Meltdowns, Panic Attacks, and an Inspiring Ending.

Meltdowns, Panic Attacks, and an Inspiring Ending.

So… this week has been incredibly interesting. Started off pretty good on Monday. Tuesday hit absolutely rock-bottom. Like all the way down. I don’t know what happened. I was sitting In my office… started thinking about playing my tennis match… and I started getting anxious, nervous, emotional and panicky. The thought of playing tennis started to make me sick to my stomach and nauseous. I literally sat in my office praying for rain. I found myself literally sobbing in my office. Sitting there almost uncontrollably crying. It took multiple phone calls to my Dad and some calming words and reassuring to finally get me to calm down. But I totally lost it. Why? I had fun playing tennis. I was excited about it when it started… so what the heck was this all about? We will look into this in a little bit… but I ended up not playing. Instead I went to Bible Study with Erin and had a fantastic time. Weds was a little bit better of a day as a whole. I did experience a bit of a anxiety attack Weds evening. Again no idea why it happened but I got home from the gym and literally had to lay down on the ground and focus on my breathing trying to calm down. Finally I told Erin I had to get outta of the house so we went on a little drive… came home ate dinner… and then went out for another drive just to get out of the house. I don’t know what happened. I literally felt like an animal caged. Like I was trying to break from something and couldn’t. Anyway Weds night did get better. Then we come to yesterday. Yesterday may turn out to be the most significant day of my life. I had a therapy session and probably got more out of this session then all the rest combined. I actually didn’t have one scheduled this week but out of desperation on Tuesday, I called and scheduled a last minute appointment. We started by trying to get dialed in to why the emotions came out regarding tennis. We explored and probed many aspects and came up with a chart that highlighted the emotion experienced, followed by what may have caused each and why I felt that way. Some good stuff came out. I feel like I am coming alive again. I went camping this past weekend and for the first time in years… I feel like I am developing some solid friendships. I haven’t had many friends over the past few years. I have held everyone at arms length. Now I am working on bringing people back. Finding new friends. Our church life group has had such and amazing impact on my life. Some of these new dudes I genuinely love and care about a lot and have become so happy to be around them. I think that’s one thing with Tennis. It was taking away an opportunity for me to fellowship with our new friends. I feel comfortable, welcomed, loved and supported around the couples in our life group. Developing these relationships means exponentially more to me then a few tennis matches. And oddly enough it turned out one of my buddies has a couple health concerns and he was curious about ways he may be able to help control these things… BINGO! Now we are speaking my language. So I got to try and help and encourage someone I care deeply about… so yes… tennis is a no go anymore. Things happen for a reason. Proof.

Anyway… back to my therapy session… we got really deep into some emotions I have been experiencing and some dreams and passions that are on my heart. We talked about taking baby steps into pursuing those passions and ways I can incorporate them into my everyday life. I really feel like the fire has been sparked and all its going to take is one little splash of some gasoline and this is going to explode out of my heart. I just need someone or something to provide that gas. I got into my car and once again started crying my eyes out but this time it was more positive. Yes I do feel like I am being held back by decisions ive made in my past… but at the same time I feel like for the first time in my life… I can see a door opening. The path is becoming visible and I can feel the tug on my heart. I feel like I know my purpose. I don’t know exactly how to get there or where the door leads too, but I think its opening. My heart and my arms are hide open reaching out and im praying so hard that something grabs a hold of them. I look around and see the potential that exists in the world and our community and all I want is to get it out. Create a change. Impact lives. Make the world a better place. I never ever want to see or hear about someone regretting a decision or a situation in their lives. Those ghosts still haunt me and I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy. I feel for the first time im ready to face the world head on am stronger then these demons that plague me. God… if your ready… I am ready.

One last thing. Never ever underestimate your impact on something that may seem “bigger then you”

I did something yesterday… I wont say what… but I reached out to someone much much much bigger then me and just sent a message of encouragement and praise and let them know that I was praying for them and they have impacted my life and inspired me to be the person I see myself being. They actually responded. Genuinely. And reminded me how much it means to THEM when people encourage them and just simply remind them that people are praying for THEM and the reassurance that they actually are an inspiration. So whether its your sibling, best friend, stranger, or favorite celebrity…. If you pray for someone or are inspired by someone…. TELL THEM. 

