The Candle Dilemma

One of my biggest struggles in life is this overwhelming fear of not being prepared or more specifically running out of something. Many of you know I am slightly (read: ridiculously) infatuated with candles. I have a collection of Yankee Candles in a 5-Tier glass display cabinet in my “man cave”… I know… not exactly the first thing you may expect in such a place… but it’s what I like… so shut up.

They say the strongest sense tied to memory is smell. Not pictures, not sounds, not textures… but smell. Makes total sense when you really think about… what happens when you walk into your parents house on thanksgiving or come home to freshly baked cookies… your first initial sense to kick in is smell… which almost always immediately invokes a memory. Sorry for the scientific side note but it helps set up my point. Each of those candles I have holds a specific memory tied to them. Here’s my dilemma. I have never burned a single one. I cant. I would probably curb-stomp someone if they played a prank on me and lit on of them. Haha… but seriously. Many of them are “retired” or will never be made again. Some of them are based off special events like the “Boston Strong” candle in honor of the Boston marathon bombings. One of them is called “Treehouse Memories” which every time I give it a whiff I spend the next few minutes reminiscing those amazing days of being kids running around in the woods and building forts and bike jumps. I have two candles in my office (unlit) that I cant bring myself to light because what if once its finished I can’t find it anymore… the experience is over... forever. So I just keep it there. Unlit. Experiencing little glimpses of what it has to offer by opening the lid every once in a while.

I just told that story to basically set up a question. We have two options in life. We can hold on to everything we have as long as possible with the assumption that we will always have it. This comes at a price though… you never really truly get to enjoy it. Or the flip side is obviously enjoying something to its fullest. It may not last forever but its ok because you got the maximum amount of joy out of it. Besides something even better may come about which could be enjoyed even more.

After thinking about this for a minute I guess the real issue is something more like… the anticipation of joy is delaying joy. I keep looking forward to the day that I will allow myself to enjoy something…. When I know each day I always say its going to be the next day... well there’s going to become a point when the next day doesn’t come. And for someone like me that is terrifying being a forward-thinking “always planning for the future” kind of person…. Which isn’t a bad thing… except I am assuming the “future” is a long ways off. I am holding on to the thought that I am going to live for a long long time and I can enjoy something or wait to do something later… when the timing is better. Well friends I think there’s some truth in the old saying “there’s no time like the present”. Life is short. Really short for some. Go enjoy it!

As for me… im going home to light a candle.

Tomorrow. ;)

Second Steps

Second Step

Taking that Second step has always been something that I haven’t been able to do.

I am a master at planning things…considering all angles and issues… incorporating all the necessary resources available or needed for the task at hand… and putting together the most logical and efficient plan to get something done. I really am good at putting together the “first step” of something… however the next step… not so much.

I rarely ever follow through with a thought or plan. Besides being really good at the things mentioned above… I am also a master at second-guessing myself…considering…reconsidering… questioning….and ultimately end up talking myself out of something. I usually get nervous about the outcome and am terrified at the fear of failure. If it involves a substantial financial investment… the all these things just get exponentially worse. So inevitably  my master plan usually ends up remaining just a master plan. I rarely ever put something into action. Action.. the second step...

I can think of a million examples of this throughout my life. Some are small… like me never getting around to painting a picture in the style of Thomas Kinkade. Why? Well chances are it probably will not turn out quite as good as Thomas Kinkade. Yes I know he is a master professional painter but I would still judge myself to those standards… so after going out and buying all the supplies I needed, picked the picture I wanted to replicate… I never started. I got scared. Knew it wouldn’t turn out how I wanted, or thought it should… so I just quit before I ever even tried.

