that way. Some good stuff came out. I feel like I am coming alive again. I went camping this past weekend and for the first time in years… I feel like I am developing some solid friendships. I haven’t had many friends over the past few years. I have held everyone at arms length. Now I am working on bringing people back. Finding new friends. Our church life group has had such and amazing impact on my life. Some of these new dudes I genuinely love and care about a lot and have become so happy to be around them. I think that’s one thing with Tennis. It was taking away an opportunity for me to fellowship with our new friends. I feel comfortable, welcomed, loved and supported around the couples in our life group. Developing these relationships means exponentially more to me then a few tennis matches. And oddly enough it turned out one of my buddies has a couple health concerns and he was curious about ways he may be able to help control these things… BINGO! Now we are speaking my language. So I got to try and help and encourage someone I care deeply about… so yes… tennis is a no go anymore. Things happen for a reason. Proof.

Anyway… back to my therapy session… we got really deep into some emotions I have been experiencing and some dreams and passions that are on my heart. We talked about taking baby steps into pursuing those passions and ways I can incorporate them into my everyday life. I really feel like the fire has been sparked and all its going to take is one little splash of some gasoline and this is going to explode out of my heart. I just need someone or something to provide that gas. I got into my car and once again started crying my eyes out but this time it was more positive. Yes I do feel like I am being held back by decisions ive made in my past… but at the same time I feel like for the first time in my life… I can see a door opening. The path is becoming visible and I can feel the tug on my heart. I feel like I know my purpose. I don’t know exactly how to get there or where the door leads too, but I think its opening. My heart and my arms are hide open reaching out and im praying so hard that something grabs a hold of them. I look around and see the potential that exists in the world and our community and all I want is to get it out. Create a change. Impact lives. Make the world a better place. I never ever want to see or hear about someone regretting a decision or a situation in their lives. Those ghosts still haunt me and I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy. I feel for the first time im ready to face the world head on am stronger then these demons that plague me. God… if your ready… I am ready.

One last thing. Never ever underestimate your impact on something that may seem “bigger then you”

I did something yesterday… I wont say what… but I reached out to someone much much much bigger then me and just sent a message of encouragement and praise and let them know that I was praying for them and they have impacted my life and inspired me to be the person I see myself being. They actually responded. Genuinely. And reminded me how much it means to THEM when people encourage them and just simply remind them that people are praying for THEM and the reassurance that they actually are an inspiration. So whether its your sibling, best friend, stranger, or favorite celebrity…. If you pray for someone or are inspired by someone…. TELL THEM. 

Dialing In

Dialing In

I went camping this weekend with some fellow church dudes. We had a blast. Great fellowship, great food, great weather, great time!

I genuinely enjoyed getting to know my new friends. I don’t have a whole lot of friends and I tend to keep to myself a bit despite the fact that I actually really enjoy hanging out with people. Not sure why, but im sure it has to do with everything ive been dealing with lately. But anyway… I learned a lot about myself this weekend. In a strange way I used our many hours around the camp fire to really observe other people and intently listen to people talk. I also kind of took everything people were talking about and sort of put it up against my own opinions and thoughts and really got dialed into myself… if that makes any sense.  It was cool seeing how different everyone is. How different I am. My whole life I’ve compared myself to people and always tried to be like them or be cool or fit in. But this weekend it was cool to hear what everyone is like and how its totally ok to be different. In fact, its cool to be different. It feels good to be different. Why would you want to be like everyone else? Boring. So anyway sitting there listening and talking about a whole range of topics was really interesting and really beneficial. However, I think the most important part of the trip was the hour and half I got to sit by myself around the camp fire while everyone else was still sleeping. I really used the time and the setting to get really deep into my heart and have a good quiet time. The warm fire, the breaking of dawn, and the rustling of the wild life around me really set the mood. The other day I listened to a 6-part podcast about the phases of a Man’s heart throughout his life. It was from the “Fathered By God” book by John Eldredge. So I guess coming off that recent podcast and the setting of the morning… I really got to do some quality soul searching. It was almost as if I became very content with myself. I became OK with who I am... accepting of myself, my personality, my interests and my traits. Not sure why or what about this little camping trip triggered these emotions but it did.

The rest of the weekend was great. The weather was incredible. I got FRIED on Sunday. Erin and I took a nice little trip to Chesapeake City park and brought a blanket and laid out for a couple hours. It was nice to just sit there and talk. Just us. No distractions, no phones, no people, just us. Sunday evening her parents took me out to dinner for my birthday. They gave me the coolest gift ever, my first ever THOMAS KINKADE painting. So sweet.

So it was a great weekend. I think in my quiet time I really focused in on my passion. What I want to do. Now I need to sit back, pray and maybe look into a couple things.