Dialing In

Dialing In

I went camping this weekend with some fellow church dudes. We had a blast. Great fellowship, great food, great weather, great time!

I genuinely enjoyed getting to know my new friends. I don’t have a whole lot of friends and I tend to keep to myself a bit despite the fact that I actually really enjoy hanging out with people. Not sure why, but im sure it has to do with everything ive been dealing with lately. But anyway… I learned a lot about myself this weekend. In a strange way I used our many hours around the camp fire to really observe other people and intently listen to people talk. I also kind of took everything people were talking about and sort of put it up against my own opinions and thoughts and really got dialed into myself… if that makes any sense.  It was cool seeing how different everyone is. How different I am. My whole life I’ve compared myself to people and always tried to be like them or be cool or fit in. But this weekend it was cool to hear what everyone is like and how its totally ok to be different. In fact, its cool to be different. It feels good to be different. Why would you want to be like everyone else? Boring. So anyway sitting there listening and talking about a whole range of topics was really interesting and really beneficial. However, I think the most important part of the trip was the hour and half I got to sit by myself around the camp fire while everyone else was still sleeping. I really used the time and the setting to get really deep into my heart and have a good quiet time. The warm fire, the breaking of dawn, and the rustling of the wild life around me really set the mood. The other day I listened to a 6-part podcast about the phases of a Man’s heart throughout his life. It was from the “Fathered By God” book by John Eldredge. So I guess coming off that recent podcast and the setting of the morning… I really got to do some quality soul searching. It was almost as if I became very content with myself. I became OK with who I am... accepting of myself, my personality, my interests and my traits. Not sure why or what about this little camping trip triggered these emotions but it did.

The rest of the weekend was great. The weather was incredible. I got FRIED on Sunday. Erin and I took a nice little trip to Chesapeake City park and brought a blanket and laid out for a couple hours. It was nice to just sit there and talk. Just us. No distractions, no phones, no people, just us. Sunday evening her parents took me out to dinner for my birthday. They gave me the coolest gift ever, my first ever THOMAS KINKADE painting. So sweet.

So it was a great weekend. I think in my quiet time I really focused in on my passion. What I want to do. Now I need to sit back, pray and maybe look into a couple things.

Vapors

I feel like mentally and emotionally I am running on empty this week. My heart is screaming out. Reality silences it. Dreams grow big. Reality deflates. Passions erupt. Reality douses. My desires are dug out. Reality buries.

Crappy day. Feeling especially beat down by the ghosts of my past. This song pretty much sums its up.

“Tell Me Now” – We Came as Romans

Stuck at a fork in the road,
Which way should I go?
One path leads me home,
The other leaves me alone

The impact of one choice is so endless
Can't even think of how it plays out in time
Through the years, it's still there
Won't disappear
The impact of one choice is so endless
Through all these years, it still won't disappear

So tell me now,
'Cause I don't wanna stay
In the dark for so long
While my whole life gets away
Is the secret out?
Will anybody say
The clearest path to start down,
Or which road is right to take?

Carefully,
I think of
Ways out now
'Cause I don't want to hold in
This burden
Weighs so heavily
the thought of
What I love
Being swayed,
unstable choices I might make

Through all these years, it still won't disappear
Through all these years, it still won't disappear

So tell me now,
'Cause I don't wanna stay
In the dark for so long
While my whole life gets away
Is the secret out?
Will anybody say
The clearest path to start down,
Or which road is right to take?

So tell me now,
'Cause I don't wanna stay
Left in the dark for so long
While my whole life gets away

Is the secret out?
Will anybody say
The clearest path to start down,
Or which road is right to take?

The impact of one choice is so endless
The impact of one choice is so endless

So tell me now, so tell me now
So tell me now,
'Cause I don't wanna stay
Left in the dark for so long
While my whole life gets away
Is the secret out?
Will anybody say
The clearest path to start down,
Or which road is right to take?