On a larger scale… this has plagued many major decisions I have had to make in my life. Specifically college. I went to a school that had so much available and so much potential and never once went to try and get out and get involved. I stuck super tight to the friends I had, that were familiar and that had everything in common with me. I was always too afraid to go out and meet new people or new groups. I never joined any clubs or organizations because I was afraid of being different… or even just the fear of the unknown. I picked my major because everyone else picked that major. Then even after I left that school… I had a chance to restart and maybe go down a road I actually wanted to go down… but I didn’t. I picked the same program that a buddy was in, chose a major based upon recommendations from those around me… instead of searching for my own interests and going after them. Up until after graduation from college and getting my first “career” job… I had never ever worked a job that I didn’t know somebody who could get me a leg-up. Why? I guess I just never wanted to take a chance or a risk without some sort of advantage. I think I always was just too afraid of doing anything on my own or doing something that I didn’t have all the information about. So here I sat… trying to figure out where to take my life from this point on… having to live with the fact that I have never once just said **** it…. And gone out to do exactly what I feel like I should do.

Why am I writing about this today???

I have an opportunity to go to a conference in Arizona during the end of October. It is hosted by a company that I support more then any other company and the idea behind what they are doing is literally exactly what I want to do with my life. Christian based fitness/wellness lifestyle. This conference is designed for fitness professionals or those passionate about pursuing this type of work… to learn to build and grow there gym or their business and how to incorporate Christian principles with exercise and fitness.  However I am finding myself questioning the decision on to go. I feel like I need to get the reasons out in the open for anyone to comment or encourage me. So here are my “issues”

• ·         I am scared that I don’t have enough knowledge or credentials to be taken serious by the other fitness professionals.
• ·         I am scared that this might confirm that this is exactly what I want to do with my life… but the amount of work that it might take to do this is too much to imagine
• ·         I am scared of the financial investment and what if it ends up being a waste?
• ·         I am scared of going to something of this magnitude alone.

I just never seem to be able to take that second step. To dive in, take a chance… go for gold for once. Playing the safe, easy or cautious card will rarely get you in trouble… but at the same time it often leaves you thinking “what could have been???”

I was with a buddy this weekend and through his actions and our discussions it seems like some many other people are able to live the “you only live once” motto as he is. Because… at the end of the day… you do only live once. Every day that goes by that you aren’t actively pursuing your dreams or fulfilling your life with that which truly makes you happy I think is a waste of a day. We don’t get these days back. I don’t want to get to be 65yrs old and sit and dream of what could have been. I need to start making these things happen. Or at least trying.  Because at least then I can say I tried and it wasn’t meant to be. But until you try… you will never know. 

It’s Been a while!

It’s Been a while!

Ahh back at the helm. I apologize to anyone who was interested in reading my posts for my absence of late. Not really sure what exactly caused the hiatus except for the fact that I really struggled to find anything to write about. I guess this could be considered a good thing and sort of proves that I actually have been feeling pretty good lately. I started some medication to help with some of my issues. The Prozac alone did not do a whole lot for me but after a myriad of tests for ADHA we have added an medicine called Tenex. It is a non-stimulant based ADHA medicine. It seems to have helped quite a bit. It helps me be able to focus a little bit better on tedious boring tasks. Anyway that’s all boring stuff… here are some recent events of this summer so far.

FIRST! … as I typically have used this as a platform to brag and boast about my wonderful wife, I need to give her a massive shout-out. She recently (Saturday) went into old navy to buy some new jeans and found out she fits in the smallest size she has ever been able to fit in!!!! I am so proud of her. She has lost 12 pant sizes to date. So so so awesome! She also just started a 12-week training program for the Wicked 10k that she is running in late October with some friends. So any encouragement sent her way would be great as this is a long and difficult commitment.