Selfies

Selfies

Sometimes I think it is important for everyone to take a “selfie”. So go ahead… grab your smart phone… hold your arm out… or find a mirror… pucker your lips… and snap it. Done? Good.

Hopefully nobody just did that. And for God’s sake if you did… please don’t post it on facebook….or istagram…or twitter… in fact go blow up your phone.

But seriously.

When was the last time you just stopped for a second in the morning, while you’re getting ready, and just starred at yourself. Looked deep into your own eyes and taken a little inventory? I think this is important. I guess it’s a sort of meditation in a way. Just looking at yourself… asking questions of yourself. Are you who you wanted to be? Are you who you feel like you were created to be? Are you going through the motions of life? Or are you creating the motions of life? Are you happy with yourself? Happy with who you’ve become, who you are growing up to be?

I think these are crucial questions to ask yourself. I have been doing a lot of pondering of these questions. I am a text book example of someone who has been just going through the motions in life. I have been struggling to see my life as purposeful. This blog has invited some sense of purpose for me. I hope it still reaches and benefits people. If nothing else I at least hope anyone who reads it enjoys the couple minutes each week it takes to read these. I actually enjoy being open and honest and really have found great joy in writing. But that being said… I still have really struggling finding my purpose in life. I stare into my own eyes and still see so much potential absolutely screaming to come out. I almost compare it to a tiger in captivity. There is a fire burning inside to do something powerful but the world and my past ghosts continue to beat me back to the ground. Regrets plague me. I have been trying really hard lately to accept them and move on. Very hard to do. Each time I give myself a good stare down I see all the things I should have done differently. All the things I wished I could go back and change. So many times in life I’ve wanted to put my fist so far through that mirror and go back and change things thinking I can always come back and rebuild the mirror, piece it back together the way I want it look, I want me to look.

The problem is you can’t. You can never go back. No mulligan’s in life. The sooner you/I accept this and embrace the future… the sooner we become happy. And happiness is the goal of life in my opinion.

Not money, not possessions, not all the other things of this world. Happiness. Happiness can be obtained with and from nothing.

My most recent and frequent prayer has been for God to show me my purpose. Help me remove the blindfolds of my past and steer the ship. The world tells us to fight for the helm and never let it go. YOU/WE have all the control. NEVER GIVE IT UP.

Friends, that is so not the way. Let it go. You must let it go. I must let it go. I’m 3 days away from being 27 years old. I am young. I have so many years to come, so many years to change the world, do good, spread joy. Love. You can’t be the change you want to see in the world if you won’t let yourself be the change you want to see in yourself. The world will beat you down, tell you, you can’t do that… be that… it’s too late… you aren’t good enough, smart enough, this dream is going to take too long, be too hard, cost to much, might require drastic change… STOP

Just stop. Have faith, believe in yourself. Let it go. Leave the worries behind. Have faith. Step out of the boat.

Tonight, tomorrow, right now… sometime soon… take a good long mental selfie. 

Focus on the Family

Focus on the Family

Recently a lot has been revealed to me about the importance of family. In fact I would argue that a whole host of societal problems that are plaguing the country right now could be solved by focusing on the family. Nowadays ours lives are so busy and so full of things going on that often times the good old-fashioned family time is not even an after-thought, Its non-existent. I have always been a huge believer and proponent in the values of the family dynamic in a persons life. How many times do we need to observe the troubled kids from troubled families problem? My heart absolutely breaks for kids in these situations as well as the other family members involved. I really do 100% believe that there is nothing more important in a parents life then their children. I think the hierarchy of life should go God-(immediate)Family-Best Friends-Extended Family-Friends. I don’t think you have to look to hard to see the importance of this. I can’t tell you how many kids I came across working at summer camps for all those years and how you could tell which kids came from which type of family. I think there are many important things that should happen to develop a strong family. You can always make new friends, but you’re stuck with your family. Some of the many things that I (and Erin) have talked about and hold as extremely important to us. Obviously these are solely my opinions and im not saying I am 100% right its just what I believe.