Next… I recently took my first ever trip to the emergency room. Last week I was at the gym and pulled an idiotic move. It wasn’t that I actually did something stupid or that I shouldn’t have been doing… but I exercised very poor workout-programming. I have recently been trying to follow crossfit.com and perform there posted workouts each day as a challenge and because I have been bored with my old routine and want to incorporate different movements into my workouts…. So anyway… I missed a workout that was posted so I decided to double up workouts and perform the previous day’s workout followed by the current days posted workout. The first was 10 rounds of 100m sprint – straight into 15 push-ups. Doesn’t look that difficult at all… but it freaking SUCKED! You never realize how much you use your arms/shoulders to pump during a sprint until you have to drop and do 15 pushups immediately. By round 4 I was dying… but did manage to finish the workout in about 11 minutes. So then I took a breather and started the next workout which consisted of 5 rounds of 500m row/ 15 box jumps/ 5 225# deadlifts … so I began… the row was fine… the first 13 box jumps were fine… then on the 14^th rep of the box jumps my right foot made it, and my left toe snagged the edge of the box…. Came crashing down on my shin and ripped a 1.5in gash in my shin. Oooowwwww. Also managed to scrape and bruise my left knee as my leg slip down the box but didn’t realize that until the next day… so anyway … with blood pouring out of my shin I drove myself to the hospital and got 9 stitches. My doctor was cool she was a younger lady from JMU who actually used to do CrossFit so when I told her what happened she laughed and said she’s seen that plenty of times. So I told her to hurry up because I still had 4 rounds to finish. HA! As I said this was my first experience in a hospital so the whole process was interesting. I wont go into the details but parts of it hurt like a champ. I had called Erin as I was leaving the gym and non-chalantly told her what happened and then mid sentence I had to hang-up to fill out an accident report… so I called her back and got chewed out because I told her I was going to the hospital but I had to call her back! haha! The funniest part of the whole thing was Shannon, Erin’s sister, was the first to get to the hospital to check on me. Now you have to know something about the Waugh family… Erin, Shannon and her Dad will pass out if a hangnail starts bleeding so when Shannon walked into the room and saw my leg it was bad news. She tried to stay out in the hall way but inevitably was forced to the bathroom and pretty much passed out and got sick. Erin and her Dad both came back at time but both had to remain in the hall so the same didn’t happen! I thought it was funny and the doctor was also laughing about it. I am usually the only person in the family who can handle those injury/bloody situation but I was the one getting my leg sewed up! But yah anyway it was really dumb on my part to try and do a sprint workout… followed right into a box jump workout… legs were tired…. It was inevitable. One really awesome thing that came out of it was that I we got just another confirmation that we have the best friends in the world. Our neighbors (Ben and Ashely)  came up to the hospital at a drop of hat after Erin asked if they could some stay with me while she tried to take care of Shannon. “2 am friends” at the best.

On a more positive note… I had the opportunity to lead our bible study discussion last Sunday and received some really good positive feedback. This was good because I was super nervous about it and don’t necessarily consider myself to be the greatest teacher in the world. The discussion went great and It was a nice little confidence boost. I was given a relatively difficult chapter in Romans 11 but thought we worked through it well.

Erin and I had a great trip to Atlanta with her family a few weeks ago. We managed two Braves games and a trip to the Coca-Cola museum and the George Aquarium in the span of 48 hours. Busy, quick but fun.

So to wrap up this post I just  wanted to say that I do plan of getting back into writing these. I need to find something to focus on instead of just babbling about life. I would like to turn this into more of a focused themed blog. Anyone have any ideas please let me know!

It's Coming back.

I felt it. It was back. Things were different. Things felt different. Things seemed different. It was different. Feelings I hadn’t felt in a long time were pouring back. Life.

Ben and Ashely, Craig and Ashely, and Erin and I spent a wonderful weekend together.

This weekend we were invited to spend a couple days at our friends (Craig and Ashely) parents time-share condo in Massanauten. A little R&R retreat in the mountains. We drove up Thursday evening after work in the midst of a crazy bad thunderstorm. Luckily this didn’t set the tone for the trip because it was sure was a gnarly storm. Most people had pulled off the road to wait it out. NOT US! Haha we trudged on.

Not getting in until late Thursday night we didn’t do to much but unpack and go to sleep. Friday was a crazy busy day. We got up ate and headed out to hike the ridge trail along the top of the mountain. We probably did about 4 miles through some relatively challenging rocks and passages. Craig, Ben and I spent some moments climbing trees, rocks and occasionally bypassing the trail for a more difficult line. We found some amazing overlooks and as always had many good laughs and conversations. After lunch the guys went and played golf and the girls headed to the pool with Craig and Ashely’s 1.5 year old. Golf was interesting to say the least. Deer, ground hogs and beavers were all over the course which added a really cool element. The course was hard but fun and we had the entire place to ourselves. It took about 5.5 hours so the ladies prepared a fantastic dinner that was all ready when we got home. After dinner, and after an incredibly long day, we all posted up on the couches in our “pajamas” and played a game. Good times and lots of laughs. It was a great finish to a great day. Saturday we headed to the big indoor/outdoor waterpark at the resort and had a blast. I GOT ERIN TO GO DOWN A WATER SLIDE! ANNNNNNNNNNNND SHE LOVED IT! Haha. Really stoked. Between water slides, hot tubs and lazy rivers we had a great time. And wouldn’t you believe just as the trip began we got caught in another gnarly thunderstorm as we were trying to pack up to go home. I wish I could tell you that we got to spend Sunday at home quietly recovering from a busy couple days but nope! Church at 8am, bible study at 9:30, Tides game at 1:05, and Erin and 3 of the girls from church went to a painting class and the husbands babysat two 7 year old twins and the 1.5 year old from about 6-10. So no lazy Sunday for us! So anyway… that was the summary of what we did and what actually happened this weekend. But SO much more came out of it.

This weekend was amazing as well on a more emotional level. All the stuff that I mentioned above was fun and exciting but it was all the other moments that actually made the trip. I loved how we ate all our meals family style. I loved how we spent hours talking and laughing and sharing stories before, after, during all the meals. Getting up before everyone else and finding Ben outside on the back deck reading and going out to spend a few minutes of the early morning hours with him. Watching Ashley and Craig parent the little guy and almost feeling like all six of us were parents to him. Long car rides, long car conversations, playing road trip games to pass the time. It felt like family. I never felt tired of anyone or felt like… ok… im ready to go home…. And not even once feeling on Sunday like… I just spent 3 days with these people and now we all have to babysit… I need a break! It was great. I think for the first time in a long long time I have friends again. Friends I love. Friends I know I can call at 2am if I needed anything. Best friends if you will. I am usually so closed off. Usually don’t let anyone in. Always felt like I was different or something. Even outside of these two couples at church on Sunday I found myself more intrigued to get to know other people. Its like I finally found some friends and I want more. Its awesome. It feel good. Life feels good. Life feels like its coming back. I am so thankful for my church and what has come from it. Had we never switched churches last year none of this would have happened. I now 100% know and feel why God allowed that to happened. He knew what he had coming for us and I am so thankful. Life is good. 

Experiencing God

Experiencing God

I wont lie. I miss writing this blog on a more regular basis. I have just been at a loss for topics lately. I realize my life is not interesting enough to generate readers when I post random little updates. So I have been looking for something I can focus on again. As discussed many times in the past, I am not very good at sticking to something unless there is a designated path and clear view of an objective or a schedule of some sort. So I decided I am going to blog about working through the bible study “Experiencing God” that we are doing in our bi-weekly bible study group. This is a twelve week course that we are dragging out through the end of 2014. In fact we wrap the study up the week before Christmas so it kind of fit perfectly. I am very excited about this study. We just finished the first “weeks” course and met last night to talk about it in our group. The study is structured with five lessons per week for 12 weeks. Since we only meet on the 1^st and 3^rd Tuesday nights each month we are getting an extra week for each “week”. This is nice because it allows you to really focus and dial in to the study. I try to do a lesson every other day. Each takes anywhere between 20-45 minutes so I try to use it for my morning quiet time. Like I said I am extremely excited for this study. On the first introductory night we all passed around our books and signed everyone’s so that we have a support network and can hold each other accountable to the covenant that we signed in our own books. I am famous for getting through about a third of a bible study, miss a week and never get back to finish.

Like I said earlier I am really stoked on this one. I absolutely have accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and believe in my heart that I have been saved through God’s grace. However… I am definitely selfish in nature and I find my self usually praying mostly selfish prayers. I realize I usually end up advising God on how he can work in my life or reminding him of the things that I WANT to happen or that I NEED in my life… like he doesn’t already know. So you could almost say ive switched the equation and been trying to have it so God is experiencing me. So even in the first week of this study I have really heard God saying…. STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. CHILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OUT! PUMP THE BREAKS there killer. I got your back. Now I am not saying that I believe that God doesn’t want us to be ambitious or pursue our dreams… not at all. But I feel like your dreams and ambitions will be revealed to you once you truly begin to experience God. One of the major points of the week was that we need to ask God the right questions. The most common prayer is usually… “God, What is your will for MY life?” How selfish! Instead we need to stop a few words short. “God, what is your will.(PERIOD)”