Dinner. Dinners should ALWAYS be conducted TOGETHER void of all forms of media. No TV, no phones, no tablets, no NOTHING! Dinner should be held around a table and should be a time where the family can decompress TOGETHER and share life and share stories and experiences from the day. I come from an Italian family so it was nothing for our family dinners to last for hours. And some of the greatest times and conversations and laughs that I can remember from growing up were around the dinner table. I know this can be difficult with the crazy lives everyone has nowadays (which is another topic I wont even touch right now) but I think time should be made for family dinner. Part of the problem in today’s society is parents and kids don’t have the relationship I believe they should. People don’t talk, don’t ask questions, don’t express thoughts, dreams, interests enough with each other anymore. We are all so pre-occupied. Once you walk in the door from work or school or whatever… it should be family time. At least that’s how I feel.

Piggy-Backing off the Dinner situation – I feel like family nights are hugely important. This does not mean sitting around watching TV or movies all the time… but have fun, go outside, play a game, do a picnic, take a walk, experience life together…. But do it without your phones and devices and DISTRACTIONS. Nothing says “you really don’t care” better then being half engaged and constantly checking your phone or whatever.

Travel- First of all, I totally understand not everyone can financially afford to travel but I’m not necessarily talking about a yearly trip to slope-side Breckenridge or an all-inclusive Caribbean Vacation. This could be as simple as getting in the car and driving to a lake, a local farm or farmers market, beach day, museums, ANYTHING to get out of your comfort zone or get out of the house and the familiar environment to experience the world. Sometimes I don’t even think this requires leaving the house. “Travel” outside and rake the leaves with your kids. Wash the cars, make chores fun! Nothing is more fun as a kid then jumping in a huge pile of leaves with your parents and wrestling your dad to the ground and shoving leaves down his shirt. (until he gets you back exponentially worse the you got him)

Work – Work should- at all costs- stay at work. I know its impossible in todays world but I really feel like we should make every effort to make this a huge priority. I actually think this is the biggest problem in our society. We are 100% connected at all times and with the crappy economy most people have to stay on top of things for security. This is hard for some people… I know Erin either has to stay at work for 80hrs a week or bring home her papers and grade at home. My Dad works from home… so he virtually has no “hours” and it on the clock 24/7. Ask him… although it has its obvious advantages, there are twice as many disadvantages. When people feel like work takes precedence over them they will find something to take precedence over you. Downward spiral from there.

Now…. You might be thinking… what the heck is this blog all about? Your 26, been married for 2 years, and don’t even have kids!

Well… first of all I enjoy writing. A lot actually. But I don’t always enjoy writing directly about myself. I have a lot opinions and views on things and spend the better part of my life thinking about stuff. I am always thinking about ways that I can make the world a better place. How can I impact the world? How can I put a bug in someones head and maybe get them thinking about something they could potentially change and make life better for there and other people’s lives. Also, I think my background has a huge impact on how I view stuff like this. Being involved in both 4H and Triple R summer camps for so many summers, there were actually kids who I could tell reached out to me to be the father-figure that they don’t have. Or spend time, talk, listen, love them like they don’t get at home. I’ll never forgot the day I freaking lost it and totally broke down when I had a kid latch on to me and beg me to let him stay at camp with me for the whole summer. He DID NOT want to go back home. He did not want to go back to his FAMILY. I would be willing to bet there aren’t too many family dinners or outings for that kid.

I personally cannot freaking wait to be a Dad.

“It is finished”

“It is finished”

Yes I am quoting Jesus, however I am also referring to the end of the meaning of holidays. If you’ve ever been around me during the holidays you know I have some serious issues with them. Consumerism and commercialism has completely ruined holidays. I can’t stand it. First of all… I guess I have a slight bias in that I really am not very fond of presents and gifts. My idea of the perfect “gift” for a holiday is quality time spent with someone. It just irritates me. This weekend is a perfect example. This weekend we observe the beating, crucifixion, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Arguable this should be the largest “holiday” in the Christian faith. This is such a special weekend in our faith and I am glad we use it as a time to get together, go to church(BUT PLEASE KEEP GOING NEXT WEEK NOT JUST ON EASTER!) and spend time with our families giving thanks for the sacrifice of Jesus. But where in the world did the Easter Bunny come from? Please don’t even answer that because even if you know the history or the story behind it… its stupid. Why do we have an Easter bunny and pastel colored eggs and candy galore and special “Easter” edition everything? Why did we decide to take another super special day in history and ruin it by creating yet another day that we all seem to think we need to buy eachother gifts and make sure we all get together as a family to eat or have all these big festivals with easter egg hunts, and peeps and candy everywhere? WHY? Where in the world is the connection between how we view the Easter holiday… and its actual meaning? Peeps… do NOT have anything to do with Jesus’s death OR resurrection. It really frustrates me. Don’t even get me started on Christmas.