Once we really get focused on learning what God’s will is… we can begin to learn and explore our piece in the puzzle. We have a tendency to think… man I feel like God is telling me to go to Africa and save the world…. So God please make that happen! Then we expect that since we FEEL like that is what is in our hearts we need to be the next Mother Teresa to Africa and be the main point man for the mission. But I don’t think it works like that which is why I think we are usually so dissatisfied. I think if we understand that ok… I feel like God wants a team to go serve in Africa… OK good. We have established the WILL OF GOD. Now we can begin to find out how God wants  us to work in this. It may be that in fact you get to be the point-man for the trip. You may be put in a position to be the trip director and not even be able to go… but you are tasked with coordinating all the major details. And that is ok. God might just say… you need to pray for this team to go to Africa… I have different plans for you. And we have to be ok with this. This is so hard.

I struggle so much with this. I am a planner. I don’t worry about tomorrow… because I worried about tomorrow about three months ago. Right now im planning for the fall in my head. I know it sucks.

I also want answers. I want to know the future. I want to know if I am where I am because I am stubborn and made a ton of wrong decisions in life or if God directed me here and has a plan. I just want to KNOW!

So that’s what I have dedicated the rest of 2014 to. Every single time I turned the page of this study and read the next passage, verse or paragraph almost each one resonated the same thing in me. STOP. SLOW DOWN. LET GO. REST. As Casting Crowns puts it… JUST BE HELD. Stop asking God to grab hold of me as I go about my journey… but I need to grab hold of God and go along his journey.

So that’s my plan. But at the same time that doesn’t mean im going to completely stop pursuing things. I will continue to reach out, talk to people, seek guidance and ask questions, pursue opportunities…. But do so in a much more relaxed sense. Not get so excited when something tiny happens and expect it to work out to the way it does In my dreams. If I through a line out… and some thing bites… then pray and pursue it… But leave it up to God to work it out. Not try and force everything. So here’s to the back half of 2014!

OH! The places they’ll go.

OH! The places they’ll go.

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

To anyone involved in any way, shape or form with the school system… you know today the day teachers and students alike have been waiting for since early September. OK… maybe not quite September but after the holidays the countdowns begin, and after spring break the countdowns reallllllly begin. Warm weather, long sunny days, SOL’s complete… we all remember those last few weeks of school that just dragggggggggg on.

Today is funny day for me. On one hand, growing up with a mom in the school system and now married to a teacher, I have longed for the days of being able to eat dinner and talk about something other then school! Spending Sunday afternoons at my parents house with no student and school stories to share! No more helping grade papers over the weekends! No more making crafts and food and buying supplies for the kids! No more trying to watch football while Erin is watching Youtube videos of teaching idea! No more dealing with the bad days! No more Friday nights at the school’s talent show! SUMMER!

Yet… on the other hand... our dinner conversations… are when she gets to ask me what I think about something at school or for my advice… Sunday afternoons are such great opportunities for my mom and my wife to bond and feed off of each other and share a genuine common interest….reading the answers that kids come up can be extremely entertaining… making robots out of juice boxes and raisins and hot-coco filled ornaments and endless cupcakes are not only something that Erin and I get to do together… I usually end up having as much fun as the kids do!... OK ill admit I will not miss the youtube videos… hearing the bad stories or the SOL-stress-induced rants give me an opportunity to be the voice of reason and support Erin… and ill be honest I have yet to go to a school function and not had a great time and laughed hysterically at those crazy kids…. And now its all over… BUMMER!

OK… its not OVER… and I think that’s the best thing about it… we just get a nice little break… just enough time to realize you actually miss all those things… and then it starts again.

This was Erin’s first full school year as last year she was hired in December, so this was her first true class that she got to watch and develop from start to finish. I think there is always something super special about the “first” anything. The smiles, tears, anger and love experienced this year will be remembered forever…. And I love that we get to experience it together. Watching someone do something that they are so incredibly passionate about is one of the most amazing things ever. I had the privilege to attend a few school functions and spend a few days in her classroom with her, as well as many after school programs, and it is 1000% apparent that she was created to do this. She loves her kids like they are her own. She cares for them like they are her own. She lives with them and through them and for 9 months of the year she is 100% dedicated to their well-being. I feel so blessed to be married to someone with the passion, love and drive to make sure her kids succeed.

Its really not fair. To all teachers I really apologize. You guys deserve so much more. More respect. More resources. More pay. More support. Every single person who has gone through school can look back to a teacher who impacted their life. We all have that one teacher (or more) that sparked something in our heart. So please all Teachers… give yourselves a pat on the back and take your well deserved summer vacation.

I know its bitter sweet to see the kids go. Erin always tells me how fun it is to watch how much a child can grow in 9 months. But… its time to see them off! Each one of them has the potential to change the world and you have prepared them to do so. You never know what impact you might have had on that child… and that must be such exciting feeling to know that you may have been the catalyst for something to accomplish something great. Teachers provide the spark for all great things.

I know today Erin will read “OH! The places you’ll go” to her kids right before they leave and there is ZERO chance she will get through it without crying, but please just remember sweetheart, that you changed those kids lives this year… and as you tearfully usher them off… remember that it wont be long until those desks are filled with another whole group ready to be transformed. You are great. Your passion and hard work is appreciated. I love you!

I just want to also say a massive thank you to all my friends and colleagues and family members in the school systems!  

Home

Home

What is home? … A house? An apartment? A condo? A place of residence? The place you lay your head down at the end of day?

I have a confession. Many of you know this about me. Hampton Roads is not my favorite place in the world. It isn’t exactly where I want to reside forever. However it is…my home.

I love my home. So in a round-a-bout way I love where I live. Does it hold the physical features I long for? (snowy mountains)…. No. Is it a small town without traffic lights with long winding country roads lined with year long lasting fall foliage and picket fences separating farmlands and colorful maple trees?.... No. But I don’t really think any of this matters. It’s a minor inconvenience. I think “Home” is defined within your heart.

Why am I writing about this today? Because this weekend I truly felt like I was home.

Thursday night eating dinner with Erin’s family… annoying showing up late… making us wait… but then spending an hour laughing telling stories and watching stupid youtube videos at the restaurant….i feel home.

Friday night we had one of our most favorite people in the whole wide world come over as she was visiting from Lynchburg. Sitting around a sharing life stories together and reminiscing on past events….thats when I feel home.

Saturday evening a whole bunch of us met up at Chesapeake city park, packed picnic dinners, sat around for a couple hours in the beautiful sunshine waiting for the sun to fade to watch an outdoor viewing of “The Goonies”, having “boy time” taking my newly adopted nephews over to the play ground to watch them play, only to realize how much fun monkey bars and swings can be as a grown-up, sitting around in lawn chairs watching the movie with laughing, eating popcorn, unexpectedly freezing our butts off sharing blanks amongst eachother, watching my beautiful wife and all her friends laughing, dancing around, loving life, snapchatting eachother just to annoy me, and then telling everyone embarrassing stories about me…. I feel home.

Spending all Sunday morning at church services and bible studies fellowshipping amongst our life group. Spending lazy Sundays around the pool hanging out with friends, getting roped into playing pool tag with those crazy boys again, and then unexpected heart to hearts with people you care the most about…. So much so… that they made you wayyyy behind schedule trying to make dinner for my parents who were coming over, sitting around the living room watching Erin so happy and excited to show off her students “memories of the year” book her students made for her and listening to her tell stories while showing pictures from the yearbook, having my parents help us decide where to put next year’s Christmas tree… in June …. I feel home.

 So to answer the question posed at the start of this post… home is none of those.

Home is your family.

Home is your friends.

Home is your friends that have become family.

Home is Sunday afternoons by the pool

Home is Saturday nights at the drive-in

Home is your Church when you get upset that the service ends so soon.

Home is that moment you realize you found your “2AM” friends.

Home is sitting with your sife out front watching the sun set on a quiet evening dreaming of life

Home is your heart.

O.A.R. wrote a song titled “I feel home” and it’s is one of those songs that the words have always stuck with me. Go listen to it.