I love Christmas. I really really do. Probably more then most people. Ask Erin… I am a sucker for the holidays. BUT I cant stand what they have turned into. Presents…. Gifts…. Sales…. Santa?....

What about….. CHRIST?!?! We cant even call it CHRISTMAS and more its…. “the holidays”. I’ve always heard that it was actually Coca-Cola that created the “Santa Claus” as we know him today with the red suit… white beard… big old jolly fella. Makes sense…. Coca-Cola…Red&White… makes you fat… hah! But seriously I just get so irritated at the way we have come to treat the holidays. Stores put out the products MONTHS in advanced. And then it creates a culture of comparison… everyone wants to get the bigger TV or the new lexus or what ever it is. I am going to refrain from even talking about BLACK FRIDAY because I will end up using many explicative’s and probably get myself in trouble. Here’s another thing that really grinds my gears… When people are out to eat during the holidays… and say something like… “it’s a shame these waiters have to work on Thanksgiving” …. THEN GO HOME AND COOK YOUR OWN FOOD! I was so stoked to see that Bj’s and Sam’s were closed yesterday. Everyone always says like “yah the holidays are all about spending time with loved ones…. Unless I need my service then yall better be working!” It makes me mad. Rant over. All that to say… lets remember the reasons behind the holidays. I think July 4^th is about the only holiday we actually celebrate correctly. It’s a celebration. So we celebrate! Memorial Day???.... since when does honoring the fallen service members warrant a “summer kick-off party”??? Seriously. Ugh. Lame.

Anyway. Life is getting much better. My sister comes home tomorrow from being gone since Mid-November so I am looking forward to seeing her… (a little) J

Short and Sweet

“It is finished” probably the greatest words ever spoken on the saddest yet most wonderfully promising day in history. Today we celebrate Jesus’ death on the cross and all He gave for us. He gave his life so we may have ours. Amazing. Indescribable. The ultimate sacrifice.  We must never forget what Jesus did for us in death… BUT…also in life. I love reading the stories of His ministry in the new testament. He portrayed the ultimate example of love. He is love. He may have "finished" his mission as a human-being on this planet... but he is nowhere near finished with us, guiding our lives to carrying out his mission. It's our turn to carry the torch and keep it moving. Jesus is moving in us. 

Here is a weekend Challenge.

In honor of the life that Jesus lived, as followers he has called us to mirror, let’s try and do something nice or unexpected or just show love to someone that might not deserve it or might not be expecting it. It doesn’t have to be huge, expensive or some big “look at me” event. Just do something. Hold the door for someone, treat them to a coffee, buy a doughnut for a homeless person… any thing! As long as it shows you care about them and you do it with a big gracious smile on your face… that’s all that matters. No this won’t end any wars around the world or spur on a massive global revival… but it may just make someone who is having a really crappy day, feel a little bit better. Then who knows… maybe they return the favor to someone else… and it keeps spreading… and maybe it gets all the way to Putin and the Ukraine coming to terms?!?! Unlikely… but you never know until you try! We are called to be the change we want to see in the world. It is such a simple yet at times impossible thing to do. Its hard to love other people. Especially when it comes to sacrificing your needs above theirs. But its doable. And when we do it… good things happen.

But above all else… remember why you are doing it. Because Jesus sacrificed his life for ours… gave up LIFE. Keep that into perspective when you have to stand there an extra few seconds to help that old lady with the door. Its really not that bad. J Go out and love!